I was looking around online (to see what other Wisdom is out there) when I noticed a link to some of the most inane flirting advice I’ve ever seen. Really, I’m sure there are robots that could think of warmer, more flirty banter than this. Ms. Liz H. Kelly has had a book PUBLISHED on the strength of her advice… But if I couldn’t do better than her I’d give up.
So to make myself feel better, I’ve written replies (or my reactions, where replies are too painful to contemplate) to the 10 email flirting questions, that she thinks will help “ignite sparks online”, when sent in response to a potential date’s Profile. Or something. Silly bitch.
Where did you get that fantastic smile?
Cringeworthy and completely unanswerable, in any serious way. What are you supposed to say? “Genetics.” or “I’d just got laid.” spring to mind. This is the sort of approach that lonely, desperate people use, thus making certain that they will still be lonely and desperate tomorrow, and the day after.
What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why?
Mint choc chip. “Why?” WTF? Who (over the age of three) says “why” to that? How the f*ck do I know? Genetics again? Any exchange that starts with this question is going nowhere, faster than courgette soup goes through my bowels. Really, is that the most interesting aspect of my fabulous existence that you can come up with to examine?
What is the most romantic place that you’ve been on a date?
This question is just WRONG. It asks me to cast my mind back to a unique situation, where I was in love with SOMEONE ELSE. Seriously, we haven’t even met yet and I’m thinking about my old boyfriend already. At least say “…that we could GO on a date together” and make it about the future and about US.
What would you do if we got stuck in a snow storm in the mountains?
“Try to radio for help. Dig a cave in the snow and try to make my rations last. Try to hit the correct balance between maintaining warm blood around my major organs (by resting) and keeping frostbite out of my toes and fingers (by moving). I might write a will or a goodbye note to my loved ones. Are you there? Oh OK, I might kill you and eat you to survive.”
If you were going to take me out for a romantic evening, what would we do?
What is your favorite thing to do with a partner for fun?
Sex. Or in your case, bowling.
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
OK, this question isn’t quite as bad. It doesn’t try to force things by saying “romantic” for a start. It sort of tempts me to say “I’m not sure, remind me where you are again…” though. And then leave them to work out whether I’m planning on visiting them, or planning to put as much distance between us as possible.
How long have you played guitar? (Ask about something in their profile.)
Possibly the LEAST interesting reaction when you find out that someone plays guitar. It would be better to ask what type of music they play, whether they sing too, if they’ve ever performed to an audience…But just “How long have you…” is dull. And DULL. It’s like “I’ll ask you the question that will elicit the shortest answer, that way I won’t have too much to read or remember before we get to f*cking”.
Wow, is that your cute golden retriever? (Compliment something in their photograph.)
My replies would be “NO, it’s my MOTHER!”, or “WTF? How did THAT get in my picture?”.
When are we going to meet to find out whether we would ever want to kiss each other? (Depending on the person, you can sound cute using this one)
Depending on the person. Like depending on whether or not they have special needs. If a woman said this to a man…Meh, he might not care, I mean it opens the door to some possible physicality. But if a man said this to me I’d translate it as, “When am I going to find out if you’re pretty enough to deserve my attention and whether you’ll put out or not.”
Responding to profiles with flirty emails IS a challenge, I’m sure, but the tips that Ms. Kelly has come up with are PAINFUL. They’re like the ANTI-FLIRT. Don’t do it, back away from the keyboard…Heh.