Because I am a fan of crazy naturist blogger Barry Knell , I get highly welcome advanced warnings about people intending to be naked, outside the privacy of their own homes. Remember Naked Gardening ? I thought that was bad enough but now , thanks to Barry, I have heard about Naked Bike Riding. According to Barry,
“The World Naked Bike Ride for Britain kicks off next week with Southampton and Manchester on Friday 11th June. London and Cardiff have their rides on Saturday 12th June with Brighton, Bristol and Edinburgh on 13th June. Sheffield and York follow on 19th June.
For the life of me, I cannot imagine why ANYBODY would want to ride a bike naked. Why would I, as a lady, venture forth on a bicycle, without wearing knickers (unless I intended to sell the saddle afterwards, to a Japanese business man)? The positioning of female naughty-bits is just wrong, even for cycling fully clothed. And would I really want to be hunched over the handle-bars, whizzing along, with no top and NO BRA on? I’m not as young as I used to be – my nipples could get caught in the chain.
And what about Barry? I don’t know how to put this delicately, so I’m going to come straight out with it – what does he do with his testicles, when he is riding his bike naked? They aren’t going to be cradled by nice spandex cycle shorts, he can’t leave them at home, or put them in his saddle-bag… Surely he doesn’t sit on them? So does he have to choose which side of the saddle to dangle them on? Does he stand up for the entire journey? Do they just sit on the cross-bar neatly, like super-glued plums? Does he sit on something like this?
Or is that a saddled designed for women? Oh God, the more I think about it, the less I want to think about it.
Unless you are having a shower, sitting in the bath, or having sex – being naked seems impractical, messy and dangerous. Naturists also seem to come up with ever more ludicrous things to do in the buff, which virtually guarantees that I will continue to see them as lunatics. As a casual observer, I suppose naked bike riders passing by on Friday (I live in Manchester) will be fairly tolerable – I might even give them a cheer, as long as the traffic keeps moving at a fair pace and the naked cyclists are reasonably fit… But I won’t be taking part. Most certainly not. In fact, I’m going to wear an extra pair of knickers, just to reassure myself.