After a great deal of expert historical research, I am able to bring you shocking new revelations about the life of Robin Hood! These incredible unexpurgated extracts, from fragments of Robin Hood’s very own diary, are set to rock the world of British history – once they have been verified by the British Museum. Probably.
5th of April 1355
What wondrous fun it is here in Sherwood Forest with my Merry Band! The Sheriff of Nottingham has gone away for a while, which will enable us to enjoy a few days of rest. As luck would have it, a very strange thing happened this afternoon… My Merry Men and I captured a witch, who claimed to come from the future! I wanted to burn her but she persuaded me to let her go, in exchange for a box of magical books. The books seem to contain great wisdom about “Helping Thyself” -we cannot wait to read them. The next few days will be spent reading and enjoying the camaraderie that has brought us all such happiness.
6th of April 1355
The new books are a great success and are teaching us much! Truly it is as if they were written about us. We shall no longer be eating bread in our secret hideaway, since Little John has discovered from his book that he has a wheat allergy! His willingness to wield a staff in anger and his abnormal stature may both be symptoms of this. We are hungrier without the bread but now that we know it can be harmful, we are too nervous to eat it. Thank goodness for the wisdom of the books!
7th of April 1355
Not such a Merry day today. Minstrel Allan A Dale is suffering from a “creative block”. He used to make up songs about me at the drop of a hat but now he feels that I am limiting him artistically and he wishes to try expressing himself in a “range of different performance arts and media”. This he says will “free” him, according to his book. He upset Marion with a lewd “Modern Dance” in her honour… Frankly I preferred it when he was singing about me. Ah well, the books cannot be wrong.
8th of April 1355
I always knew that Will Scarlet was happier in tights than the rest of us and considerably more interested in styling Marion’s hair… But, after reading his book this afternoon, he took me aside and told me something SO shocking that I cannot bring myself to write it in these pages! Apparently the book gave him the courage to speak of things that are beyond my imagination. I think I shall ask Marion to lengthen my tunics. I don’t know what a “closet” is but I hope I stay in mine if coming out makes you want to do THAT.
9th of April 1355
Today I am very hungry. Now that we do not eat bread, meat is all we have (apart from the odd handful of berries)…so it was a bad day for us when Friar Tuck decided to go on the “Atkins Diet”, now he scoffs the lot. I though he was Jolly, now he says he has realized that he was “masking disgust at his own body image”. These books are beginning to be a curse. I’d better eat my berries before the others get back.
10th of April 1355
Those fucking books! Not only are we all on a Twelve Step Programme to get us off the Mead, not only have we got no music, bread or venison (apart from the shrinking Tuck and his new stinking breath) but now I’m getting no SEX either! Marion has decided that we are ” codependent” and wants to “explore other possibilities”. She seems interested in doing so with that bastard A Dale, so mayhaps the lewd dance didn’t upset her after all. Little John has lost his staff but found his “chakras”, whatever they are. He wants us to visualize a ball of light bringing forgiveness to Guy of Gisbourne. Oh God.
Everything is ruined, everything. Curse that witch and her evil books. Only one good thing has come out of this and (after some thought) I’m about to take Will into the bushes, to let him show me what it is.