Top Tips And Phrases For Americans Watching The World Cup

Saturday is fast approaching and I can’t wait. There is a buzz in the air, England flags are flying everywhere and England’s first World Cup match is against the USA. Hahaha! That should be a nice easy warm-up for our team.

Everybody knows that Yanks are a bit crap at football but at least I can help to make sure that their FANS know what is expected of them, during a high-level match. Therefore, I give to you my –

Twelve Top Tips And Phrases For Americans Watching The World Cup.

1) The game you are watching is NOT “soccer”, it is called FOOTBALL.

2) At Half-Time, no matter how your team is doing, you must mutter sagely “Football is a game of two halves” and look pensive.

3) You may notice large groups of England fans (in the crowd) pointing at your fans and chanting, “You’re going home in a f*cking ambulance!”. This is traditional friendly banter and not as aggressive as it sounds (remember, in England medical treatment is free).

4) If you win (you won’t but I’ll tell you anyway) you have to say you are “Over the moon”.

5) If (when) we beat you, you have to say you are “As sick as a parrot”. (Please feel free to Google these facts).

6) Whenever anything threatening happens at your end of the pitch, look incredulous and shout “Offside, Ref!”. Never try to understand what “Offside” actually means, life is too short.

7) Any chanting along the lines of “Who’s the wanker, who’s the wanker, who’s the wanker in the black?” is aimed at the Referee (they traditionally wear black but nowadays may not). Feel free to chant this, whenever you are unhappy with a decision.

8) Also, helpfully remind the Ref to put on his glasses (even if he can’t hear you, through the TV screen).

9) If your team scores, pump your fist in a horizontal motion and shout “Back of the NET!”.

10) Any excuses about losing MUST start with the phrase “At the end of the day…”  for example “At the end of the day, England were a better team” or “At the end of the day, our defenders weren’t up to the job”.

11) Remember that (properly watched) football is not really a “game”, it is more a matter of life and death. Losing will not just affect your mood for the next few hours, it will mar your every living moment, until your team wins again.

12) Do not be confused by the number of countries taking part in the World Cup. Unlike your “World Series” more than a handful of countries are allowed to join in.


31 responses to “Top Tips And Phrases For Americans Watching The World Cup

  1. Hmmm… I’ll have to respectfully disagree a little bit – the sport IS indeed ‘soccer’… if it were ‘football’, we’d be fielding a FOOTBALL team – in which case, the Brits would have their collective gonads handed to them inside five minutes of play.

    Just a minor clarification… ;-)

    • Ahh, the FOOTBALL to which you refer is clearly the American variety where you can pick up an odd shaped ball and run with it. We have something like that too, it’s called “Rugby Football”, but ours is played by hard men who don’t need padding and helmets. ;-)

      In Britain we don’t play soccer – it’s football.

  2. whatigotsofar

    And one note for any Portugese watching the World Cup.
    Do you realize how silly you look when you root for Brazil the instant Portugal gets knocked out? Pick a horse and ride it. When it dies, mourn it. Don’t go looking for another flashier horse.

    • I’m with you on that I suppose – but then again, I think the Scots should stop being horrid and support England against the USA, instead of going all Braveheart on us.

  3. I like 3. I think that is the best one :D

  4. Re: number 11. I had an Italian friend who, when Italy was eliminated (can’t remember which World Cup that was) didn’t leave his room for MONTHS. The parents had to call in a doctor.

  5. The most “futbol” I ever watched was in a Mexican restaurant when I was a teen. Before these helpful tips, the only thing I knew to yell was, “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAL!”

  6. Seriously? I am an American who lives in England and can tell you that yes it is Football here but it is very much soccer in the US. Regardless of the name it is the same sport. No matter what each country calls it, it is not the US’s fault that they are only just getting into the sport.

    Oh and when we wipe the floor with England’s ass on Saturday… I hope you write another interesting blog about how that made your feel. ; )

    • Christine – I knew what I was getting myself into when I posted this. I would be a coward if I didn’t blog about losing. It won’t happen, but if it does you have my word that I will post my reaction. ;)

  7. What’s this, “World Cup,” that you speak of?

  8. Pshaw. It’s soccer. Football is American. :D


  9. When my daughter was in the marching band, they came up with a cute little tune/chant:

    “The ref beats his wife! The ref beats his wife!”

    They were asked to cease and desist after only a few games.

  10. Well, now – we have a DRAW! Not the best outcome, but not bad… so, tell me, what’s the custom as far as England’s goalie is concerned – will they go ahead and kill him outright, or just break his hands and feet for now? Or will they just lock him in a darkened room and force him to listen to old Helen Shapiro records?

  11. Sorry, but soccer is just too darned slow! I’m just getting to where I can tolerate baseball while I’m waiting for the real sports to return. Tennis is the only thing going when there’s no football, and I’m hoping you guys can put on another great Wimbledon!

    Your tips were very funny though. If there just isn’t ANYTHING better on during this whole ‘world cup’ thing, it might help me stomach a few minutes of the inaction. :roll:

  12. Who goes home in an ambulance? You go to hospital in an ambulance.

    …and I feel this list needs a passing mention of WHO ATE ALL THE PIES!.

    And the tradition of screaming “red card” whenever any of your players fall over (scream it louder if an opposing player is nearby)

  13. Hahaha! All very valid… :D

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