Eleven Things About The Satanic Bible
1) “I AM A SATANIST! BOW DOWN, FOR I AM THE HIGHEST EMBODIMENT OF HUMAN LIFE!” LaVey tells us (his capitals). Hell yeah! This is what we want! If I’m going to sell my soul to the Devil, I want to be striding around sneering at my underlings and doing whatever I want to do. If I’m going to be a Satanist, everyone else is going to FEAR ME, right? Oh but wait… Five pages later LaVey says we should follow the Left Hand Path, “Even if you cannot be aggressively honest about your opinions because of unfavourable consequences from employers, community leaders etc.” Damn. I have to keep it to myself in case I get picked on… But wait… Can’t I DESTROY anyone who gets up in my face?
2) “Therefore you have the right to (symbolically) destroy them…” Says LaVey, about the enemies of the Satanist. Symbolically? Damn again. It seems that even with Lucifer at my side I can’t actually be sure of DESTROYING people. In fact I’m allowed to rejoice “if” their annihilation should actually follow my rituals and curses… But I can’t count on it. I’d be better off with an AK47 and a couple of mates to give me an alibi. It’s like “I AM A SATANIST! BOW DOWN, FOR I AM THE HIGHEST EMBODIMENT OF HUMAN LIFE! APART FROM THAT BLOKE OVER THERE WITH A GUN, WHO CAN ACTUALLY KILL PEOPLE HE DOESN’T LIKE”.
3) The Satanic Bible is mostly a self-help book. “This book has the potential to change your life – it did mine” says Magus Peter H. Gilmore in his Introduction. If that isn’t the introduction to a self-help book, I don’t know what is. LaVey gives us some fairly standard assertiveness training tips, on dealing with “Psychic Vampires”. They sound like exciting foes but are really just overly demanding friends and relatives, who wear you out. “Say ‘no’, when circumstances justify doing so” LaVey tells us gently. Probably good advice but I was hoping that this chum of everything Infernal was going to teach me to DESTROY them, not just to avoid them and piss them off a bit.
4) The Satanic Bible gives us advice about sexuality too. Apparently, if you follow The Four Crown Princes Of Hell, you can be whatever you want to be; gay, straight, asexual, monogamous, poly… You can even masturbate! In fact, LaVey devotes about six pages to telling us that it is OK to masturbate. Wow, I guess I can find out what it’s like to masturbate now then. Indulge in whatever carnal delights you want to BUT “Naturally, you should avoid offending others who mean a great deal to you, such as prudish friends and relatives”, he adds. I can’t help thinking that he hasn’t asked himself “What Would Satan Do?”. I was under the impression (before reading this book) that Satan didn’t really care what the neighbours thought. Now I know that he won’t even come out of the closet.
5) “White” magic offends LaVey more than Christianity does. All through The Satanic Bible, LaVey pours scorn over “white magic”. He really has no time for people who conjure up demons but sit inside chalk circles, cowering from the very powers that they want to use. I can’t really say anything funny about that because it’s already funny. I’d like to see a “White vs Black Magic” fight though. That would rock. Except, most likely, nothing would happen.
6) No animals or children were harmed in the making of this ritual/religion. “Under NO circumstances would a Satanist sacrifice any animal or baby!”, we are told. Gosh, how boring. Really, I was more scared of Satanists after reading “The Devil Rides Out”. It seems I was misled…
7) “All the books about the Devil have been written by the agents of God”, whines LaVey, in a chapter on the Black Mass, in the “Book Of Lucifer” section of the Bible. He tells us that popular culture has always misrepresented poor Satanists, saying they hold ceremonies where naked women are tied to the Altar and hooded men stand around, with sexily dressed (in black) young women, burning black candles, ringing bells, chanting and sacrificing animals, whilst masturbating and drinking blood from a chalice. This is utter rubbish he claims. And to prove it, he tells us (in the “Book Of Baliel” section of the Bible) how to hold a REAL Satanic ritual… I mean, yeah, OK, there IS a naked woman as an altar but she isn’t tied, and yeah, hooded men DO stand around with sexily dressed young women, and they DO burn black candles and ring bells… But they don’t make sacrifices, or drink blood! And you can have anything stimulating in the chalice (Dr. Pepper?). Oh and yeah, they DO masturbate but they do that in the corner, when no one is looking. Wow, I’m glad he cleared that up.
8) Satanists may not be able to DESTROY people but they do know how to SEDUCE them! Just when I thought Satanism was looking a bit weak, LaVey decided to share the secrets of seduction! At last, a real POWER to be gained in exchange for my soul. LaVey explains that, as a woman, I have to do a few things to seduce the object of my desire… Apparently it helps if I am pretty and I should use that. Well, yeah. And I should dress sexily. Okay. And I should chant a bit, in case it works. Right. And “If you as a woman, wish to bewitch a man, do not fear that you might ‘offend’ simply because the oils and fragrances of your flesh have not been scrubbed away, or that place between your thighs is not dry and sterile”, he advises. Um… WHAT? Apparently men really go for a woman with a smelly vagina. Who knew? Scent is extremely important in seduction and the smell of fish is right up there in the Powers of Magic Hall of Fame. And not just for women. He tells the story of a young woman who was homesick for her fishing village and was seduced by a young male Satanist because… “He neatly tucked a mackerel into his trouser pocket, and reaped the rewards that great fondness may often bring.” I couldn’t help imagining the hapless subjects of Satanic Seduction asking “Is that a fish in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?”. Hahahaha. But it must be worth smelling like the fleet is in, if I can seduce Jude Law, right? Wrong…
9) Satanists believe in “The Balance Factor”, which basically means that if someone is out of your league, you won’t be able to get them. Well, Hail f***ing Satan. I mean, really, what is the POINT of sitting at the feet of Beelzebub, reeking of sardines and dressed like a tart, if I can only get laid by blokes who would have shagged me anyway?
10) Just a note on the words and punctuation used in the Satanic Bible… It seems The Prince of Darkness prefers us to use phrases like “between your thighs” and “eager cleft”, rather than cun… Well, you get the idea. He’s clearly very sensitive about such issues. LaVey says “fornication” a lot, which is a word I had only heard used previously by the Vicar and my Grandmother. BY them, not about them, obviously. “The Exorcist” would be a lot more realistic if the girl with green vomit had said “Your Mother sucks rods in Hell!” I suppose. Nobody likes a potty-mouth, not even the Lord of the Abyss. And! Satan! Likes us to use exclamation marks! OK?! Be polite about sex parts and use exclamation marks! Two more of the lessons I learned, when reading my way into damnation!
11) The list of “Infernal Names”is probably one of the funniest bits of the Satanic Bible. LaVey gives us 77 names, in alphabetical order, from Abbadon to Yen-Lo-Wang and then tell us “Whether all or some of the names are called, they must be taken out of the rigidly organized form in which they are listed here and arranged in a phonetically effective roster”. Hahahaha! Damn right they must be, because if you read them in the order he has written them, they sound like an Infernal Class Register.
So…Are you drawn to the Dark Side yet? Have I tempted you to use the Left Hand Path?