I don’t know who should be more nervous, my neighbours or me… You see, next Saturday (the 8th of May) is World Naked Gardening Day. Wow.
Personally, I can’t think of a worse way to spend a day than gardening naked. In fact, just gardening would be a pretty crap way to spend a day, in my book. But why on Earth would I garden naked? Even fully clothed I always emerge from a spot of gardening covered in scratches, insect bites and gardening related injuries. And splinters. Not to mention sunburn. Also, because my garden is a little wild, I often have to use electrical tools, with sharp bits that whirl, slice and thrash about at great speed… Why would I want to use them in the nude? Everything about gardening naked is dangerous. What will they think of next? “World Welding Naked Day”, or “World Beekeeping Naked Day”? No thanks.
In addition to the danger of naked gardening, there is also the loss of dignity. Maybe I’m doing it wrong but it seems to me that gardening requires a lot of bending over, for a start. I don’t want the view from my neighbours’ gazebo to be the same one my gynaecologist sees, when I drop by for a check up. Also, if my neighbours are going to catch a glimpse of my breasts, I’d like to be sitting up, preferably with my hands behind my head. I don’t want them to see my boobs hanging down and swinging in front of my face, as I tidy my borders. Ugh.
Lastly, I’d like to point out that gardening is a hobby mostly enjoyed by the elderly. I swear, if the idea of World Naked Gardening Day catches on, I’m staying indoors next Saturday. I’m not risking a trip to the shops, if I’m likely to pass naked old retired couples, pottering about on their front lawns, looking like… Well, you know what they’re going to look like. That reminds me, I need to do the ironing when I’ve finished writing this.
I’m all for communing with nature, hugging dolphins, hiking through Tibet and all that hippie stuff… But gardening with no clothes on is just wrong. If my neighbours are reading this – you can relax now. Please say that I can too…
(A big shout out here to http://barryknell.wordpress.com/ , who wrote about this before I did).