Why My Boyfriend May End Up Killing Me

This morning I got up early. It wasn’t part of some time saving strategy (see last entry) – I was kicked out of bed by my boyfriend, Dave. The reason? Well, I hate to admit it but… Ugh… I am a snorer.

I snore for England. When I snore the emeffing windows rattle. Some nights, the neighbours think we are using an unlubricated chainsaw, to murder an asthmatic warthog. The sound of my snoring is not just unpleasant, it is a demonic wheezing and rattling combo, with a side-order of angry horse. I am oblivious to all this, because I sleep very soundly – the first time I know anything about it is when Dave screams, “Oh for F*CK’s SAKE!” and selfishly wakes me up.

I have tried to find cures, of course. Every night I wear Breathe Right snore -strips, that open my nostrils and makes me look like Deputy Dawg. I’ve taken pills and sprays, I’ve tried more pillows, less pillows, sleeping in funny positions and feeble attempts at self-hypnosis. I gave up smoking (albeit for a different reason), I was told that losing weight might help (I lost 60 pounds) but so far… NOTHING WORKS. I’m STILL SNORING. Even if I sleep in another room, my snoring can keep Dave awake.

I guess the next step will have to be a sleep-study and possibly a CPAP machine but frankly I don’t like that idea at all. It’s bad enough Dave having to see me in a snore-strip… It would be worse if he woke up every morning to find me looking like a tired, menopausal fighter-pilot. I think some people wear a sort of jaw brace, that makes you look stubborn, I suppose I could give that a try – but again it doesn’t sound very sexy. Mind you, I suppose Dave would be happy with any alternative to being kept awake by my current deafening orchestra of Satanic snuffling and snarling.

I wish I could come up with a Happy Ending to all of this but I can’t. Snoring sucks and I’m possibly going to be stuck with it until Dave cracks and beats me to death. *sigh*

OK, that’s enough of that, I’m going to have my bath now. Be good!

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30 responses to “Why My Boyfriend May End Up Killing Me

  1. DO THE SLEEP STUDY! Best thing I ever did! If you don’t have apnea and you just snore, there are mouth guards you can get that work well, and since they go in your mouth, you won’t look funny. If you DO have apnea, the way you will feel after just a night or two with a CPAP, you won’t give a shit what you look like wearing it. You’ll feel like a new person.

  2. I feel your pain. I snore like a stampede of horny rhinos! But I have never had a girlfriend wake me up and complain. Ahhh, the advantages of being a man. On the other hand, maybe that’s why all my relationships fizzle out after three months? The poor girls must be thinking, “That Rob’s a great guy, but I need some damn sleep!”

  3. I once kicked someone out at 2 am for snoring. Yes, I am kind.

  4. How about some earplugs for Dave?

  5. Shawn snores. About the same level apparently you do.

    So instead of waking him up constantly, I got myself a pair of earplugs.

    He wakes me up in the morning.

    His snoring doesn’t wake me up at all anymore. Problem solved.

  6. I like how you describe your snoring, and I hope you find a solution.

  7. How about ear plugs for Dave and you can snore away? People with strange sleeping hours or a snoring spouse highly recommend these. I always have a fan going so I don’t hear outside noise.

    I snore as well, but since I don’t live with anyone it isn’t a problem. It becomes a problem when the dogs start slapping me in the face because my snoring is annoying them. As if they don’t snore.

  8. I’ll admit a CPAP is not fun, but I no longer snore, my girlfriend sleeps peacefully now and so do I. While I haven’t “felt like a new man” after a year of using it, I must admit I wake up earlier and more easily now. And whn I don’t use it for more than a day or two, I feel it. A lot. You don’t know how badly you’re sleeping until you’re not sleeping badly anymore.

    Seriously, get a sleep study done. It’s worth it for all parties in the bed. :)

    • BOTH parties, you mean. With the noise I make, I’m not going to get more than one guy in bed with me. Oh and my morals would prevent it too, obviously.

      And thanks for the advice!

  9. I wouldn’t want a snoring boyfriend. I had one and we simply had to sleep in separate rooms (AND I COULD STILL HEAR HIM). It sucks and I don’t want a repeat. If you don’t pass the snore test, you don’t get in my bedroom.. not more than once, at least! Snoring seriously sucks, for all parties involved. :(

  10. I’ve heard of this product called Pure Sleep. http://puresleep.com/ It’s a mouthguard thing, and I know there are a couple of brands on the market. It might be worth a shot.

    Sleep matters. Oh boy does it ever! Here’s to a peaceful night for both of you!

  11. I have a CPAP machine, I still feel like crap/urefreshed, but my wife now gets some sleep. The breathe right strips seemed to work for me, but they are damned expensive!

    I like to think fighter pilot, but in relity, derranged elephant.

    • Wow. you’re pretty young to be using one of them, aren’t you? Is it noisy? I always imagine it will make an annoying noise of its own.

      BTW your pictures are stunning! Adding you to my Blogroll. :D

      • 28 chronologically, but I joined the old git society a feww years ago :)
        It’s a little noisy, but as the noise is happening in my mouth I can’t tell what it’s like for other people, maybe I should ask Melanie. If you take the mask off while the machine’s on it makes a wooshing sound that’s quite alarming when you think it’s just been clamped to your face.

        Thankyou! I do most of my posting on bristoldailyphoto.co.uk which I’ve neglected in the past couple of weeks, must get back to that :)

  12. If Dave is willing to put up with that, it stands to reason you must be a superstar in the sack.

  13. RE: ” it is a demonic wheezing and rattling combo, with a side-order of angry horse.”
    You need to embrace this-start recording it-there is a market!
    My boyfriend listens to music EXACTLY like this!!!
    Please — send us your “demo”!! :-)

    • Hahahahaha! Men tend to like that sort of shit, don’t they? I will consider this new career option, I’d quite like to carve out a future in music…

  14. Meh. The other half and I snore and snort like rattling chimneys. I like to think the two snore waves cancel each other out.

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