I Need Your Advice Please

I’m thinking of doing/organising some fund-raising, for our pretty little (inner city) Anglican Church. The funds would be for boring things (we don’t need a new steeple, or something sexy like that), so we are going to have to inspire generosity from a pretty cold start. Also, the congregation are mostly old and poor and the surrounding population is 70% Muslim… This may turn out to be quite a challenge.

Apparently, jumble sales and the like do not make much money anymore. It seems the availability of cheaper brands of clothing and the work of charity shops has made “jumble” redundant. I’m not sorry really, I bloody hate jumble sales.

I looked into those wristbands that various  charities sell. They’re fun but quite expensive, unless you invest a fortune. Also, ordering more of those to be made just seems like yet another way to pollute the environment. Have you ever raised funds using them? Are they worth ignoring the negatives?

I’ve thought about sponsored events but I don’t really like the idea of bothering people for money, to see me sitting in a bath full of jelly for ten hours. Ugh. Also, we’ve only just had a sponsored hymn night.

People like food, don’t they? Maybe I could make some sweets (chocolates, candy etc.) to sell. Or get someone who can actually bake to make some cakes. Please could some of you share any simple recipes (for sweets/chocolates/candy) with me?

Also, if any of you can suggest any tried and tested craft ideas (of the small fund-raising variety), I would love to hear them. I’m willing to put in the effort, if you KNOW they are worth making.

I know I could Google all this… But I want to hear from REAL PEOPLE about what ACTUALLY WORKS. I trust people who have the good taste and intelligence to read my blog. I’m not so trusting of companies whose main motivation is to sell me “St. Agnes Church” key-rings.

I did have one more idea and that was the internet. Father Stephen already runs a pretty kick ass website. I thought maybe he should set up a page about needing funds and put up a PayPal button, or something? I will suggest it to him, if people think that might work. We are in rather a difficult place to raise funds, so more fortunate Christians might help… But whether or not Father Stephen would do that, I don’t know.

Am I missing anything else? I don’t think a fashion show would work, by the way, unless it was for Zimmer frames, or embroidered hankies.

Thanks in advance!

Manic Mormon Monday

A couple of nights ago I was out with Brandon, when I got a text from Dave (who was also out). It seems that he had been early for his bus and had struck up a conversation, with two American guys, at the bus stop. So anyway, I suddenly got a text, completely out of the blue, that said:

“I just invited some Mormons round on Monday evening”.

WHAT? That took me by surprise. I mean, I have nothing against Mormons, I love Donny Osmond… But why on EARTH would Dave invite them to our house? Talking to strange Mormons while you are waiting for a bus is  mental enough, without letting them know where you LIVE. Admittedly, a Mormon friend of mine (American) gave me the best advice a girl could ever get (“Clothes should be tight enough to show that you’re a woman but loose enough to show that you’re a LADY”) but still, I knew her on the internet – I didn’t invite her OVER.

When I got home, I took Dave to task.

“Why did you invite Mormons to come round?”

“They seemed nice and it’ll be funny”.

You’re an Atheist and I’ve just started going to the Anglican Church… They’ll be wasting their time. WE will be wasting their time.”

“No, they will be telling us about their religion and we will be learning something. You’re getting into religion, so you should be interested!”

“I’m NOT interested in being a Mormon, they wear magic underwear!”

“Stop being a bigot.”

So it looks as though we have Mormons coming to preach to us, on Monday night. Bloody hell – I can’t even offer them a cup of tea, because they might get too stimulated by it. I read up on their beliefs (on Wikipedia) and the whole thing sounds BIZARRE  but Dave wouldn’t listen – when I tried to tell him he called it a “Spoiler Alert” and put his hands over his ears.

Men.

EDIT: Hahaha! Just as I was proof-reading this, Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on the front door, with a leaflet. Thank goodness *I* answered it.

10 Reasons I Enjoy Going To Church (On Top Of The Obvious God And Jesus Ones)

Getting up early every Sunday morning may sound like a bit of a chore but, so far, I enjoy going to Church and find it worth the effort. I’m not going to bang on about God and Jesus specifically – you will have your own beliefs and frankly I’m still not sure about how to describe mine. I can, however, list some of the reasons that I find attending Church a positive thing to do, beyond the undoubtable spiritual benefits and comfort it gives me:

1) Getting ready: I don’t have many “smart” clothes (especially since I’ve lost a lot of weight) but I still manage to look “dressed up” (for me) on most Sundays.  I used to go to Church in jeans and a T-shirt but now I quite like making an effort to look nice – I even iron my blouse!

2) Walking to Church: I really like walking to Church, because everywhere is quite and peaceful. I often see other dressed up people, and I know they are going to their Churches (or mine) too. That makes me smile. I don’t know whether to thank God or pollution, but I’ve been very lucky with the weather, on Church mornings.

3) Holy Water: The whole idea of Holy Water really appeals to me and the Anglican Church are right up there with the Catholics, when it comes to using it. It is awesome – it kills vampires, it frightens off demons and it purifies us, or something. I love the little stoup of water that we cross ourselves with, before entering the Church. Sometimes the Priest flicks Holy Water over us during the service and I struggle to decide how long it is polite to wait, before cleaning it off the lenses of my glasses.

4) Crossing myself: I like doing this but I had to learn how. I’m left-handed and I’m suspicious that the first few times I did it I was summoning the Devil by mistake. Not only does crossing myself make me feel Holy, it also makes me feel like I’m in a film, or I’m a Nun, or I’m a competitive sports legend.

5) The Church interior and stained-glass windows: Our Church is really old and traditional and beautiful. I love that.

6) The service: The Anglican Church put on a really good service. Loads of ornate things to say and reply, lots of standing up and down – and more songs than the Eurovision Song Contest. Brilliant. And I like the whole “Peace be with you” bit, where we go around shaking hands with everyone - I deliberately choose grumpy old people, and disruptive little kids.

7) The sermon:  I have, so far, never been bored by a sermon. What more can I say? I love it when the Priest (or whoever) goes, “Yesterday I was mowing my lawn and it suddenly struck me that a lawn mower is very much like Jesus…”. Hilarious. Every sermon I’ve heard has been thought-provoking and intelligent though.

8) Holy Communion: I’m still not Confirmed but I like going up for a Blessing.

9) The wine/tea/cakes: Staying after Church, sharing refreshments and chatting, is great fun. We have had a celebration of some kind almost every week though and that means glasses of wine BEFORE lunch. I must say, the only times I have been tipsy, since Christmas, can all be blamed on drinking after Church, in the Church building. Scandalous.

10) The walk home: I like walking home from Church, looking fine, full of the Holy Spirit and possibly with a nice little boozy buzz on. I like seeing how the streets have got busy and I stop off at the Asda to buy milk and cat food.

 Going to Church is well worth the effort.

Forgiveness? It May Be Too Soon…

Today, the Archdeacon of Manchester visited our Church. He seemed like a very nice bloke and he gave quite a moving sermon, on forgiveness. I was with him right up to the point when he suggested somebody we might all consider showing forgiveness to at the moment…

Robert Green, the fumbling England goalie, who helped America to draw with us in our first World Cup match.

Lord, why must You test me like this?

A Rare Picture Of Me

Take a good look, because you won’t often see a picture of me on here! After posting yesterday about how often to blog, I’ve had an insanely busy Sunday with no time to write much. Added to that, I haven’t lined anything up from my old journal… So instead of being creative, I’m going to use a picture our Priest took at the Festival I told you about.

Despite the way the photo has come out, I DO have breasts and half my teeth are NOT missing. Oh and the guy in the T shirt really IS a trainee clergyman.

Festival Time And Poor Little Fishes

I spent my Bank Holiday Monday afternoon at Longsight Neighbourhood Festival, helping to run a stall. We were inviting people to attend our Church and highlighting the new gardens that the Church want to build (and open for the wider community to use). Work should be starting soon.

I found it a little daunting to hand out Christian literature, in an area that is 70% Muslim and where quite a few women even go so far as to wear the full veil. I didn’t want to upset or offend anybody. I need not have worried, as everyone was very open to our efforts and most tolerant and polite. Many Muslims came and looked at, or picked up, our flyers. In fact, most very religious Muslims embrace the opportunity to study other religions. I think if we had been doing the same thing in an area of similar economic deprivation but where people were of no religious inclination at all, we would have faired worse and possibly had a strong negative response to our presence.

Of course, most people in Longsight do not wear the full veil ( and I presume even those that do don’t wear it at home), so many of the stalls were selling absolutely beautiful dresses and scarves. There was a stilt-walker, the Mayor came to visit (with his wife) and our local MP, Gerald Kaufman, showed up. Kids were running around everywhere with goldfishes in plastic bags, which was a bit sad but they were thrilled to have won something so precious! I don’t know what they had to do to win them but it must have been quite easy. Tiny fish-tanks were on sale at the same stall for £4 each… I think I can see where the profit on letting kids win came in – many begged £4 from their parents as the bags got annoying to care for.

There was live music (of variable quality) and the queue for Face Painting grew so long that the man doing it seemingly fled – leaving a miffed crowd of parents and children. The kids that were painted looked amazing though and kept coming over to say “hello Sir!” to Father Stephen, as he preaches at the school.

I’d have liked a CHAIR but other than that, it was great fun. What?! I’m OLD.

Some People Are Just Stupid And Hateful

1) Moronic royal reject Sarah Ferguson has been trying to sell access to her Ex (Prince Andrew) for £500,000. Sadly for her, she was dealing with an undercover journalist, who filmed her. Poor stupid  Sarah should keep her head down – we all know what happens to women who split with sons of the Queen and then fail to shut up. Personally I’d like all the Royals AND their hangers-on to be sent to the Moon and left there. I must add though – if anyone has £500,000 to waste and wants to meet my Ex, please contact me here. For that much money I won’t just introduce you, I’ll hold him down while you f*** him.

2) Yet again, somebody has sent me a violently racist joke, via text message. WTF? The last person who did this didn’t know me very well… THIS time the “joke” was from somebody I’ve known since I was sixteen. I know I did stand-up comedy for a while but that doesn’t mean I want to be informed of any old piece of hate-filled shit that some idiot considers “funny”.  Plus, I don’t want these messages popping up on my mobile phone, where they will be stored until I delete them. What if I get sent one and then I’m run over and killed before I notice it? Anyone who goes through my belongings, in oder to identify me, will think “Wow, she must be a racist, people are sending her racist jokes! I’m glad she is dead!”. I wear clean knickers, in case I get run over – please don’t ruin my efforts to die as a respectable person by polluting my phone.

3) Yesterday a baby was Christened at our Church. One of the women attending was dressed like a whore, kept looking impatiently at her watch throughout the service and got the giggles so badly during the Lord’s Prayer that she was shaking and crying. Nice choice of Godmother there.

I’m not a fan of “people” this morning.

(BTW, that thing about my Ex was a tasteless “joke” that I didn’t really mean. I would never condone, or encourage, rape. Just be grateful I didn’t send it to your mobile.)

Scrubbing My Rug

The weather here has been absolutely beautiful recently. Hot, sunny, hardly a breath of wind. I’ve had the back door open almost constantly (air conditioning being slow to follow Oreos to our shores) and the cats have been wandering in and out, along with a few flies. The birds are singing and the washing is drying on the line so fast I can almost see the water evaporating.

Happy days huh?… Not in my house. My boyfriend has red hair and pure white skin, that bursts into flames when touched by sunlight. I’ve never met most of you but I’m going to bet that you have never encountered anybody who complains about sunny weather as much as Dave. Since we have no rocks big enough for him to crawl under, he has been sitting in the lounge, sulking, and waiting for clouds and rain. Great.

Meanwhile Brandon has been hiding in his room, with the curtains drawn, playing “Red Dead Redemption”. The game only just came out, so he can’t tear himself away – but his room is boiling hot, even with a fan blasting 24/7. Yesterday  I visited him, with a cold drink and a breezy attitude.

 ”Are you enjoying your game?” I asked with a smile,

“I would be, it IS a good game, but I’m sweating like Michael Jackson on a school bus” he replied. Some of you said he was “adorable” after my picture post. Yeah.

The cats are enjoying the fact that they can just wander in and out (we don’t have a cat-flap) but the heat is getting to them too. I suppose being covered in black fur is less than ideal in a heatwave. Stouffer is even floppier than usual and Zuul has cut down to about five cans of “Tiger” a day, because the heat is putting him off his food. Only the tiles on the kitchen floor can offer them any relief, so they keep coming in and stretching out on the delicious coldness.

As you can tell, it has been left to me to truly embrace the hot weather. I decided to take advantage of the drying power of the sun – by scrubbing one of our rugs, on the back path. It was very satisfying to see the stained old rug brighten up and I’m sure I got fitter in the process. I don’t know what the neighbours thought when they saw me kneeling on a rug in the back garden though – they probably shook their heads and thought I was trying yet another religion. I hung the rug up to dry and came in. Dave asked what I had been doing outside,

“I’ve been scrubbing the rug, in the back garden”. He stared at me ,

“Is that a euphemism?” he asked. Everyone is a comedian, in our house.

Ah well, I should go now. Walking to Church is going to be lovely in this weather, so I don’t want to have to rush. Actually, our Church is absolutely freezing, even on a mild day, so I think it will be a treat this morning. By the time I walk home I’ll be ready for the sun even more than I am now. Hallelujah.

Praying – I Have No Idea

Recently, I have been trying to become a Christian (I have been going to Church but don’t really “get” it yet). I have enjoyed a great deal about being involved with the Church and I have met some lovely people (far less freaky than I anticipated) - but I stumble a bit when it comes to praying.

I try to pray but it is really confusing. I mean I get the bit where I am openly thankful for the good things I have in my life but what then? I’m not supposed to ASK for things, because they might not be part of God’s Plan. Well, I can ask… But I am going to get God’s Plan anyway. I’m not supposed to tell God what to do, under any circumstances, like a natural disaster or something. Firstly, he KNOWS what to do (being God helps with that) so my suggestions are wasted. Secondly, he doesn’t need my permission to do things. Thirdly, in fact, He could be getting on with whatever was the best thing to do, if I wasn’t holding him up by talking.  So all I’m really left with is, asking God to help other people (or me) put up with what He has done - which seems a bit cheeky. I suppose if I say, ”Give them the strength to endure this test Oh Lord!” it puts a more positive spin on the crappy things that are happening to people daily but it also sounds kind of like asking Him to help them cheat (when He set the exam). Oh and Asking for healing seems like it is sometimes OK, (I almost forgot) but it still seems to violate the Prime Directive. Also I’d hate to ask and then not have it work for someone - That would raise all kinds of doubts and negative emotions. Ugh.

As you can see, I’m utterly perplexed. I just stick to saying “Thanks for the good stuff and Thy Will be done”. Is that right? I don’t know.

EDIT: Oh my goodness, I forgot the whole I’m supposed to praise God bit! You see? I’m hopeless! Obviously, I do that bit. But more in Church, when the Priest is saying it and I’m joining in).

(Please tell me if including a picture obscures the text in any way, I’ve seen that happen elsewhere. Thanks!)

Time Saving Strategies

Last Thursday, I went to help clean the Church (yes I WILL now be going to Heaven, when I die) and was very inspired by the priest. It wasn’t by anything he said, it was by his “off duty”  T-shirt, which read ” To save time, let’s just assume I know everything”.  It got me thinking about things that actually save time – which led to this post:

Time Saving Strategies

1) Get Up Early: If you want to get things done quickly, getting up early is an excellent strategy. I can get more done in the hour between 6:00 am and 7:00 am than I can in two or three hours, later in the day. Admittedly I have to feed the bloody cats first, but then it is plain sailing all the way. No phone calls, everyone else in the house asleep, no cool stuff on TV to distract me… Early is good. Unless you have a small child, in which case you may need to adapt this idea accordingly.  

2) Adopt A Positive Attitude: If you want to do something quickly, you must have a positive attitude. Quite often you see people doing something unpleasant (like unblocking a smelly toilet, or taking on a heap of filing) and they almost quadruple the time it takes by their sheer negativity. Creating a huge pantomime, where you keep pulling faces, complaining, gagging, walking away, shaking your head, looking at the clock and saying things like “I hate doing this!” just wastes time and undermines your morale. Roll up your sleeves, focus your energy on getting the task done and ignore everything else – that way it’ll soon be over.

3) Stop Trying To Be Perfect: Before I worked as a Care Assistant, it took me hours to clean just one room of my house. I’d start out enthusiastically but then slow down to almost a halt, pondering each task and carrying it out in microscopic detail. When I was a Care Assistant, however, a “cleaning call” meant being expected to call on a client and clean their entire home, in one hour. And you know what? I did it. I stripped the bed, remade it, put the used bedding on to wash, vacuumed through, mopped all the tiled floors, washed the dishes, tidied/cleaned the kitchen surfaces, wiped down the bathroom etc. all in the space of one hour. How? I just stopped fussing and accepted that what I was doing (and the way I was doing it) was good enough. There was no time to be a perfectionist. Nobody ever complained about my work either, because it WAS good enough.

4) Make Lists: I’ve put this tip off for a bit, because it is so boring and you already know it… But make lists. Don’t keep kidding yourself that you can “play it by ear”, or “find everything when you get there”. A list saves so much time, because it not only reminds you about important things, it also keeps you on task.

5) Choose Quickly: Call me a Communist but frankly, when it comes to consumer goods, the choices we have are largely cosmetic. Most types of washing powder, moisturiser, pasta, toilet paper and so forth are much the same. By all means have your favourites but don’t waste hours bothering to read all the blurb, or worrying because you can’t get a particular brand. Just think, if you grab something new, it may turn out to be better than the brand you’ve been wedded to. Now take this new decisive attitude and apply it to other areas of your life.

6) Don’t Offer Other People Choices: This is hard for people like me, who like to “please”  but by not offering choices to everyone you have to deal with, you’ll save hours of your own time. If I ask my family what they’d like for dinner, we end up having a long debate, which ends in me making three different things. If I just make dinner and then call them to eat it – they eat what they are given. Or go hungry, but that is a choice they rarely make. Being decisive on behalf of others is a gift to them too, because most people enjoy being lazy and being told what to do.

7) Avoid Starting A Blog: Having a “blog” or “online journal” is a huge drain on your time. Important tasks will be left undone, as you sit tapping nonsense into your PC - just so that a few, lonely geeks, deranged Americans, sexual perverts and creepy spam bots can find out that you exist. A post can take ages to write and you don’t even get paid for writing it. In fact, the most you can hope for is going to be a comment like “LOL, I almost shot Coke out of my nose reading that”. Think of other ways to use your time and do them. You know it makes sense.