Unlike dogs, (who are stupid, loyal and think everything is BRILLIANT), cats are highly-strung, selfish and supercilious. They take advantage of us and are never grateful – often spending time at a neighbour’s house, to get extra treats… So how can we get even?
Ten Ways To Annoy Your Cat
1) Discuss your cat loudly (while the cat is in the room). Repeatedly say the cat’s name and occasionally laugh. The cat will eventually look paranoid, with flat ears and shifty eyes. Job done.
2) Keep opening cans of peaches, peas, anything that isn’t cat food. The cat will greedily run to the kitchen and then look miffed. Hilarious.
3) Dress your cat up. Baby clothes are good fun, or maybe just a big, silly bow. The cat will try to hide under the bed, in shame. Take pictures.
4) Copy your cat’s movements, when it is washing. The cat will gradually catch on, until it sits motionless, tongue half out, staring at you in angry disgust. Have fun with this idea but don’t accidentally lick your genitals, or the cat wins.
5) Whistle, in long, low, mournful notes and sit still. The cat will look confused, revolve its ears a bit and then come and try to put its head in your mouth. Stop until it goes away and then start again. Repeat until you get bored.
6) Fuss over a cuddly toy, while your cat is watching. Stroke the toy and tell it how wonderful it is, whilst completely ignoring your cat. The cat will come over and try to get your attention, finally flopping down in a jealous sulk. Leave them to fight it out.
7) Play a game called “It’s Raining”, whenever your cat finds you in the bath, or with your hands in water. The cat will get wet and angry. Pretend to be sympathetic about the unexpected weather.
8) Speak to the cat, in its own “language”, remembering to make it the most grotesque parody possible. The cat will be embarrassed and confused. With luck, you might even miaow something offensive.
9) Keep turning your head suddenly and staring at your cat intently. The cat will feel incredibly insecure and flooded with adrenaline. Priceless.
10) Post about your cat on the internet. The cat will mourn the loss of both privacy and dignity… Well, mine do anyway.