Why “Nice” Guys Don’t Get Dates

If there is one complaint about women I hear over and over, it’s that women are forever being friends with “nice” men but still choosing to sleep with “assholes”. Why on Earth aren’t we jumping into bed with the guys who listen to our problems, ask after our health and “care” about us?

“She only wants me as a friend but she dates guys who treat her badly!” exasperated men cry, “Why is she sleeping with guys who give her the run-around and want her for sex? I LISTEN to her, I UNDERSTAND her, I like her for WHO SHE IS!”.

To them it’s a mystery but to me it’s obvious. Friendship isn’t sexy.

A guy who spends hours cultivating a friendship with a girl, listening to her insecurities and differentiating himself from the rabid pack of sex-hunting monsters that he regards/portrays his fellow men as – then whines because she doesn’t want to sleep with him, is a hypocrite. But she has taken him at his word.

Sorry “Nice Guy”…you’re all after the same thing buddy but he (Nasty Guy) chose giving her something to chase and you chose listening to her problems. Bad luck, he had a better strategy because now she’s shagging him and tomorrow you’ll be hearing how “it’s lunchtime and he still hasn’t phoned”. But see, he didn’t go after HER as much as you do, he was HONEST about his wayward attitude and she LOVED it, he was exciting, a challenge and she’s thinking about how to keep him interested. You on the other hand are trapped in your little sympathy game and, in order to keep it up, you have to be available… So you aren’t going to be chased. You’re just THERE. You lose.

You say that you LISTEN to women, that you UNDERSTAND them,  but how many times have women told you that you are “TOO NICE” to date? What part of “TOO NICE” didn’t you understand? If a strategy isn’t working you have to change it, or suffer the same results over and over.

“But I AM nice!” you cry, “I DO want a girl to be close to, I don’t want to play mind-games!”. I know baby, I know… I want to get slim by eating cheese but it ain’t gonna happen. Mind-games, flirting, being hard to get, looking self-assured etc. are part of a MATING RITUAL. Once she fancies you, you can risk being friends (slowly) but at first you need to be the PRIZE. Friends are a kind of “consolation prize” and that isn’t sexy. No sex.

Oh, I know I’ll get lots of you telling me off and I know that the rules change as time passes and we all get older and wiser (or more desperate). There will be exceptions to the “rule”… Online relationships tend to develop a little differently because the sexual tension is enhanced by not being together, for instance.

But on the whole I’d say my observations are true. “Nice Guys” don’t get dates because they give their attention away for free, because they started off by being dishonest about (or not knowing) what they wanted and because they have seriously dispersed their “mystery” by sharing too much. Then along comes a silent guy with a motor-bike and a few notches on his headboard and the girls are more interested in him… After all, he’s less like another girl.


25 responses to “Why “Nice” Guys Don’t Get Dates

  1. There is a balance. What I find works more often then you’d expect is when you are in the middle of your first conversation with her suddenly leaning forward and whispering “I want to fuck you” or “I want to eat you out.”

    That’s not being a “nice guy” but it’s also not being “hard to get.”

    It’s just being direct.

    • Bart, I’ve deleted quite a lot of what went on in these comments, because most of them were not relevant to the post. I *asked* Dave to reply to you, for the record.

      This isn’t my old blog and even on my old blog I had to ask one or two people to calm down a bit. I’m not keen on very explicit replies and I don’t like people replying to multiple comments in MY space.

      • Fine by me!

        Sorry I overstepped!

        I was honestly trying to stay in the context of the “asshole guy/nice guy” scenario.

        Anyway, sorry about that.

        I’ll be mellow in the future.

        And, for the record, I honestly had no idea that was “your” Dave when he first replied to me or I would have replied differently.

        I thought it was “random dude starting shit.”

        If I had known my initial response to him would have been different.

  2. This works for girls too, doesn’t it? As everyone has said before bitches are the girls that always “get” the guy. Sigh.

    • Yeah, I’ve read a brilliant book about that – I think I’ve told you about it before. “Why Men Prefer Bitches” by Sherry Argov.

      • Yes you have. And it’s currently on my nightstand in the “to be read at a later date” pile. :)

        I’m going to a farm for a few months to work, so I will have lots of time to read.

  3. The evil ex was an insane pain in the proverbial, and she was quite terrible in bed.

  4. whatigotsofar

    I stopped reading after the first couple of paragraphs. Brings back too many bad memories of women who jerked me around and treated me like shit. I AIN’T THERE FUCKING SHOULDER TO CRY ON!

  5. I have had this happen countless of times and it is just annoying!

    My friends (who are girls) are like ‘oh you are so nice, you’ll find someone – we’ll set you up with someone’ and I am like AHA no ¬¬

    Atm, its just fun being single and getting on with life, much easier and simpler! :) call me sad, but it works easier for the time being. Once Uni comes round it may be a different story, I dunno! LOL

    • Awww… You never know. Brandon has loads of girlie mates but no girlfriend. He went to meet a girl in town and I hoped it would end up as a date but he said “No, I just helped her to choose a new handbag” LOL. Brandon is a walking example of flaming homo-gayness but claims to be straight. He says women just complicate life too – and you know what? He needs to study right now, so good.

  6. Good grief. Blogmella, you’ve been busy!

  7. I think nice guys lose out because a woman wants to know she’s desirable and more than just friend material. Nice guys don’t convey the desire part well enough I think. They’re trying not to be rude, but they’re also not getting their message across, unfortunately!

  8. Hey there, it’s Geo from Livejournal; mind if I forward this to some folks, it’s very well done:)

  9. I like nice men.

    I like men who make me laugh rather than cry.

    I like men who compliment me rather than degrade me.

    I like men who think I’m smart rather than calling me stupid.

    I like men who think *I* make the earth move rather than the earth revolving around them.

    I like men who treat me as a friend rather than a burden.

    I like men who accept me for who I am rather than what they want me to be.

    Yeah, I’ll have sex with a bad boy, but I don’t want to see him in the morning.

    • I’d like to say the same. I wouldn’t stand for infidelity obviously… But I do like a man to be a bit of a challenge. Some of my friends have husbands who are lovely – but so WET and spineless I could NEVER fancy them.

  10. Your last sentence said it! If you don’t act like a girl we won’t treat you like one.
    There should be a charm school for guys, where the actually teach Charm. How to be a guy without acting like a total douche, but not sounding like a nancy-boy, either.

  11. Love this post! I nearly started crying when I read it :)

    And said “nice guys” are often self-proclaimed. They are playing the same game; only they brought a hockey stick to a baseball game.

  12. Hm. Personally, I find truly Nice Guys to be HAWT. But I’ve also run into the phenomenon where they swear up and down they’re Nice Guys, but really they’re raving mysogynists. Or they’re secretly abusive controlling bastards. Or both. That’s very much not Hawt.

  13. I was just thinking how guys that are too nice are boring. I want someone to challenge me and not worship me. Although, it is nice to be told how hot I am. ;)

    I often think I just want a nice guy, but in reality I want someone that just fits. I have to be attracted to him of course, but I think when I meet him I’ll just know. There’s no point in making a list to tick off. Either he fits or he doesn’t.

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