Category Archives: Comedy

My Date With Davros (Leader Of The Daleks)

As I mentioned in my post YESTERDAY, I had a date last night – with Davros, leader of the Daleks. What an evening! Davros is quite a guy.

Davros likes sushi

 We decided to meet up for sushi, since Davros had never tried it before and I like it so much. We made plans over the phone – so Davros agreed to wear a pink rose in his buttonhole, in case I didn’t recognise him. I carried a copy of  Woman’s Weekly, so he would know me.

At the start of the date, Davros was a little shy. He is often stared at in public, because of the negative image he was given on Doctor Who.

“It was all about the editing” he told me later, “They deliberately made me look bad.”

I felt rather sorry for him and certainly found him to be a complete gentleman. He was very attentive to my every need and even threatened to DESTROY a waitress, when she forgot my drink. Bless him. He liked sushi and since he only has one arm, it was perfect for him to just pop in his mouth.

We soon got chatting and found out we have loads in common. Davros likes cats and has a ginger tom called Simon. We both dislike spiders. Like me, Davros is an avid Manchester United supporter – he frequently joked that local rivals Manchester City should be “EXTERMINATED!” which was hilarious. In the end though, I had to ask him to lower his voice. He is very loud when he gets excited and I know that’s just part of his Kaled culture, but as I told him,

“You’re not on Skaro now and you’re not in America either – so keep the volume down!”.

Davros couldn’t guess my star sign and was amazed to hear that I am an Aries! He was very pleased and couldn’t wait to point out that as a Sagittarius his sign is compatible with mine. Sometimes I could see quite a twinkle in his cybernetic eye.

Of course, Davros also has a serious side and I have to admit, we did discover some huge areas of difference. Politically we are poles apart – I’m a “bleeding-heart liberal”, whereas Davros wants to control the entire Universe by wiping out any race, or individual, who stands in his way. He is a science geek and can hold forth on many areas of science, especially genetic engineering and biological warfare. In contrast, I got a “C” in my Biology ‘O’ Level and used to be an active member of the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament. We still had a lovely chat though.

In the end, Davros and I decided to be “just friends”. He was much nicer than I expected and much more charming than you might imagine. If I learned anything from my time with him, it is that you shouldn’t judge somebody until you have actually met them and that just because somebody is Supreme Overlord of the Daleks, it doesn’t automatically make them a bad person.

(Picture from Daleklinks)

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Americans: This Is A Tramp

I was looking for images for this post, in which I will describe the differences between an American “tramp” and a British one, when I came across this British newspaper headline. 

Church Minister Shames Congregation By Dressing As Tramp 

The article ends with this – 

Chuchgoer John Sproston was one of the first to arrive at the service to see the “tramp” on the doorstep. 

He said: “We were all aghast when he took off his wig because he was very convincing.” 

If you are an American and you just read that PLEASE DON’T PANIC! The Minister was NOT dressed as a lady of loose virtue, because whatever you may think, that is NOT what “TRAMP” means: 

THIS IS NOT A TRAMP

He was merely disguised as a long-term HOMELESS PERSON. That’s what the word “TRAMP” means and you can’t argue with that, because – 

a) A newspaper agrees with me 

b) A representative of GOD agrees with me 

And here he is, being a TRAMP (the Vicar, not God): 

THIS IS A TRAMP (VICAR)

Life is funny isn’t it? When I set out to make a post about “tramps”, I didn’t think I’d end up posting a photo of a vicar and a photo of me.

Ten Ways To Annoy Your Cat

Unlike dogs, (who are stupid, loyal and think everything is BRILLIANT), cats are highly-strung, selfish and supercilious. They take advantage of us and are never grateful – often spending time at a neighbour’s house, to get extra treats… So how can we get even?

Ten Ways To Annoy Your Cat

1) Discuss your cat loudly (while the cat is in the room). Repeatedly say the cat’s name and occasionally laugh. The cat will eventually look paranoid, with flat ears and shifty eyes. Job done.

2) Keep opening cans of peaches, peas, anything that isn’t cat food. The cat will greedily run to the kitchen and then look miffed. Hilarious.

3) Dress your cat up. Baby clothes are good fun, or maybe just a big, silly bow. The cat will try to  hide under the bed, in shame. Take pictures.

4) Copy your cat’s movements, when it is washing. The cat will gradually catch on, until it sits motionless, tongue half out, staring at you in angry disgust. Have fun with this idea but don’t accidentally lick your genitals, or the cat wins.

5) Whistle, in long, low, mournful notes and sit still. The cat will look confused, revolve its ears a bit and then come and try to put its head in your mouth. Stop until it goes away and then start again. Repeat until you get bored.

6) Fuss over a cuddly toy, while your cat is watching. Stroke the toy and tell it how wonderful it is, whilst completely ignoring your cat. The cat will come over and try to get your attention, finally flopping down in a jealous sulk. Leave them to fight it out.

7) Play a game called “It’s Raining”, whenever your cat finds you in the bath, or with your hands in water. The cat will get wet and angry. Pretend to be sympathetic about the unexpected weather.

8) Speak to the cat, in its own “language”, remembering to make it the most grotesque parody possible. The cat will be embarrassed and confused. With luck, you might even miaow something offensive.

9) Keep turning your head suddenly and staring at your cat intently. The cat will feel incredibly insecure and flooded with adrenaline. Priceless.

10) Post about your cat on the internet. The cat will mourn the loss of both privacy and dignity… Well, mine do anyway.

Top Tips And Phrases For Americans Watching The World Cup

Saturday is fast approaching and I can’t wait. There is a buzz in the air, England flags are flying everywhere and England’s first World Cup match is against the USA. Hahaha! That should be a nice easy warm-up for our team.

Everybody knows that Yanks are a bit crap at football but at least I can help to make sure that their FANS know what is expected of them, during a high-level match. Therefore, I give to you my –

Twelve Top Tips And Phrases For Americans Watching The World Cup.

1) The game you are watching is NOT “soccer”, it is called FOOTBALL.

2) At Half-Time, no matter how your team is doing, you must mutter sagely “Football is a game of two halves” and look pensive.

3) You may notice large groups of England fans (in the crowd) pointing at your fans and chanting, “You’re going home in a f*cking ambulance!”. This is traditional friendly banter and not as aggressive as it sounds (remember, in England medical treatment is free).

4) If you win (you won’t but I’ll tell you anyway) you have to say you are “Over the moon”.

5) If (when) we beat you, you have to say you are “As sick as a parrot”. (Please feel free to Google these facts).

6) Whenever anything threatening happens at your end of the pitch, look incredulous and shout “Offside, Ref!”. Never try to understand what “Offside” actually means, life is too short.

7) Any chanting along the lines of “Who’s the wanker, who’s the wanker, who’s the wanker in the black?” is aimed at the Referee (they traditionally wear black but nowadays may not). Feel free to chant this, whenever you are unhappy with a decision.

8) Also, helpfully remind the Ref to put on his glasses (even if he can’t hear you, through the TV screen).

9) If your team scores, pump your fist in a horizontal motion and shout “Back of the NET!”.

10) Any excuses about losing MUST start with the phrase “At the end of the day…”  for example “At the end of the day, England were a better team” or “At the end of the day, our defenders weren’t up to the job”.

11) Remember that (properly watched) football is not really a “game”, it is more a matter of life and death. Losing will not just affect your mood for the next few hours, it will mar your every living moment, until your team wins again.

12) Do not be confused by the number of countries taking part in the World Cup. Unlike your “World Series” more than a handful of countries are allowed to join in.

Waiter Pwns My Multilingual Mother

My Mother was fussing as usual, turning a family meal out into a fiasco, because the Greek Restaurant’d had the audacity to call its meals Greek things.
“What do you think this is?” she asked, poking at something on the Menu.
“I don’t know, it’s all Greek to me!” I joked pathetically. I tend to just order things and hope for the best, I mean the Menu roughly described each item in any case.

My Mother signaled to a waiter, who walked over slowly. He was olive-skinned and tall, with high cheek-bones and thick black wavy hair, the top two buttons on his starched white shirt were undone. He stood silently observing my Mother. She tipped the Menu in his direction and jabbed at the item again…
“Is this hot?” she asked. The waiter flared his nostrils and frowned slightly, looking quizzical. My Mother gave a bad-tempered sigh, shook her head and used the well-worn British approach to international misunderstandings.
“EEEES THEEIIISS ‘OOOTTT?” She shouted, in her finest pigeon English. The waiter’s face remained poker perfect…

“Do you mean heated or pungent madam?” he asked, in the most perfect, cut-glass English accent I have ever heard.

I had to stuff my napkin in my mouth when I saw the look on her face.

I Can’t Tell Them Apart

Over recent years,  I have developed a rare (and tragic) mental illness, that has crippled my ability to tell famous people apart. I now know that this illness is “Late Onset Celebrifusion” – a condition I have probably inherited from my Mother, who is a fellow sufferer.

Sufferers from LOC , as we at LOCAL (the Late Onset Celebrifusion Awareness League) call it, are likely to be female and will probably be over 50. There is no known cure.

Symptoms include: Saying things like  “Isn’t that the same guy who was in that film we saw last night?” and being wrong. Or maybe saying “I know HIM, he’s married to Jennifer Anniston!” and being wrong. Or, “I know HER, she’s the one who limps in ER!” and of course, she isn’t. The trouble with LOC is that even when the sufferer is TOLD that she (or sometimes he) is wrong, they still have terrible difficulty in accepting the truth. Sometimes convincing them is impossible.

People who have LOC desperately need your tolerance and understanding. And don’t forget the tireless work of the brave carers and volunteers – who sit through films and TV shows, listening to LOC sufferers and NOT JUDGING them.

I found out I had LOC after my boyfriend had spent several days frantically trying to explain to me that Owen Wilson was not the same person as Jeff Daniels. I was so confused by this first LOC attack that I still suffer from flashbacks and delusions that there used to be a film called “Starsky and Dumber”.

Please spread the word about this cruel affliction. Raise awareness, raise money for research, volunteer to watch films with people who have LOC. We need your help.

(If you suspect anyone you know may have LOC, please contact me through this post, or look for a local branch of LOCAL , in your phone book ).