12 Annoying Things That Mothers Do

1) Remarking on your weight: Any weight you are is wrong, according to your Mum. You’re either fat, or anorexic. Sometimes you are heading for osteoporosis if you don’t have some cheese. Sometimes eating cheese will mean you are going to have a heart-attack, just like your Grandad did.

2) Flirting with your male friends: Your Mum is keen to know that she has still got it going on and your friends like to encourage her – either because she is a MILF, or because you are horrified. Or both.

3) Serving up the food you love, so often that you start to hate it: I don’t need to elaborate, do I?

4) Phoning you at the worst possible time: The last episode of a twenty-six part mystery series has just begun, OR you are a minute from the biggest orgasm of your life, OR you’re half way through getting a soufflet out of the oven, OR you’re explaining why you want a divorce to your other half… Good old Mum is certain to choose this moment to phone you. And it will be for a reason so trivial and long-winded that you’ll consider becoming a serial killer.

5) Telling you the same thing, over and over again:  If she isn’t doing that yet, give it a few years.

6) Showing people your baby photos: But not in a nice way. “Look how FAT he is there, he’s like a little Buddha!”. “Look at the lovely thick hair she had, when she was little… You wouldn’t imagine that from the way it looks now!”.

7) Telling people embarrassing things about you:  “She used to wet the bed, until her periods started and then she just stopped, isn’t that strange?”. Why the f*ck would the postman need to know that?

8) Giving you too much information, about herself: “I had really bad constipation yesterday. It got stuck half in and half out – I was on the toilet for an hour!”. Thanks Mum.

9) Buying you hideous clothes: “It’s nice and colourful, I don’t know why you always insist on wearing black”. Then she hands you a garment that would make Stevie Wonder shield his eyes, in horror. And you’re expected to wear it.

10) Bitching about your other half: Nobody is ever going to be good enough for you (according to your Mother)- even though you’ve always been a bit shit yourself (according to your Mother).

11) Making you feel like a failure (no matter how well you’ve done): ” Your Father and I are so pleased that you’ve got the Nobel Peace Prize. Obviously it isn’t like getting a proper one, you know, like for Science, or Literature. But it is still good, we aren’t disappointed at all.”

12) Adding you on Facebook: Time to move on.


35 responses to “12 Annoying Things That Mothers Do

  1. “8) Giving you too much information, about herself: “I had really bad constipation yesterday. It got stuck half in and half out – I was on the toilet for an hour!”. Thanks Mum.”

    That is freaking funny, I needed a laugh this morning and good old number did that for me.

  2. This is my mam all over, but she does caus she cares.

    I’m planning on moving out for University in the next few months, maybe after Christmas and she has said that she is going to come visit alot – my head just screamed NO!

    And then one of my friends decided that it would be a good idea to say ‘oh, daniel’s mam you are always welcome to come round’ – I was like OMFG!

    Haha, mothers what can you do without them! XD

    • I am an awesome Mum – can you imagine how RELAXED my kids feel when I start talking to their mates? ;D

      • When ever a mother talks to their child’s friends I think it is just a resounding fear goes through them – my mind goes through everything that she might possibly say to them to embarress me – however, she seems to either get drunk with them or ends up hugging them all.

        At times it is cool she gets on with my friends, but at others I am like GO AWAY. I think it was my 17th bday house party, they went upstairs out of the way, it ended up all of the guests going upstairs and sitting on my mam’s bed talking to her and my dad! LOL

        • Hahaha! My son loves introducing people to Dave “This is my step-dad, he is 22 years younger than my Mum, because she thinks she is a MILF but actually he just likes old ladies”.

          • omg. that is hilarious – mind if my mam and dad weren’t together, and she was dating someone younger and I introduced her like that I think i’d have a black eye or two :D but it would be soo worth it!

  3. whatigotsofar

    1. My mother doesn’t remark about my weight. She just tells me to go for a walk.

    2. If my mother flirted with my friends, I kill my friends. Then kill myself.

    3. Other than the occasional baking of a sweet treat, she hasn’t cooked for me very much since I was 15.

    4. She never calls me. She knows I don’t like to answer the phone.

    5. This she does. Too perfection, she does.

    6. I had the picture of me with no pants cropped so that my baby penis doesn’t show.

    7. She doesn’t do that. My dad does that.

    8. No male child wants to hear about his mother’s reproductive system.

    9. When I was in grade school, I would purposely bring a change of clothes to school everyday. As soon as I got to school, I’d change out of the nice clothes she wanted me to wear.

    10. Haven’t got an other half. She just bitches about my father instead.

    11. She keeps telling me I’m such a great son I deserve a medal. TEN YEARS I’ve been waiting for my medal. Where is it Mom?

    12. She did read my blog once. It was a post about breasts that I dislike.

  4. My mom tries to prove that she’s still cool and can “hang” with the younger gals, but just ends up drinking too much, singing at the top of her lungs and passing out on the floor.
    #4 and #7 – definitely!

    • Oh I think I’m cool too. Luckily my b/f is the same age as my older sons, so I KNOW I’m cool… And I can hang with his friends (instead of annoying my kids).

  5. Tells your stepfather that you and your girlfriend want to go to the casino, then tells you and your girlfriend that she told him that, and if you say that you don’t, that will make her look like a liar to your stepfather, and everyone winds up at the casino because they are trying to make someone else happy or not-a-liar, except for one person who wanted to go.

    …or is that just mine?

  6. My mom lives out of the country but she did make it up to the States for my bachelorette party. Then promptly got drunk and started talking (loudly I might add) about a news report she had seen about the new trend of people bleaching their assholes. Nice.

  7. Hysterical! I love them all. How about: Tries to live vicariously through you. My mother once called me (yes, at a very inopportune time) to excitedly pronounce that Bob Barker was looking for new Price is Right girls and that I would be perfect(!) for it. Um, first – no. Second – why the frack would I aspire to be a brainless boob on a show hosted by the Cryptkeeper? Maybe it was cool back in your day…

    • Hahaha! My Mum tried to make me apply to be on a daytime TV series called “Loose Women” – where a panel of menopausal C list celebrity women talk about everyday stuff. They were looking for a “normal” woman to join them and my Mum was very keen that it should be me. I didn’t apply.

  8. All good things to know – except I’m not sure if it’s good to know them so I can avoid them when my kids get older, so so I can use them when they get older. ;)

  9. HAHAHAHA! We have the same mom and I’m trying really hard not to be that mom to my kids.

    My mom always told me if I was fat no one would love me. Fat was anything above starvation. Thanks mom for making me feel good about my weight.

  10. This is funny. I almost blew a gasket reading #7.

    Moms are great. It took me awhile to realize that ALL moms are crazy before I stopped taking everything she said so personally. Now I just listen and take everything with a grain of salt.

    It would be nice if just once she would say that she’s proud of me. That would be nice. :D

  11. This is so true – and, as far as I can tell, it’s pretty much a complete list. I think you’ve covered it!

  12. luckily though, when my mother commented on one of my facebook photos after getting an account, it made me learn about their privacy settings.

  13. My own mother has elevated 4&5 to an freaking art form!!

    In her case it’s either something trivial or to tell me about some manner of death, destruction and/or devastation she heard about. In either case, it will be long winded and she will be offended if you ask for the “short version” even if you are in the middle of trying to something of some importance, like trying disarm a nuclear bomb for instance.

  14. Oh, noooooooooooo! I am that mother! The only ones I’m not guilty of are 9 and 11. Darn you, blogmella, and your witty insight into our pitiful lives! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

  15. My mother always buys me hideous clothes. Sometimes the clothes are a joke, but I can never tell with her. So, I always wear the hideous attire when I see her. (This used to be a lot of fun when I was a teenager and would go out in public with her because it would embarrass her.)

  16. ugh…my annoying mother to a t!!!

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