Americans: This Is A Tramp

I was looking for images for this post, in which I will describe the differences between an American “tramp” and a British one, when I came across this British newspaper headline. 

Church Minister Shames Congregation By Dressing As Tramp 

The article ends with this - 

Chuchgoer John Sproston was one of the first to arrive at the service to see the “tramp” on the doorstep. 

He said: “We were all aghast when he took off his wig because he was very convincing.” 

If you are an American and you just read that PLEASE DON’T PANIC! The Minister was NOT dressed as a lady of loose virtue, because whatever you may think, that is NOT what “TRAMP” means: 

THIS IS NOT A TRAMP

He was merely disguised as a long-term HOMELESS PERSON. That’s what the word “TRAMP” means and you can’t argue with that, because - 

a) A newspaper agrees with me 

b) A representative of GOD agrees with me 

And here he is, being a TRAMP (the Vicar, not God): 

THIS IS A TRAMP (VICAR)

Life is funny isn’t it? When I set out to make a post about “tramps”, I didn’t think I’d end up posting a photo of a vicar and a photo of me.

Forgiveness? It May Be Too Soon…

Today, the Archdeacon of Manchester visited our Church. He seemed like a very nice bloke and he gave quite a moving sermon, on forgiveness. I was with him right up to the point when he suggested somebody we might all consider showing forgiveness to at the moment…

Robert Green, the fumbling England goalie, who helped America to draw with us in our first World Cup match.

Lord, why must You test me like this?

Taking The Shame (England V USA)

Oh my God. When will I ever learn NOT to get excited about the “possibility” of England winning the World Cup? Four minutes in and I was laughing heartily, chanting obscenities, a goal up and waiting for more.

“FOOTBALL, it’s called FOOTBALL!” I yelled at the TV screen. We were winning, the Yanks were losing, I was eating a big bowl of chocolate ice-cream and all was well, in my tiny world. It didn’t last.

At my Church we have a partially blind, elderly, arthritic woman - who sits at the back on Sundays, holding her walking-stick and singing hymns in a feeble voice. I don’t know if she is available to fly out to South Africa, before our next match – but if she IS, I suggest that Fabio Capello puts her in goal, instead of Robert Green.

Check out the reaction on the BBC News website:

“England have plenty of time to regroup and progress, but this was an unsatisfactory night for Capello and his players.”

“Unsatisfactory”?  WHAT THE HELL?! They should all be put in the Tower Of London! The SHAME is killing me!

Well done USA (apart from all the “Saving Private Ryan” style acting every time we tackled you) you deserved to get a draw. As for England? Who knows… I’m getting flashbacks to every World Cup since 1966, at the moment.

 

Top Tips And Phrases For Americans Watching The World Cup

Saturday is fast approaching and I can’t wait. There is a buzz in the air, England flags are flying everywhere and England’s first World Cup match is against the USA. Hahaha! That should be a nice easy warm-up for our team.

Everybody knows that Yanks are a bit crap at football but at least I can help to make sure that their FANS know what is expected of them, during a high-level match. Therefore, I give to you my -

Twelve Top Tips And Phrases For Americans Watching The World Cup.

1) The game you are watching is NOT “soccer”, it is called FOOTBALL.

2) At Half-Time, no matter how your team is doing, you must mutter sagely “Football is a game of two halves” and look pensive.

3) You may notice large groups of England fans (in the crowd) pointing at your fans and chanting, “You’re going home in a f*cking ambulance!”. This is traditional friendly banter and not as aggressive as it sounds (remember, in England medical treatment is free).

4) If you win (you won’t but I’ll tell you anyway) you have to say you are “Over the moon”.

5) If (when) we beat you, you have to say you are “As sick as a parrot”. (Please feel free to Google these facts).

6) Whenever anything threatening happens at your end of the pitch, look incredulous and shout “Offside, Ref!”. Never try to understand what “Offside” actually means, life is too short.

7) Any chanting along the lines of “Who’s the wanker, who’s the wanker, who’s the wanker in the black?” is aimed at the Referee (they traditionally wear black but nowadays may not). Feel free to chant this, whenever you are unhappy with a decision.

8) Also, helpfully remind the Ref to put on his glasses (even if he can’t hear you, through the TV screen).

9) If your team scores, pump your fist in a horizontal motion and shout “Back of the NET!”.

10) Any excuses about losing MUST start with the phrase “At the end of the day…”  for example “At the end of the day, England were a better team” or “At the end of the day, our defenders weren’t up to the job”.

11) Remember that (properly watched) football is not really a “game”, it is more a matter of life and death. Losing will not just affect your mood for the next few hours, it will mar your every living moment, until your team wins again.

12) Do not be confused by the number of countries taking part in the World Cup. Unlike your “World Series” more than a handful of countries are allowed to join in.