Ten Top Tips For Raising Boys

With thirty years of non-stop experience at bringing up boys, I think I am in a good position to give advice on this subject. So please enjoy…

Blogmella’s Ten Top Tips For Raising Boys

1) Keep it simple. Boys are not like girls, they are much easier to raise and make an excellent first child. Clean clothes, lots of food, a warm bed and plenty of sympathy/love are the only essential requirements to starting out. Washing facilities can be provided but most boys don’t enjoy using them and the effects do not last long enough to really get your money’s worth.

2) Boys need toys. Males need toys throughout their lives in order to be happy and the cost and size of these increases as the years pass. I would recommend buying a “transformer” type toy as a long term investment. One that can be made into a car, robot and gun will have the most play value, as these are the only things that really interest boys. Of course a ball is also fun… But if the boy wears glasses and likes reading, a ball will be a waste of money.

3) Books. In order to encourage a boy to read it is best to buy books with stories about cars, robots and guns. Later you can introduce comics and magazines that include aliens and naked women. Boys like books with lots of pictures and words like “Space” (or later “Vixens”) in the title.

4) School. The most important preparation for sending a boy to school is to teach him to fight. Lectures on reporting bullies etc. are fine for girls but boys need to be able to punch somebody hard in the face from day ONE if possible. A boy who cannot fight needs to learn to run, or needs to be set up with a tough friend. Try not to get too excitied about your son’s academic potential, that way you won’t be disappointed. If you wanted a clever child you should have had a girl.

5) Trading Cards. Boys need to be in possession of trading cards at all times. Through owning and swapping these a boy learns a great deal about bargaining, getting ripped off, winning, losing and stealing. Pokemon and Yugio cards encourage creativity, as the rules of the more “Japanese” games are so complex that they can be made-up and passed off as “real” if the boy is fast and emphatic enough.

6) Friends. Always encourage boys to have lots of friends and always make them feel welcome in your home. Mothers should remember that the scrawny, noisy little boys he hangs out with at your place today, are going to be horny, well-hung, nineteen year old, six-footers in the not too distant future. And they’re going to be sleeping-over in your house, on the sofa. Hell yeah.

7) Kleenex. From the age of twelve, it is a good idea to place a box of Kleenex in your son’s room. It is discreetly kind and it saves on replacing those stiff and smelly sheets, or curtains.

8) Sex Education. My lessons on failed contraception, sexually transmitted diseases and the perils of girls who “look old enough but aren’t”, led one of my sons to tell me that he thought he would “never be able to get an erection in the presence of a woman again”. Job well done, I feel. Boys need to be taught about menstruation, in order to understand why their girlfriends turn into psychopathic man-haters once a month.

9) Food. The amount of food that boys can eat is phenomenal. I tend to go for quantity over quality, as this is what my sons prefer. It is a good idea however, to keep something highly nutritional in the cupboard, to feed them if your Mother-In-Law visits…  The old bat will almost certainly be monitoring their diet and reporting it to other family members. She will also mention the type of food they have been eating if they are ill.

10) Clothes. The type of clothes your son wears will determine the kind of friends he hangs out with. This will effect your future as well as theirs, because it will effect the kind of people they bring into your home. I encouraged my sons to dress in black, buy bondage-trousers and get piercings etc. telling them that it would make them more popular and look tougher. Bingo! I was rewarded by a few years of entertaining the type of “young men” that I enjoy looking at. It isn’t rocket-science and it saves a Mother from having a house full of speccy nerds, in corduroy trousers, asking to use the computer.

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23 responses to “Ten Top Tips For Raising Boys

  1. All so true.

    And here is my top one tip for staying sane while raising a girl for 12 years:

    1. Have a boy!

  2. Yes! My youngest goes through so much food and milk we have to keep a second refrigerator stocked.

    I love boys, I can save all the shoe budget money for myself, so long as he has a pair of black boots or docs with not too many holes in them, he’s happy.

  3. Toys! Oh my gosh, the toys!

    You forgot to mention sound effects. Teach a boy how to make sound effects, and he will be able to keep himself entertained for life. *eyeroll* My place is a non-stop sound effect of one kind or another!

    • Oh bloody hell, I’d forgotten about the sound effects! Mine are a bit old for that now but back in the day… Gah, it doesn’t bear thinking about!!!

  4. #6 and #10 almost make me regret not having a boy child. Almost.

  5. personally, i’ve never wanted girls. i hope to have a slew of boys. maybe even my own little league baseball team, right in my own family.

    • I stopped at three (and that included a 12 year gap before Brandon) but I do love boys. I never really wanted a girl (except to please my Mum, the first time I had a baby).

  6. I have one of each and boys are much easier than girls. My girl wasn’t a big deal, but she had FRIENDS. A bunch of little girls in one room are emotional hostage taking terrorists. Girls also have crazy assed mothers.

    I could have my son’s friends over for months. My daughter’s friends could stay for hours before I told them to leave.

    • Yeah, my friends have often phoned me in despair because their daughters were being frozen out by the girls at school. Or the daughter’s Best Friend had just disowned her and ruined her life. Gah, I’d HATE to deal with that.

  7. Small boys are basically the same as puppies, except a puppy would probably be easier to house train than my two-year-old.

    Am expecting Boy 2 in October, and this post has reminded me that I’ve dodged a girl-bullet nicely ;-)

  8. I love boys! Though I like the nerdy types who want to use the computer, so it all depends on your goals.

  9. Fortunately for me, my friend’s mom liked the nerdy type.

  10. My boyfriend’s boys are all about the trading cards. The Pokemon cards end up all over the house!

    It’s amazing how children memorize all those names and stats. And it’s sad how much I now know as well.

  11. I like Jigglypuff, but Bulbasaur was my boy.

  12. Definitely a classic post!

    I remember because of the sting about school advice… ouch again

    -nerd-turned-powerlifter

  13. Wow! Horrible advice; I am so disappointed I clicked on this.

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