World Cup Team USA: How To Do A Post Match Interview

So, England and the USA are both still in the World Cup – although it pains me to admit, the USA won our Group, whilst we qualified to continue in the competition as the “runners up”. Oh, the shame.

Does this mean I will now stop trying to educate Yanks about football? Of course not! Today’s lesson is about the Post Match Interview.

Yesterday, after watching England’s thrilling win against Slovinia, Dave and I watched highlights of the USA’s victory over Algeria. At the end of the highlights, there was an interview with USA goal-scorer, Landon Donovan. I have to say, the American interviewer had no idea how to talk about football and nor did Donovan. Dave and I were actually CRYING with laughter at them both.

Let me give you an example of what a PROPER post match interview (with the winning goal-scorer) SHOULD sound like:

REPORTER: Great goal, how do you feel?

SCORER: Over the moon… I hit the ball, the ball hit the back of the net and the rest is history.

REPORTER: I bet you and the boys will be celebrating tonight?

SCORER: We’ll have a few beers, yeah.

Now let me compare that with random quotes from the American post match interview:

LANDON DONOVAN: “I’ve been on a long journey, for the last four years…”

AMERICAN REPORTER: “What does it say about the player you’ve become, and the leader you’ve become, that you were able to pull this off …?”

LANDON DONOVAN: “People who know me closest, know how hard I have worked for this moment…”

I don’t know if I can really explain this properly but football is a very complex thing. It is both a religion AND a solid, no bullshit, working class game – where men talk like men and scoring a goal is poetic enough, without poncey sentiment and navel-gazing. The post-match reaction should not sound like an Oscars acceptance speech, or an endorsement of football as “therapy”.

Remember: Nothing introspective, no long words, no sentiment and don’t thank God (or your parents). Ball in net, men glad, drink beer.

You’re not in Hollywood now, Team USA.

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12 responses to “World Cup Team USA: How To Do A Post Match Interview

  1. It doesn’t help that Donovan plays for the LA Galaxy with that idiot Beckham.

  2. It’s not like he even needs to learn from his footballing brothers – hasn’t he ever watched Bull Durham?

    CRASH: Learn your cliches. Study them. Know them. They’re your friends. Write this down. “We gotta play ’em one day at a time.”

    NUKE: Boring.

    CRASH: Of course. That’s the point. “I’m just happy to be here and hope I can help the ballclub.”

    NUKE: Jesus.

    CRASH: Write, write–“I just wanta give It my best shot and, Good Lord willing, things’ll work out.”

    NUKE: “…Good Lord willing, things’ll work out.”

  3. You mean it’s not over yet? How long does this thing go on?!

  4. Heavens, how can you possibly appreciate the significance of the victory for the future of mankind if you’re not in touch with your FEELINGS? I have no idea, but I’ll ask my therapist and get back to you.

  5. I think you’ve touched on something here. In America, it’s not a working class sport, it’s a suburban sport. Thus, our players are expected to behave as if they were attending a ladies’ tea party. And perhaps that’s part of why it’s never caught on. The working class here is into basketball and our football – those are the beer swilling sports around here.

    It reminds me of that old song:

    I say, “To-may-to.”
    You say, “To-mah-to.”
    I say, “Soccer.”
    You say, “It’s called football you bloody idiot!”

  6. “Well, err, at the end of the day, yer know, umm, it’s a game of two halves innit.”

    Nuff said.

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