I’ve Corrupted A Kitten

I have a confession to make – a confession so bad that you may want to pour yourself a strong drink before reading it. No, honestly. I have done something dreadfully bad and my only defence is that I didn’t mean to do it… But when Judgement Day comes that may not be enough to spare my soul from burning in Hell forever. You see, I’ve corrupted a kitten.

It started out innocently enough. Like most sensible cat owners, I decided to let my growing kitten enjoy the outside world. To me the idea of an “indoor cat” is just wrong… Cats are independent creatures, hunters, explorers. Our garden is full of fun, mice, trees and other cats to hang out with – so (once he’d had his shots and been “doctored”) I took my kitten, Zuul, outside a few times and (being aware that he was a tad vulnerable) stayed with him.

But I am not just a responsible cat owner, I’m also a responsible smoker. In other words, I do not smoke indoors. This led to me making the worst (and most irresponsible) decision of my life – the very decision that has possibly damned me forever. I decided to combine trips into the garden with my kitten, with trips into the garden for a cigarette.

It was cute when he used to hang out on the step with me and sniff around the dropped ash. It was funny when he tried to bat at the cigarette and miaowed, as I stood there blowing smoke rings. It was endearing how he started to stand on the fence, positioning himself downwind of me, so that the smoke I blew out would waft straight into his face…

And then it hit me. I’d taught my kitten to smoke.

It’s true – I have turned my kitten from a little black and white ball of  innocent fluff into a three-cigarettes-a-day (I don’t smoke much) nicotine addict, with smelly fur and a monkey on his back. God help me.

He stares at the packet. He cries to go out and then cries more if I’m not smoking. He climbs onto my lap and shoves his head into my mouth, if I’ve had a cigarette without him. Poor Zuul, he is the most corrupt kitten on Earth and it is all my fault.

Judge me harshly if you must but understand that you will never judge me as harshly as I judge myself.


14 responses to “I’ve Corrupted A Kitten

  1. Doug, I appear to have SHOCKED you into an uncharacteristic silence!

  2. Supremegoddess

    So, apparently we are both going to hell. You for corrupting tiny fuzzballs. Me for laughing about it and wondering if I could get my dog hooked.

  3. It’ll be porn soon, it’s a slippery slop.

  4. I am SO glad you are writing again……poor Zuul….you should get him the patch.

    • Hello! The patch is a good idea… Otherwise he will start lighting and smoking them without me. I’m not kidding – both cats can already open almost every door in the house.

  5. ROFL! Kinda like how I “taught” Evie to fetch, sounds like Zuul taught himself.

  6. My dog Maggie would be an addict if I let her. Sienna and Otis try to keep the cigarette out of my mouth, Maggie lines herself right up to get the exhaled smoke. She’s worse with alcohol. If this dog were human she’d be one of those floozies with too much make up you see sitting at the end of the bar.

    • Zuul hasn’t come across alcohol yet, his second drug of choice is BREAD. I shit you not… He rips the bag open, eats a fist-sized amount and then goes absolutely MENTAL for about 20 mins. He bounces off the walls, runs around at 100 mph and generally knocks everything off the table and shelves. *shakes head*

  7. Only YOU would have a kitten that gets a HIGH off CARBS…

    • I don’t know why he even EATS bread! He has plenty of food. Mind you, where we got him from he probably didn’t – and he developed his bread habit there.

      Lovely to see you BTW!

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