Six Irritating Lies That (I Assume) Are Supposed To Cheer Us Up.

1) “Diets don’t work”: People love to spout this nonsense (especially fat people) but it just isn’t true. Sensible diets work perfectly well and the effects last for as long as the dieter is willing to continue being sensible. The trouble is, we are surrounded by tasty junk food and so we tend to fall off the wagon. That doesn’t prove anything about diets “not working”, it just proves that pizza tastes better than raw carrot. People who try to convince us that what we eat cannot change our body shape, for any significant length of time, are often walking examples of the opposite – their diets of KFC and cake having inflated them to mammoth proportions for YEARS. So, next time a fat person tells you “diets don’t work” just say “Well yours obviously has, you’re huge”.

2) “Size isn’t important”: Guys…It is. Sorry. Of course, the availability of a satisfyingly large penis isn’t the be all and end all of every sexual encounter (these things are more complex than that) but it really, REALLY, helps and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

3) “Age is just a number”: Nobody wants to believe this more than I do (my partner is a man 22 years my junior) but sadly, age DOES count. Good nutrition, plenty of exercise, and an awareness of current popular culture, can all keep a person vital and interesting but “young”? No. Gravity, hormones and general wear and tear still make a vast difference …Even to someone who is “good for her age”, like me. Plastic surgery can change a person’s appearance but probably only to the extent that they look different to other humans their age (which is not the same as looking young). Believe me, the more time I spend naked with my boyfriend, the less I can imagine surgery making my body as youthful as his. That would take a miracle. Also, I cannot bear people who say things like “I may be fifty but inside I am still the same person I was when I was a teenager!”. Really? To me that smacks of having Special Needs. I mean come ON, surely any normal person would be ashamed not to have moved on emotionally during decades of life experience?

4) “Women find bald men sexy”: No, GAY MEN find bald men sexy. Women might accept a guy being bald if he is built like Vin Diesel, or if he has the charm of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, but generally speaking women like a man with hair.

5) “Love means never having to say you are sorry”: What? I really don’t get this at all. Love is about passion, spending time together, exploring new avenues of communication, forging two lives into one future…And during all that the people involved never hit a situation where one has to apologise to the other? Rubbish. Owning a slave means never having to say you are sorry…Being in love means you’re saying it quite a bit – or sulking until the other person says it (for a change).

6) “What Goes Around, Comes Around”: Two words – Simon Cowell. The guy is an asshole but he seems to be doing pretty well on it. Call me when he is ripped apart by flying monkeys (or some other vile fate) and I will reconsider this “karma” based lie.


19 responses to “Six Irritating Lies That (I Assume) Are Supposed To Cheer Us Up.

  1. Yeah, all us fatties are just stupid fuckers.

  2. I’m glad I’m not a fat, small dicked bald man.

    Also, this post makes me think that doctors should create a pill that would help turn straight, fat, small dicked bald men into gay bottom, since I’m guessing the gay tops will still do you even if you are chubby and bald and probably not worry about your dick size while they are claiming your ass.

  3. If I had known #4, it would have saved me from 3 years worth of a shitty marriage… well and he was most definitely NOT #2.

  4. Hi!

    /sticks you into rss reader

    Size matters? Oh, damn.

  5. LOLOL You echo my sentiments on many things! :D

  6. hi there!

  7. A-fricken-Men. Especially the part about bald men. When you think “sexy bald men” you always think Patrick Stewart, and Vin Diesal. No one thinks this guy:

  8. I’m with you on all of the above except number 4. I get a *lot* more female attention now that I ‘m shave my head than I did when I had hair. And I’m not built like Vin Diesel, nor would I say I have the charm of Jean-Luc Picard (funnily enough though, it was him that made me realise I should give up fighting the retreat of my hairline and embrace the shining dome of my inevitable future). But I do tend to get hit on by a lot of guys as well :-)

  9. You’re fighting them off on two fronts! Go you!

    Deciding to shave your head is absolutely the way forward for men with less hair than they’d like.

  10. HAHAHA! I’m with you all the way, especially on #1. I see some of the fattest people eating at the restaurant and if they would scale back their portions they might actually be able to fit in a booth. Diets DO work, just not fad diets where you lose a lot of weight quickly.

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