Feng Shui Of The Penis

I am the original author of this article. I posted it on LiveJournal in May 2006 and now I have posted it here. Recently I noticed somebody else using it online, to earn themselves some money. They didn’t ask, credit, link or pay me… In fact they claimed to have written it themselves! Bad Karma for them I think. May all their wind-chimes be mute and every penis they look at DROP OFF.

Literally translated as wind and water, Feng Shui is based on the Taoist belief that our bodies and everything around us are comprised of a constant flowing energy called ch’i. Feng Shui (pronounced Fung Shway) is a 5000-year-old Chinese art form designed to enhance the harmony between people and their environments. Originally used by Chinese emperors to maintain power and increase wealth, Feng Shui has been used to improve many areas of our lives…

But it has taken ME, Blogmella,  to apply that knowledge to the penis. It seems to me that I am the perfect person to write about this subject, since I have spent many hours (mostly online) studying penises, and many minutes (again online) studying Feng Shui. Below I have some simple tips for you (or your loved-one) to follow, in order to bring the power and benefits of Feng Shui to one of the greatest gifts of the Universe…The penis.

  • It is best to choose under-garments that allow ch’i to flow freely around the penis. Boxer shorts are excellent for allowing ch’i to flow but make sure that there are one or two small buttons on the fly, to keep out negative energy.
  • Tight underwear, such as “briefs”, tend to trap ch’i causing unhealthy stagnation in the Love Gua.
  • Thongs signify impared wisdom.
  • Cotton is a must in all masculine undergarments. Nylon when exposed to everyday friction, turns ch’i into static electricity, increasing the risk of a large blue spark disrupting the harmony of the penis.
  • Those men who wish to “go commando” (wearing no underwear at all) leave themselves “exposed” to negative energy. This can only really be kept at bay by tying a wind-chime on the penis, or constantly facing North.
  • It is good luck to urinate on a cat.
  • Green undies symbolize “Wood”, which is good news for all penis owners.
  • Pink undies promote “Love and Relationships”, which is good news for camp penis owners.
  • Never masturbate directly at a mirror, as this could reflect your burst of ch’i straight back at you, exploding your penis.
  • If you must sit in front of a mirror when masturbating, offset it slightly, so that you can disperse your ch’i (and possibly see anyone coming in behind you). Alternatively you could place something between yourself and the mirror, to absorb your energy; such as a plant, an ornament, a willing friend, or a wind-chime.
  • Arranging a symbolic object such as a camera, or webcam, to point at your penis is a good way to increase Wealth and Friendships.
  • Do not let long, narrow objects, such as bannisters or beams (known as “poison arrows” in Feng Shui) point towards your penis. A possible exception to this rule might be a long, narrow, wind-chime.
  • Goldfish are often used in Feng Shui to absorb negative energy. Dangling your penis in a fish tank will allow the fish to “suck out” your bad luck. Get the pet shop owner’s permission first though.
  • Put a couple of small crystals into the end of a condom before wearing it and align your partner with a door before having sex. She (or he) will thank you later.
  • If you are having sex in a toilet cubicle, put the seat down to avoid absorbing negative energy.
  • Avoid allowing your penis to face a bacon-slicer, as bladed objects can slice through ch’i.
  • Windows are a source of natural light, which is good for the penis. Take advantage of this healing light as often as possible. Nosey neighbours may be distracted by hanging a wind-chime in the window.


That has covered a lot of what I wanted to say but feel free to comment, give further advice, or ask questions. I’m here to share my wisdom.

30 responses to “Feng Shui Of The Penis

  1. a) “the harmony of the penis” sent me into gales of laughter – which in turn frightened the dogs. What this kind of early morning fright has on the Feng Shui of Labradors, I do not know but it did wonders for my morning.

    b) I sense a wind chime theme. Was your vast online research underwritten by the wind chime manufacturers association?

    • b) No, my conscience is clear (as far as wind chimes are concerned).

      As I stated above, the literal translation of “Feng Shui” is “Wind and Water” – so wind movement is an integral part of balancing ch’i.

      a) The Feng Shui of Labradors sounds like a “coffee table book”. Possibly one that I would write, if I was prepared to prostitute the very serious art of Feng Shui, merely to get attention.

      • see, I love the idea of ‘The Feng Shui of Labradors’ but as a send up of the whole idea (seeing as Labs are so incredible zen and mellow anyway – they would doubtless laugh at humans jumping through so many hoops to achieve the state.).

    • I thought that wind chimes and penii were related because they both tinkle.

  2. OMG-I have laughed so hard I am crying. This is the best! Hahahahahahahaha

  3. I have a few questions:

    When tying a windchime to a penis, is it best to hang it from the head or the base?

    Will a circumcised penis absorb more or less negative energy from a bacon slicer?

    • At the base is best, using red cord if possible. But do remember that tying it too tight will block the flow of ch’i.

      A circumcised penis absorbes more negative energy from all souces, but this lack of protection can be improved by using the colour green – either in garment form, or as body-paint on the exposed head.

  4. It’s interesting that Feng Shui means air and water, as my penis is most happy when exposed to air and water – not that the Feng Shui awesomeness of my three pairs of green boxers with button flies are in anyway diminished by this.

    “Arranging a symbolic object such as a camera, or webcam…”

    Haha – a thinly veiled attempt to get us to stuff your inbox with pictures of our Feng Shui willies. Well, it’s not going to work…this time. (Besides, my camera’s broken.)

    • Rob, those days are behind me now… Anything I say that looks “thinly veiled” is totally innocent – Feng Shui is an art and a science, not an excuse for cheap porn. *tut*

  5. If you’re going to take Feng Shui seriously, you’ll need to stop using the capital F when you write Feng Shui.

  6. I know it! I took one semester of Japanese. China’s just a little swim away.

  7. “It is good luck to urinate on a cat.”


    It is not good luck to pee on one of my dogs as it will pee right back on you.

  8. Pingback: There’s some funny sh*t on the internet! « DelightfulEccentric

  9. ” Thongs signify impaired wisdom.”

    Oh my gosh! You’re killing me over here! ROFL

    Question – do Speedos signify impaired wisdom too?

    Too funny! :D

  10. Best post EVER! I ran across izziedarling’s repost of this, and it absolutely made my day! The “willing friend” part made me gag on the water I was drinking. Good lord.

    I’ll certainly be back here :)

  11. I think you’ll find it’s pronounced “feng shoo-ey”, actually.

    The clue is in the spelling.

  12. ……and my husband will be getting lots of green boxers very soon. :)

    Will increase good chi if I put ‘good luck’ signs on them?

  13. And remember to spiral your piss flow in an anticlockwise/ tornado like fashion whilst pissing because if it is going too strait then a super charged bolt of negative energy will char fry your dick off!

    And then when you flush you should sit down on the bowl as far as you can and allow the flowing water to caress your balls. That way good spirits will go into your balls and make your orgasms super groovy man!

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