Category Archives: Rants

Another Shocking Post About Zombie Aid

Despite SoylentDave’s earlier efforts to expose the behaviour of Carl Whiteley and Zombie Aid, and despite an article on similar lines being published in the Manchester Evening News, it now seems moves are being made for yet another “charity” event (involving Carl) to take place.

Time for Dave to publish some more of our evidence!

Zombie Aid 2 – Carl Whiteley

Advertisements

The Type Of Person I Hate

The art teacher who draws on your picture. WTF does this person think he (or she) is doing? YES the legs are too short, NO cows don’t have the same tails as horses…  But tell me with WORDS, indicate with your finger, Most of all DO NOT DRAW ON MY PICTURE. Nobody should draw on somebody else’s picture. Even Simon Cowell wouldn’t draw on somebody else’s picture. I hate that sort of art teacher.

The person who chats with you but doesn’t listen – and then enquires about something that you’ve already explained. “Is your brother going to be there?”, YES you ignorant f*ck, I told you about two minutes ago that he is driving up with his family to be there. You’re not old, you’re not deaf and you don’t have special needs… You’re just so RUDE and SELFISH that as far as you are concerned, my words are mere punctuations, rests if you will, between your own verbal spewing. In other words, you’re not listening.

The person who dumps you romantically and then says “But we can still be friends, right?” Oh yeah, OF COURSE we can. I mean, OK, you’ve just reached into my chest, torn out my heart and spat on it… But I’d still like to hang out. Hell, I hope I’m hanging out with you when you meet someone better than me, someone you can REALLY love, it will give me something to live up to! Oh please. The only way I can be friends with an Ex who dumped me, is if five years of no contact have passed (and I’m over him), or if he has been mangled in a horrible farm-machinery accident, (which would possibly dredge  up some pity in me).

The person who tries to be “wacky” or “zany” because they cannot face how boring they are. Anyone who says “everyone at work thinks I am just CRAZY! They never know what I’m going to do next!” Should eat shit and die. I swear, that person isn’t “fun”, they are the most loathed and avoided person in the building. People who are mad don’t know it – so if you’re going around saying “I’m mad!”, what you probably mean is “I want to be funny but I’m not”. And laughing loudly in a stupid way doesn’t make you interesting either, which is why I stopped meeting Jane for coffee and started pretending that I was dead when she called.

The sort of person who says “I never watch TV”. Not people who just haven’t got time, or the money for a TV, but the person who uses this as a way to prove how CLEVER they are. Refusing to watch TV doesn’t make you any brighter than someone who refuses to read books (there are some rubbish ones in Waterstones you know), or someone who refuses to go to the cinema (because they once saw “Joe vs The Volcano”). TV is like everything else, you have to exercise some taste and frankly if you’d rather miss all the GOOD things on TV than do that, I think you’re rather stupid.

The person who says “I speak my mind”. OK, I know, I’ve just spent far too much of your time speaking my mind… But c’mon, you know the sort of person I mean. I hate it when people pretend that being insensitive is a virtue, especially if that same person gets all moody when they get some back. There is a pretty thick line between being “honest” and being “cruel” and people who decide to “speak their minds” usually know full well that they are crossing it, in big stomping boots. What they really mean is “I’m a verbal bully, with no social skills”. Or in the case of the UK “I’m from Yorkshire”.

I actually hate more people than this but I’ve said enough for one day. Who do you hate?

I Am So Angry

Grrr. I have just sent a stiff email to the Stagecoach Bus Company, here in Manchester. Brandon had to catch a bus this morning and used his week-long “Easyrider” ticket. He had a valid Travel I.D. card and a valid ticket, both of which were kept in a Travelshop holder. Neither was damaged, or tampered with. Brandon was clean, tidy, sober and polite…

The driver wouldn’t let him on.

Why? Apparently the driver could tell that his ticket was “fake”. Even though it had been issued on a bus, was sealed in plastic and had all the appropriate marks and dates. He looked once, didn’t hold it himself, didn’t take it out (or ask Brandon to take it out) of the wallet. He said it was fake and asked Brandon to leave the bus, then repeated himself when Brandon held the ticket up for further perusal.

Is it any wonder that teenagers get rude with people these days? No WAY would the driver have treated me like that. And WHY did he think the ticket was FAKE? We shall never know, because he wouldn’t explain, or discuss it. It isn’t even Bran’s normal bus route, so it isn’t like he has been messing about with kids on the school bus (in the past) and made an enemy of one of the drivers. Brandon is a good kid anyway.

I hate petty little Hitlers, who get one tiny bit of power and then go crazy. I hate adults who treat all teenagers as though they were criminals. And I hate ANYONE who is mean to one of my kids… Especially BRANDON.

I feel sorry for anyone else who crosses me, or mine, today!

10 Things I Think I Know About Canadians and Canada

As you all know, I am England’s biggest expert on Americans and America. I am. So isn’t it strange that I’m virtually clueless about Canada? This, to me, would indicate that Canadians need to try harder with promoting their country. In order to demonstrate to them how much harder they need to try, I am going to list ten things I know about Canadians and Canada, off the top of my head. I won’t Google, I won’t cheat in any way… Let’s go:

1) Canadians sell chocolate at the airport. I know this because we stopped at a Canadian airport once (for an hour) on the way to America – and I bought some chocolate.

2) Canadians have guns. But unlike Americans they never shoot anyone.

3) Canadians never lock their doors. I think I’m getting these ideas from Michael Moore.

4) Canadians like Ice Hockey. So do I! But here in the UK, that makes me a freak.

5) Alanis Morissette is Canadian. She probably thinks that is somehow “ironic”.

6) It snows in Canada. But that’s OK, because Canadians are prepared for snow. I feel guilty because this list is making Canadians sound a bit boring. I’m sure they are just “differently interesting” really.

7) Canadians usually have a moose head on the wall. See? Not boring.

8) Canadians say “aboot”. But other than that they just sound like Americans with the volume turned down.

9) Canadians eat “poutine”. I have no idea what it is though. I’m not going to Google it, I’ve come this far without cheating. Most national dishes are famous for more than just the name! Why don’t I know what this is?

10) Canadians want to be British (yay!) or French (boo!). Basically they’re happy to be seen as anything other than American. Or Canadian.

And that’s just aboot all I know aboot Canada and Canadians. Oh wait, I know Mounties “always get their man”. Whatever.

CANADIANS: I’ve met some of you and I love you but MAKE YOUR DAMN MARK! Don’t let America leave you to play the part that New Zealand plays, to the mouthy Australians. Don’t be the same as Belgium is, compared to France. Let’s take the “O” out of “O Canada” and replace it with a “Hell YEAH!”.

Raising Academic Aspirations

So far this week, I’ve been exceptionally brave and have NOT mentioned the fact that Brandon is away. Brandon – my Son, my Court Jester, my faux Gay Best Friend… Oh how I’ve missed him! But today he “graduates” from the course he has been on, so (after the ceremony) we can bring him home. Yay!

He has been on a residential course at Manchester University, designed to encourage the brightest kids from schools in “rough” areas to continue into higher education… Excellent, we would love him to do that. And the whole thing has been free; including his room, meals, tuition, a night out bowling, a disco and a hired costume to “graduate” in! Apparently they spend £500 per child, on this four-day course.

So what lofty intellectual ambitions have they been instilling in my child? What dreams of academic excellence? What plans for studying and learning, once school is finished and his future profession calls?

“I’ve been doing Street Dance” he told me, during a phone call on Monday night, “And DJing. I was the best one at scratching – they wrote my name on the board and everything”. Great. Clearly they are going to turn him into the next Stephen Fry. Even now I can hear Oxbridge calling his name. Since then he has been able to do a class in Chinese and have a go at cutting open a fake arm… But even so, I do think it is lazy of them to immediately equate the idea of  kids from deprived urban areas, with the idea of studying “street” subjects. These kids are clever, the course is meant to get them to aim higher – so stop with the f*cking graffitti, drive-by, urban fashion nonsense and get them reading Shakespeare, or Descartes!

Each child is going to be involved in a little presentation about their course, at graduation this afternoon. I wondered what Bran would be doing, so I asked him, when he rang last night. Hamlet’s Soliloquy, perhaps?

“I’m doing a rap about recycling plastic bags” he said.

Oh for goodness’ sake.

Mindless Vandals

When I lived in Brighton, I would see bikes like this at least twice a week.

What kind of idiot goes around damaging bicycles? Was the motive sheer vandalistic pleasure? Frustration that the bike locks wouldn’t break and therefore the bikes couldn’t be stolen?  Or was it a personal vendetta, against cyclists?

Sometimes the way people behave utterly baffles me. Don’t they have ANY feelings for others? No consciences at all? No human decency? Virtually everyone I know has been a victim of crime, or several crimes. We are forced to scuttle from place to place, watched by CCTV, clinging to our possessions and regarding everyone else as a threat. Brilliant.

We need to stop fostering such a huge sense of “entitlement” in our children. We need to stop making TV shows where success depends on impressing bullies like Simon Cowell and fame is the only goal. We need to stop making TV shows like Big Brother, where showing off and trying to be popular are more important than being genuinely charming and accomplished. Maybe we just need to turn off the TV entirely, go out and pick up some litter.

Every time I look at the picture I took of those bikes, I get like this. I get angry and frustrated. I want to go into Brandon’s school and start lecturing kids about films and computer games. I want to tell them that in REAL LIFE, it isn’t acceptable to smash a room up, because you’re upset about something. I want to tell them that REAL justice isn’t served without a trial. I want to tell them that those “achievements” you earn on Xbox 360 are NOT achievements at all but are just something you sit around getting when you can’t be bothered to LIVE. I want to tell them that most of us adults are a bad example and we need them to be better than we are/were.

I don’t really know how to wrap this up but I’ve gone on for too long and I’ve ranted enough now. Thanks for reading. Take care out there and park your bike in a safe place, or better still, fit it with a booby trap. I need to make some tea, to calm me down.

World Cup Team USA: How To Do A Post Match Interview

So, England and the USA are both still in the World Cup – although it pains me to admit, the USA won our Group, whilst we qualified to continue in the competition as the “runners up”. Oh, the shame.

Does this mean I will now stop trying to educate Yanks about football? Of course not! Today’s lesson is about the Post Match Interview.

Yesterday, after watching England’s thrilling win against Slovinia, Dave and I watched highlights of the USA’s victory over Algeria. At the end of the highlights, there was an interview with USA goal-scorer, Landon Donovan. I have to say, the American interviewer had no idea how to talk about football and nor did Donovan. Dave and I were actually CRYING with laughter at them both.

Let me give you an example of what a PROPER post match interview (with the winning goal-scorer) SHOULD sound like:

REPORTER: Great goal, how do you feel?

SCORER: Over the moon… I hit the ball, the ball hit the back of the net and the rest is history.

REPORTER: I bet you and the boys will be celebrating tonight?

SCORER: We’ll have a few beers, yeah.

Now let me compare that with random quotes from the American post match interview:

LANDON DONOVAN: “I’ve been on a long journey, for the last four years…”

AMERICAN REPORTER: “What does it say about the player you’ve become, and the leader you’ve become, that you were able to pull this off …?”

LANDON DONOVAN: “People who know me closest, know how hard I have worked for this moment…”

I don’t know if I can really explain this properly but football is a very complex thing. It is both a religion AND a solid, no bullshit, working class game – where men talk like men and scoring a goal is poetic enough, without poncey sentiment and navel-gazing. The post-match reaction should not sound like an Oscars acceptance speech, or an endorsement of football as “therapy”.

Remember: Nothing introspective, no long words, no sentiment and don’t thank God (or your parents). Ball in net, men glad, drink beer.

You’re not in Hollywood now, Team USA.