1) You Become An Adult: This is probably the best reason to become a parent… You’ll finally have to really grow up. Once you are a parent you can no longer allow yourself to be afraid of the dark, afraid of bees, drunk every night, or going without food in the house, “Because I bought a new Xbox game”. You mature, you think things through, you get over yourself… Because you now have some perspective. Usually.
2) Reproducing Your Genes: Let’s face it, once you’ve managed to meet the partner of your dreams and you’ve built a little home together, having a child is the logical next step. If you are worried about the environment, concerned about overpopulation and questioning the future of the planet…You are exactly the sort of person who should be breeding. God knows there are enough idiots doing it, and they have to be counter-balanced.
3) Buying Their Clothes: Tiny little baby clothes. Cute kids’ clothes. Cool, hardcore, kickass, teenage fashion (or alternative clothing). All great fun to buy, but they won’t fit you in middle-age… Or even if they will, you’ll look embarrassing. Kids are your ticket into the shops that you can’t normally shop in and it’s great fun to choose clothes without reference to your own fat belly. Mind you, it doesn’t always work – Brandon wanted to buy a horrible, chavvy, pastel-coloured polo shirt last week. I was all, “Get this T shirt! It’s BLACK with skulls on!” but he refused to entertain the idea. Damn.
4) Sharing Their Toys: I don’t need to explain.
5) You Can Use Them As An Excuse: “Oh I’d love to come and help you move house but Brandon has a temperature and he feels sick”. Or, ” I’ll have to get off the phone now Mum, Little Johnny has his head stuck in the bannister”. Perfect.
6) Retribution Is Yours: Ever been in a restaurant and seen kids running wild and throwing food? It’s SO frustrating that you can’t shout at them or hit them. However, if they are your own kids…You CAN! And everyone will applaud you for it.
7) Explaining Sex: Some people think this is a HARD part of parenting. Personally I loved it. Especially when one of my sons (naming no names) told me that masturbating sounded “disgusting” and that he thought he probably wouldn’t take it up. HAHAHAHA!
8) Telling Lies: If you lie to your friends and colleagues, you end up being put in a mental home. But with your kids, you can say anything you like. And better still, they believe you! Mine thought I was a secret agent, a magician, German and (at one point) their adoptive Mother. Of course, you have to tell them the truth after a couple of years.
9) Watching Children’s TV: Everybody knows that some of the best shows on TV are aimed at children but if you don’t have kids you have no excuse to watch them. Or maybe you just won’t notice them. Without Brandon, I would not have seen Pingu, for example.
10) Securing Your Future Care: Even at the exact moment that you are wiping your kids’ arses, you know in your heart that one day they will be doing the same for you. Or paying someone else to do it. And what boy can resist digging his old Mum’s garden? Or mending her roof?