1) Remarking on your weight: Any weight you are is wrong, according to your Mum. You’re either fat, or anorexic. Sometimes you are heading for osteoporosis if you don’t have some cheese. Sometimes eating cheese will mean you are going to have a heart-attack, just like your Grandad did.
2) Flirting with your male friends: Your Mum is keen to know that she has still got it going on and your friends like to encourage her – either because she is a MILF, or because you are horrified. Or both.
3) Serving up the food you love, so often that you start to hate it: I don’t need to elaborate, do I?
4) Phoning you at the worst possible time: The last episode of a twenty-six part mystery series has just begun, OR you are a minute from the biggest orgasm of your life, OR you’re half way through getting a soufflet out of the oven, OR you’re explaining why you want a divorce to your other half… Good old Mum is certain to choose this moment to phone you. And it will be for a reason so trivial and long-winded that you’ll consider becoming a serial killer.
5) Telling you the same thing, over and over again: If she isn’t doing that yet, give it a few years.
6) Showing people your baby photos: But not in a nice way. “Look how FAT he is there, he’s like a little Buddha!”. “Look at the lovely thick hair she had, when she was little… You wouldn’t imagine that from the way it looks now!”.
7) Telling people embarrassing things about you: “She used to wet the bed, until her periods started and then she just stopped, isn’t that strange?”. Why the f*ck would the postman need to know that?
8) Giving you too much information, about herself: “I had really bad constipation yesterday. It got stuck half in and half out – I was on the toilet for an hour!”. Thanks Mum.
9) Buying you hideous clothes: “It’s nice and colourful, I don’t know why you always insist on wearing black”. Then she hands you a garment that would make Stevie Wonder shield his eyes, in horror. And you’re expected to wear it.
10) Bitching about your other half: Nobody is ever going to be good enough for you (according to your Mother)- even though you’ve always been a bit shit yourself (according to your Mother).
11) Making you feel like a failure (no matter how well you’ve done): ” Your Father and I are so pleased that you’ve got the Nobel Peace Prize. Obviously it isn’t like getting a proper one, you know, like for Science, or Literature. But it is still good, we aren’t disappointed at all.”
12) Adding you on Facebook: Time to move on.