Saturday is fast approaching and I can’t wait. There is a buzz in the air, England flags are flying everywhere and England’s first World Cup match is against the USA. Hahaha! That should be a nice easy warm-up for our team.
Everybody knows that Yanks are a bit crap at football but at least I can help to make sure that their FANS know what is expected of them, during a high-level match. Therefore, I give to you my -
Twelve Top Tips And Phrases For Americans Watching The World Cup.
1) The game you are watching is NOT “soccer”, it is called FOOTBALL.
2) At Half-Time, no matter how your team is doing, you must mutter sagely “Football is a game of two halves” and look pensive.
3) You may notice large groups of England fans (in the crowd) pointing at your fans and chanting, “You’re going home in a f*cking ambulance!”. This is traditional friendly banter and not as aggressive as it sounds (remember, in England medical treatment is free).
4) If you win (you won’t but I’ll tell you anyway) you have to say you are “Over the moon”.
5) If (when) we beat you, you have to say you are “As sick as a parrot”. (Please feel free to Google these facts).
6) Whenever anything threatening happens at your end of the pitch, look incredulous and shout “Offside, Ref!”. Never try to understand what “Offside” actually means, life is too short.
7) Any chanting along the lines of “Who’s the wanker, who’s the wanker, who’s the wanker in the black?” is aimed at the Referee (they traditionally wear black but nowadays may not). Feel free to chant this, whenever you are unhappy with a decision.
8) Also, helpfully remind the Ref to put on his glasses (even if he can’t hear you, through the TV screen).
9) If your team scores, pump your fist in a horizontal motion and shout “Back of the NET!”.
10) Any excuses about losing MUST start with the phrase “At the end of the day…” for example “At the end of the day, England were a better team” or “At the end of the day, our defenders weren’t up to the job”.
11) Remember that (properly watched) football is not really a “game”, it is more a matter of life and death. Losing will not just affect your mood for the next few hours, it will mar your every living moment, until your team wins again.
12) Do not be confused by the number of countries taking part in the World Cup. Unlike your “World Series” more than a handful of countries are allowed to join in.