As you all know, I am England’s biggest expert on Americans and America. I am. So isn’t it strange that I’m virtually clueless about Canada? This, to me, would indicate that Canadians need to try harder with promoting their country. In order to demonstrate to them how much harder they need to try, I am going to list ten things I know about Canadians and Canada, off the top of my head. I won’t Google, I won’t cheat in any way… Let’s go:
1) Canadians sell chocolate at the airport. I know this because we stopped at a Canadian airport once (for an hour) on the way to America – and I bought some chocolate.
2) Canadians have guns. But unlike Americans they never shoot anyone.
3) Canadians never lock their doors. I think I’m getting these ideas from Michael Moore.
4) Canadians like Ice Hockey. So do I! But here in the UK, that makes me a freak.
5) Alanis Morissette is Canadian. She probably thinks that is somehow “ironic”.
6) It snows in Canada. But that’s OK, because Canadians are prepared for snow. I feel guilty because this list is making Canadians sound a bit boring. I’m sure they are just “differently interesting” really.
7) Canadians usually have a moose head on the wall. See? Not boring.
8) Canadians say “aboot”. But other than that they just sound like Americans with the volume turned down.
9) Canadians eat “poutine”. I have no idea what it is though. I’m not going to Google it, I’ve come this far without cheating. Most national dishes are famous for more than just the name! Why don’t I know what this is?
10) Canadians want to be British (yay!) or French (boo!). Basically they’re happy to be seen as anything other than American. Or Canadian.
And that’s just aboot all I know aboot Canada and Canadians. Oh wait, I know Mounties “always get their man”. Whatever.
CANADIANS: I’ve met some of you and I love you but MAKE YOUR DAMN MARK! Don’t let America leave you to play the part that New Zealand plays, to the mouthy Australians. Don’t be the same as Belgium is, compared to France. Let’s take the “O” out of “O Canada” and replace it with a “Hell YEAH!”.