10 Things I Think I Know About Canadians and Canada

As you all know, I am England’s biggest expert on Americans and America. I am. So isn’t it strange that I’m virtually clueless about Canada? This, to me, would indicate that Canadians need to try harder with promoting their country. In order to demonstrate to them how much harder they need to try, I am going to list ten things I know about Canadians and Canada, off the top of my head. I won’t Google, I won’t cheat in any way… Let’s go:

1) Canadians sell chocolate at the airport. I know this because we stopped at a Canadian airport once (for an hour) on the way to America – and I bought some chocolate.

2) Canadians have guns. But unlike Americans they never shoot anyone.

3) Canadians never lock their doors. I think I’m getting these ideas from Michael Moore.

4) Canadians like Ice Hockey. So do I! But here in the UK, that makes me a freak.

5) Alanis Morissette is Canadian. She probably thinks that is somehow “ironic”.

6) It snows in Canada. But that’s OK, because Canadians are prepared for snow. I feel guilty because this list is making Canadians sound a bit boring. I’m sure they are just “differently interesting” really.

7) Canadians usually have a moose head on the wall. See? Not boring.

8) Canadians say “aboot”. But other than that they just sound like Americans with the volume turned down.

9) Canadians eat “poutine”. I have no idea what it is though. I’m not going to Google it, I’ve come this far without cheating. Most national dishes are famous for more than just the name! Why don’t I know what this is?

10) Canadians want to be British (yay!) or French (boo!). Basically they’re happy to be seen as anything other than American. Or Canadian.

And that’s just aboot all I know aboot Canada and Canadians. Oh wait, I know Mounties “always get their man”. Whatever.

CANADIANS: I’ve met some of you and I love you but MAKE YOUR DAMN MARK! Don’t let America leave you to play the part that New Zealand plays, to the mouthy Australians. Don’t be the same as Belgium is, compared to France. Let’s take the “O” out of “O Canada” and replace it with a “Hell YEAH!”.


50 responses to “10 Things I Think I Know About Canadians and Canada

  1. Canadians are just as badly behaved abroad as Americans, as I witnessed in Cuba–and as you can witness every day in London or anywhere else, because people assume those badly-behaved North American people are Americans, so Canadians get away with it.

    With my North American accent, I always get asked if I’m a Canadian. I’ve asked why, and apparently it’s because I’m polite and well-behaved and so the asker doesn’t want to “offend” me if I’m Canadian by asking me if I’m an American. But every Canadian I know says they’re constantly getting asked if they’re Americans. I think that tells you all you need to know.

    In short, Canadians are just loud bad-tourist North Americans with the weight of years of good PR behind them.

    Smug fvckers.

    • A lot of those “loud bad-tourist North Americans” are actually Americans passing themselves off as Canadians to get the advantage of the good PR. Even some travel guides in the States recommend putting a Canadian flags on your travel gear in order to get better treatment abroad.

      • This! As someone who works in the tourist biz in Canada and having met some Americans traveling, I have to say they can be the ones who leave my mouth hanging open by what they say. I had one lady from Texas say to me, “Do you know what I like best about Canada?”, I said “No, what?” She replied “there aren’t black people everywhere.” I didn’t know what to say to that. o.0 That being said, I’ve also met a lot more fabulous American travelers than the other kind.

      • Not in Cuba.

        Also, the bit about actual Canadians getting asked whether they’re Americans, presumably because they’re obnoxious.

  2. Anyway, I said all that because you said they’re “happy to be seen as anything other than American.”

  3. Here are some more facts about Canada that most people don’t know.

    – In the province of Quebec, the drinking age is 18, everywhere else it’s 19.
    – Every Thursday is clothing optional.
    – Canadian women have three tits. The third being a tiny one of the back, for dancing.
    – Other famous Canadians include: Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Dan Ackroyd, John Candy, Phil Hartman, James Cameron, Tom Green, Rush, Wolverine and three of the seven dwarfs.
    – We hate N********k as much as Americans do, maybe more.
    – Gays can marry here.
    – We grow the best pot here, or so I’ve been told.
    – It’s against the law to sneak up behind the Queen and yell “Boo!” And it carries a longer prison sentence than most violent crimes.
    – The first ever European settlement in North America was in Canada.
    – We still had the 1980s until 1993.
    – We don’t just scream in Parliament, we go so far as to stage a sissy-fight before each Parliament.
    – Canada is the top oil exporter to the United States.
    – Toronto is Canada’s wang while Quebec is just a shithole.

  4. These are the top 10 misconceptions about Canada.
    10. Sandy McTire is not and has never been our Prime Minister. He’s just a very respected private citizen.
    9. There is no poo in poutine. It just looks like there is.
    8. Babies are not baptised in beer, just bottle-fed beer.
    7. In Canada, aboot is footwear, not a mispronunciation of about.
    6. We don’t put maple syrup on everything, we just put in on food.
    5. Canadians are really not all that friendly; ever been to a hockey game?
    4. We’ve never elected a moose to be Prime Minister; the moose was appointed by it’s predecessor.
    3. We do have a summer season, just not every year.
    2. Canada is not one of the United States, well, not yet.
    1. We don’t all play hockey, somebody has to be the referee.

  5. I know I once read a list of 10 things about Canada, in which items 1,3,5,7 and 9 were all “only country ever to invade the USA and burn its capital to the ground”. Someone then pointed out that while this was vaguely true, they had British help. I know no more details than that, no date or anything.

  6. Hahahaha! I would like to have included that.

  7. all I know about Canada I learned from the greatest Molson advertisement ever made

    “My name is Joe and I am Canadian”

  8. Canadian quarters work in vending machines in Michigan (and probably other northern US states) but they don’t work in machines in Georgia. I know this from experience. If you live in MI, about 1/4 of your pocket change is Canadian.
    I don’t know if I could have come up with 10 things about Canada off the top of my head. Bravo to you!

    • Uh, I live in Michigan (though I’m British) and I don’t have any Canadian pocket change, nor have I ever received any from a cashier. :)

      • Maybe they’ve cracked down on international currency crossing the border since I was a kid. But, every time I go back to visit, I seem to come back home with some. Weird.

        • The reason I bought chocolate in the airport was because my Mum had Canadian change and gave it to me. She had visited America AND Canada but I don’t know where she picked up the change. ;)

  9. =waves Canadian Flag=

    Poutine – most disgusting looking thing I’ve ever seen done to french fries w/out the help of a 2 year old w/ easy access to the condiments.

    Doors: locked, shutters down over most of them & the gate on the chainlink fence locked when no-one’s home. (I like my stuff & want to keep it!)

    Moose head: why the Cthulhu would I want a moose head on the wall? We had to put the chainlink fence up to keep the accursed moose out of the damned flowers & garden, along w/ his buddies the local deer herd (nothing’s funnier than watching a deer try to figure out how to eat out of a squirrelproof bird feeder!).

    “aboot”: only times I ever heard someone say that have been at shoe stores & in comedy sketches.

    British vs French – Don’t want to be either. I’m happy being Canadian. After all, neither of them torched the White House, *we did! (and no doubt many were considering doing it again while Dubya was in office ;) ).

    • “We had to put the chainlink fence up to keep the accursed moose out of the damned flowers & garden”

      Haha! OMG, I LOVE these posts because I get to hear things like that. :D

  10. I saw a Canadian once, but it was a long time ago.

  11. I have a moose head on my wall, and I will take a picture and post it so you can see I’m not pulling your leg. =)

  12. Hmmm, none of the posts I made with links have shown up. My apologies if you get this more than once. I’ll try putting them in a replay that has text in it too. =)

    • Oh and to see a moose head like mine in a Tim Hortons commercial click this link.

    • Hahaha! Cindy, you really DO! The thing is, I have NO IDEA where that “fact” came from. I was just making a list and it downloaded from my brain. It sounded possible and funny, so I went with it… But really I thought people might just go “WTF?!”.

      It was ALL TRUE though. Wow.

  13. Canada is so quiet, I think sometimes we Americans forget it’s there. But to quote an old beer commercial, “It’s like a whole country north of Buffalo, eh?”

    And I know the population of the entire country is roughly equal to that of the US state of California.

    • When I look around me,
      I can’t believe what I see
      It seems as if this country
      Has lost it’s will to live
      The economy is lousy,
      We barely have an army
      But we can still stand proudly
      ‘Cause Canada’s really big

      We’re the second largest country
      On this planet Earth
      And if Russia
      Keeps on shrinking
      Then soon we’ll be first
      (as long as we keep Quebec)

      The USA has tanks
      And Switzerland has banks
      They can keep them, thanks
      They just don’t amount
      ‘Cause when you get down to it
      You find out what the truth is
      It isn’t what you do with it
      It’s the size that counts!

      Most people
      Will tell you
      That France is pretty large
      But you can put
      Fourteen Frances
      Into this land of ours
      (it’d take a lotta work, it’s take a whole lotta work)

      We’re larger than Malaysia
      Almost as big as Asia
      We’re bigger than Australia
      And it’s a continent
      So big we seldom bother
      To go see one another
      But we often go to other
      Countries for vacation

      Our mountains
      Are very pointy
      Our prairies are not
      The rest is
      Kinda bumpy
      But, man, do we have a lot
      (we gotta lot of land, we gotta whole lot of land)

      So stand up and be proud
      And sing out very loud
      We stand out from the crowd ’cause
      Canada’s really big!

      – Canada’s Really Big by The Arrogant Worms

      • I love that.

        “The USA has tanks
        And Switzerland has banks
        They can keep them, thanks”


        • The Arrogant Worms are hilarious and are one of the few Canadian bands I can stand other than Aerosmith. =) You’d get a kick out of their song about the national animal:

          The US is the Eagle
          Russia is the Bear
          Australia is the Kangaroo
          ’cause they’re kinda weird down there
          India is the Tiger
          That stands so proud and tall
          But Canada is the greatest of them all
          We are the Beaver
          We’re furry and we’re free
          Yeah, we are the Beaver
          We got two big front teeth
          Yeah we are the beaver
          We can chew right through small trees
          Yeah, we are the beaver, we are the beaver, we are the beaver
          You might think a rodent
          Is a pretty lame choice
          For a national animal
          But don’t ya listen to that voice
          No, ’cause all them birds and predators just take from the land
          But the beaver always gives a dam
          We are the beaver
          We got cute little webbed feet
          Yeah, we are the beaver
          It’s bark we like to eat
          Yeah, we are the beaver
          The nickel we complete
          Yeah, we are the beaver, we are the beaver, we are the beaver
          The eagle flys the skies above then swoops down on it’s prey
          The big bear will maul anyone that dares gets in its way
          The tiger is the greatest of the hunters today
          But the beaver, it can build dams, yeah
          The beaver it can build dams, dams
          We are the beaver
          We slap our tails when danger’s nearby
          We are the beaver
          We got waterproof hides
          Yeah, we are the beaver
          We got big bums and beady eyes
          We are the beaver, we are the beaver, we are the beaver
          We are the beaver
          Our name is often used as a double ententrade
          Yeah, we are the beaver
          ‘Cause in Canada both french and english belong
          Yeah we are the beaver
          And the subject of this song is
          We are the beaver, we are the beaver, we are the beaver
          I Can’t hear you
          We are the beaver, we are the beaver, we are the beaver
          are ya gettin’ the point?
          we are the beaver, we are the beaver, we are the beaver

          – The Arrogant Worms

    • Sounds like you’re safe from invasion then, Darcs.

  14. My only complaint about Canadians is when their quarters get mixed up in my change. My laundry room won’t accept them, and parking meters eat them without giving me time.

  15. I once did an open-top bus tour of Montreal.

    “This is Celine Dion’s house”

    “This is where Celine Dion went to school”

    “This is where Celine Dion got married”

    You get the picture.

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