Tag Archives: sex

Watching The Dating Channels

A couple of Brandon’s friends stayed over on his birthday, so yesterday morning (when they had all woken up) I fried up some eggs and bacon, gave them all mugs of tea and put the TV on. We watched a quiz show but after that everything on ordinary TV was boring… So we started watching  Gay Rabbit Chat & Date  and Rabbit Chat & Date  instead.

I find it sad that there are so many lonely people out there – but gawd knows, you can see why some of them are on their own. One guy was the ugliest bloke I’ve ever seen, in make-up and a wig, with eyebrows drawn half-way up his head. His message? “Looking 4 black male” – we all agreed blackmail was more on the cards. Then there was the “str8 guy” who wanted to date a transvestite. Maybe I’m old-fashioned but my definition of  “str8″ doesn’t include men who have sex with men in dresses. Lots of very pretty young boys wanted to date men who were “up to 80″… How broad-minded of them!

On non-gay Rabbit, there were two men (looking for “laydeez” ) in sunglasses and reflective safety jackets – They had obviously decided to take their dating profile pictures whilst emptying dustbins, (or completing their court ordered Community Service). Lots of women seem to have gone for “sexy” and totally forgotten about “dignified” in their pictures. As ever, the fatter the women, the more “bubbly” they claimed to be. Far too many people were “LUKIN” for love. Aaaarrrrgh. And the ages… If the ages on EITHER of the dating channels are to be believed, some people have clearly had a lot of worry in their lives.

The biggest hit of the morning though was this message (no picture),

I AM DAVROS, LEADER OF THE DALEKS. I HAVE FAILED IN MY MISSION. I HAVE FAILED. I MUST BE EXTERMINATED. PLEASE EXTERMINATE ME! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

Hahaha!

Brandon’s friend Ben (who seems to be str8) said the biggest turn off about the parade of mingers on both channels was their “terrible English”. I’m glad to see that the kids Brandon hangs out with aren’t shallow and ARE geeky. I think the most childish person watching was probably me.

 Now, I have to go, sorry. Don’t tell Dave but I have a date with a Dalek.

The Part Of My Body Most Likely To Make Me A Fortune

On more than a couple of occasions my nipples have been described as “perfect”, which is pretty hot when you think about it – although admittedly one of the people saying that was a midwife. A male school teacher once told me that my hands were the prettiest he had ever seen (at the time I didn’t understand how inappropriate that was), which was flattering. And my legs… Well, they’re shot now but they used to be dreadfully long and sexy, as everyone pointed out. 

So which part of my body has always been the most likely to earn me a fortune? Let me show you: 

Spreading them for the boys

That’s right, my FEET. Some people cannot get enough of foot fetish porn and by “some” I mean MILLIONS. I reckon I’m standing on a fortune with these babies and their extraordinary flexibility. If I filmed myself wiggling them in a cream cake, I’d be selling the DVDs and buying a MANSION with the profits. I once posted my toe-spreading ability on YouTube and was invited to London for a photographic encounter, of the porn magazine kind.  I didn’t go, which is why I am still alive and not buried under a rapist’s patio. 

Not everyone finds my feet sexy though (I know that is hard to believe). One person replied to my YouTube video “What r u some kind of ape?” – a hurtful remark that I shall never quite  recover from. Also my boyfriend says things like, 

“JESUS CHRIST, will you cover your disgusting feet up! I feel sick!” which I can’t help interpreting as somewhat negative

So anyway, I strongly believe my feet are my fortune and if the current recession continues, I shall have to cash in on their incredible powers of seduction. Not in the flesh, obviously, just a few tasteful photographs and some arty films. I know a lot of people might JUDGE me and say it isn’t right but then again, keeping such glorious assets under wraps could be seen as selfish, couldn’t it?

Too Beautiful To Fancy?

I’ve spent most of my long life surrounded by men and boys. Family, friends, husbands, sons, boyfriends; I like men and I’ve hung out with them a lot. I try to understand men and boys (on the whole they aren’t that complicated) but there is one thing about seemingly straight men that surprises me every time… Their ability to zoom in on something UGLY about any woman, however beautiful she is. In fact, sometimes it seems the more gorgeous a woman is, the more they can find wrong with her.

You’ve all seen/heard it happening, I’m sure. A really striking blonde (with long hair, long legs and a sexy pout) wiggles into the room. The men all turn and stare. You whisper to the nearest guy,

“I bet you like her!” to which he replies.

 “Nah, her earlobes are slightly elongated”. WTF?

I remember once reading a meme by a bloke on LJ, who had to say which celebrity he’d most like to sleep with. His reply?

“Angelina, pre-pregnancy.” This was ages after she had given birth, by the way. Again, I can only ask “WTF?”. He wasn’t exactly a male model himself. He was a single, obese, middle-aged internet geek, actually. Angelina probably didn’t get ANY stretch marks but if she did I’m willing to bet each and every one of them was more attractive to look at than Mr. Meme. Still, he had standards… So Angelina, post-baby, was no longer any good to him.

Perhaps men have this reflex in order to protect their egos (as in, “I don’t fancy her anyway, so she ISN’T out of my league”). Not every man who has criticised a beautiful woman to me, in real-life, has been my partner – but I suppose they might have been trying to protect MY ego (being as I’m not stunning myself). Or maybe some men are just a lot harder to please than women think they are. And perhaps the aura of physical beauty that surrounds some women also attracts deeper analysis of their looks – whereas a “normal” looking girl only inspires a quick inspection and an appreciation of what she HAS got to offer “Chubby but nice tits though”).

Last but not least… Maybe what is considered “attractive” in the general sense, ISN’T what most men are into sexually?

I really don’t know.

Dave Is Going To Suffer For This!

As I write this, my boyfriend is sleeping peacefully. His hair is tousled, his mouth is slightly open and all I can hear is the gentle rhythm of his breathing. He has no idea what cold and confused misery awaits him, as soon as he wakes up. You see… I’ve just had dream about him.

In real life, of course, there is no way that I’d find Dave in a suspect embrace with my Sister In Law. They’ve only met a couple of times and whilst the atmosphere between them was cordial enough, it didn’t seem to portend hanky-panky at any point. In fact, even in the dream itself , Dave explained that he had felt “ill” and that my Sister In Law merely hugged him in order to comfort him. My Sister In Law has been happily married to my Brother for about twenty-six years, Dave has never been unfaithful to me, and like I said, it was only a dream.

I’m still going to be in a mood with him though, I know it. I’ll try not to be, obviously, but it won’t be long before I’m slamming things down, giving him dirty looks and snapping sarcastically at anything he says. Well, I wouldn’t be having bad dreams about him if he wasn’t making me insecure somehow, right? And why am I dreaming about him and Wendy anyway? There’s no smoke without fire, maybe my SUBCONSCIOUS was picking up on something between them. Also, he looked like he was lying, in that dream. Oooohhh, I can’t forget that lying face of his…

So pity poor Dave, when he wakes up. Greater fear hath no man than that he should wake up to find his girlfriend has had a dream, in which he was unfaithful. Or at least, where it looked as if he might have been considering being unfaithful. Pity Dave, who will be confused, accused and shunned by the woman he loves – all for something he didn’t actually do and didn’t even think up himself.

Then pity me, because I was the one suffering that dream and he is to blame somehow, I know it!

Why “Nice” Guys Don’t Get Dates

If there is one complaint about women I hear over and over, it’s that women are forever being friends with “nice” men but still choosing to sleep with “assholes”. Why on Earth aren’t we jumping into bed with the guys who listen to our problems, ask after our health and “care” about us?

“She only wants me as a friend but she dates guys who treat her badly!” exasperated men cry, “Why is she sleeping with guys who give her the run-around and want her for sex? I LISTEN to her, I UNDERSTAND her, I like her for WHO SHE IS!”.

To them it’s a mystery but to me it’s obvious. Friendship isn’t sexy.

A guy who spends hours cultivating a friendship with a girl, listening to her insecurities and differentiating himself from the rabid pack of sex-hunting monsters that he regards/portrays his fellow men as – then whines because she doesn’t want to sleep with him, is a hypocrite. But she has taken him at his word.

Sorry “Nice Guy”…you’re all after the same thing buddy but he (Nasty Guy) chose giving her something to chase and you chose listening to her problems. Bad luck, he had a better strategy because now she’s shagging him and tomorrow you’ll be hearing how “it’s lunchtime and he still hasn’t phoned”. But see, he didn’t go after HER as much as you do, he was HONEST about his wayward attitude and she LOVED it, he was exciting, a challenge and she’s thinking about how to keep him interested. You on the other hand are trapped in your little sympathy game and, in order to keep it up, you have to be available… So you aren’t going to be chased. You’re just THERE. You lose.

You say that you LISTEN to women, that you UNDERSTAND them,  but how many times have women told you that you are “TOO NICE” to date? What part of “TOO NICE” didn’t you understand? If a strategy isn’t working you have to change it, or suffer the same results over and over.

“But I AM nice!” you cry, “I DO want a girl to be close to, I don’t want to play mind-games!”. I know baby, I know… I want to get slim by eating cheese but it ain’t gonna happen. Mind-games, flirting, being hard to get, looking self-assured etc. are part of a MATING RITUAL. Once she fancies you, you can risk being friends (slowly) but at first you need to be the PRIZE. Friends are a kind of “consolation prize” and that isn’t sexy. No sex.

Oh, I know I’ll get lots of you telling me off and I know that the rules change as time passes and we all get older and wiser (or more desperate). There will be exceptions to the “rule”… Online relationships tend to develop a little differently because the sexual tension is enhanced by not being together, for instance.

But on the whole I’d say my observations are true. “Nice Guys” don’t get dates because they give their attention away for free, because they started off by being dishonest about (or not knowing) what they wanted and because they have seriously dispersed their “mystery” by sharing too much. Then along comes a silent guy with a motor-bike and a few notches on his headboard and the girls are more interested in him… After all, he’s less like another girl.

Porn Aimed At Heterosexual Men

As you might have guessed, I’m reasonably broad-minded about porn. As long as the subjects are adult, human and not being coerced, I don’t have a problem with it. In fact, you boys will be relieved to know that I’m giving you permission, here and now, to look at as much porn as you like. But I have a request… Please can you campaign to change the names of the pictures?
See, you’re all very quick to tell us ladies that you like to see “real” looking women in porn, that you like natural boobs, that you find bigger girls sexy, that you’re turned on by older women etc (aren’t you NICE?) but then you go and use websites that label their pictures in, well frankly, rather disrespectful ways. I mean, these ways aren’t just insulting to the women involved, they say something about YOU too… I would especially question the decision to click on links that say things like the examples I’ve listed below :

Ugly, drunk, older woman, who is crazy for cock. I actually saw hundreds of pictures called things like that. A friend explained that “Men like to see women they feel they could actually HAVE”. Oooh Kaaay, but if you crave to see a woman like that naked, why not just go to a bar?… You’ll be fighting them off. You’ll have a real live woman and she’ll have some cock! Everyone will be happy. If you MUST look at her on the internet, why not ask the site to call her “unconventionally attractive, mature, party girl, who enjoys sex”? Doesn’t that sound nicer? I still don’t understand why you’d click, to look at someone you’ve been warned is “ugly”. Hell, I caught the bus this morning and practically everyone on there was ugly. Granted though, most of them were not manipulating their genitals (as far as I could see).

Stupid, drunk, fat slut, on sofa. See, this to me sounds like a nightmare end to an evening. How are you going to get rid of her? Will she take the hint if you call a taxi? I know if you’re a lonely guy, this might be an opportunity for sex but is it really the basis for a FANTASY? I mean you want to masturbate about having sex with someone STUPID, as well as drunk? Please, for your own sakes, aim higher (not like that, I mean have higher aspirations). As for the girl…Why not just say “Voluptuous, and willing girl, on sofa”?

Granny sucks like a Teen.  As far as I remember, we don’t have to teach our Grandmothers how to suck anything, so why would we want them to “Suck like a teen”? Wouldn’t that be a less reliable suck? Plus, Grannies can often take their teeth out, which must be a bonus. Surely it would be more exciting to have a Granny who sucked in a way appropriate to her age. Or a teen who sucked like a granny.

Blonde Granny Cockslap. Since I’m old enough to have grandchildren myself (and my boyfriend is 22 years my junior), I’m not going to argue that older women can’t be sexy… But why can’t they just say “mature”? Is it really that IMPORTANT that she has grandchildren? And WTF does “cockslap” mean? Have I missed this aspect of cocks? Finally, I can’t help thinking that “Blonde Granny Cockslap” was someone who Rupert The Bear visited once, I’m sure she had a house in Nutwood, next-door to Bill The Badger.

Blah, blah blah (cut for taste), whore with big saggy boobs. You want her to be a whore (the oldest profession in the World), you want her to have big boobs… But really, do these sites have to label them “saggy”? How rude is that? She’s doing her best! If you don’t want them fake and you DO want them big, at least have the manners to accept where they’ve landed and to patronize sites that do the same.

Perhaps I’m being a little too girlie about this but if women are going to be generous enough to share their most glorious assets with you and to display them on various items of furniture (mostly sofas) for your delight – I really think it would be nicer if we didn’t call them horrid things. What do you think?

How To Survive Being Dumped

Being dumped, by somebody you love, is one of the worst feelings in the world. How can you rebuild your life and your self-esteem, after this horrible blow? Fear not, because I have listed below a few positive steps you can take, to help mend your broken heart:

1) Remember the Bad Times. There must have been SOME bad times, like when you had that argument over the price of cat-litter, or when you tried to build an Ikea bedside cabinet together and it ended up being thrown against the wall. You can enjoy fond memories later, when you are mended… Right now you have to concentrate on the uncomfortable, unhappy mess you were often in. And don’t mull over who was to blame either, this isn’t about justice or making amends. This is about remembering their contorted, angry face, or the smell of their drunken vomit, or their rude remarks to your friends. Or just the simple coldness of feeling like they weren’t cuddling you BACK. Re-live the horror of the Bad Times… Spend at least five minutes really LIVING the feelings again, every time you feel that yearning emptiness. Then tell yourself that at least you’ll never have to do THAT again. Not with them anyway. What a relief.

2) Dwell on Your Ex’s Bad Habits. Nobody is perfect, least of all the miserable piece of shit that just dumped you. No longer will you have to endure them nose-picking, throat-clearing, farting, complaining, leaving the lid off the toothpaste, leaving the toilet seat up, blocking the drain with hair – you know the sort of thing. You’re free of the irritations of having them around. Don’t picture your Ex gazing across a candle-lit meal at you… Picture them scratching their ass and looking for the car keys.

3) Avoid Drink and Drugs. Dulling your senses to the pain of separation is a bad idea. Drink eventually makes you maudlin; you’ll become a “victim” in your own eyes. You’ll end up afraid to lose your prop, like you were afraid to lose your lover –  and you’ll prolong the agony too. Do your broken heart “cold-turkey”, face it head on and keep a clear head, because you have to think of the future. You have to see what you just got rid of and enjoy the feeling of your new freedom. Popping pills and gazing at the bottom of another empty glass won’t mend your heart.

4) Do Something to Change Your Life in a Positive Way. Get a new hairstyle, join a club or class, arrange weekends away at friends houses, lose weight, flirt with someone online. FORCE yourself to participate in life. And look GOOD too, nice clothes, clean hair, polished shoes. However crumpled you feel inside, you need to give your ego something to live up to. And should you accidentally bump into your Ex it will be a much better feeling for you if they look like they lost a “hottie”.

5) Refuse to Feed Your Fears. “You’ll never find anyone else” they say, “You’re ugly and fat… Loser”. Don’t listen. People DO find someone else – there are plenty of people out there who can love us, whoever we are. The idea that we all have ONE special person is a wicked and cruel lie. As long as we are prepared to embrace people and be open to connection, there is no reason that we cannot find love again. You feed your fears by saying them aloud “I’ll never find anyone else,” to friends etc… Don’t. If you want someone else you’d be better off saying “know anyone single I can ask out?”. Having said that, don’t rush into another serious relationship, get some space first.

6) Get Rid of Your Ex’s Stuff Quickly. Give it back as soon as possible and get your stuff back too. “Stuff” keeps you connected and you don’t want a connection to someone dumb enough to dump you. If s/he won’t collect it quickly, sell it. And remember all those photos where you look like shit but your Ex looks great? You can tear them up now.

7) Buy a Vibrator Or a Pile of Porn. You’ve got more idea how to make yourself orgasm than your Ex did anyway.

Just in case you ask; You MIGHT be able to be friends with your Ex at some point in the future but you have to stop loving them too much first.