Category Archives: sex

The Part Of My Body Most Likely To Make Me A Fortune

On more than a couple of occasions my nipples have been described as “perfect”, which is pretty hot when you think about it – although admittedly one of the people saying that was a midwife. A male school teacher once told me that my hands were the prettiest he had ever seen (at the time I didn’t understand how inappropriate that was), which was flattering. And my legs… Well, they’re shot now but they used to be dreadfully long and sexy, as everyone pointed out. 

So which part of my body has always been the most likely to earn me a fortune? Let me show you: 

Spreading them for the boys

That’s right, my FEET. Some people cannot get enough of foot fetish porn and by “some” I mean MILLIONS. I reckon I’m standing on a fortune with these babies and their extraordinary flexibility. If I filmed myself wiggling them in a cream cake, I’d be selling the DVDs and buying a MANSION with the profits. I once posted my toe-spreading ability on YouTube and was invited to London for a photographic encounter, of the porn magazine kind.  I didn’t go, which is why I am still alive and not buried under a rapist’s patio. 

Not everyone finds my feet sexy though (I know that is hard to believe). One person replied to my YouTube video “What r u some kind of ape?” – a hurtful remark that I shall never quite  recover from. Also my boyfriend says things like, 

“JESUS CHRIST, will you cover your disgusting feet up! I feel sick!” which I can’t help interpreting as somewhat negative

So anyway, I strongly believe my feet are my fortune and if the current recession continues, I shall have to cash in on their incredible powers of seduction. Not in the flesh, obviously, just a few tasteful photographs and some arty films. I know a lot of people might JUDGE me and say it isn’t right but then again, keeping such glorious assets under wraps could be seen as selfish, couldn’t it?


Too Beautiful To Fancy?

I’ve spent most of my long life surrounded by men and boys. Family, friends, husbands, sons, boyfriends; I like men and I’ve hung out with them a lot. I try to understand men and boys (on the whole they aren’t that complicated) but there is one thing about seemingly straight men that surprises me every time… Their ability to zoom in on something UGLY about any woman, however beautiful she is. In fact, sometimes it seems the more gorgeous a woman is, the more they can find wrong with her.

You’ve all seen/heard it happening, I’m sure. A really striking blonde (with long hair, long legs and a sexy pout) wiggles into the room. The men all turn and stare. You whisper to the nearest guy,

“I bet you like her!” to which he replies.

 “Nah, her earlobes are slightly elongated”. WTF?

I remember once reading a meme by a bloke on LJ, who had to say which celebrity he’d most like to sleep with. His reply?

“Angelina, pre-pregnancy.” This was ages after she had given birth, by the way. Again, I can only ask “WTF?”. He wasn’t exactly a male model himself. He was a single, obese, middle-aged internet geek, actually. Angelina probably didn’t get ANY stretch marks but if she did I’m willing to bet each and every one of them was more attractive to look at than Mr. Meme. Still, he had standards… So Angelina, post-baby, was no longer any good to him.

Perhaps men have this reflex in order to protect their egos (as in, “I don’t fancy her anyway, so she ISN’T out of my league”). Not every man who has criticised a beautiful woman to me, in real-life, has been my partner – but I suppose they might have been trying to protect MY ego (being as I’m not stunning myself). Or maybe some men are just a lot harder to please than women think they are. And perhaps the aura of physical beauty that surrounds some women also attracts deeper analysis of their looks – whereas a “normal” looking girl only inspires a quick inspection and an appreciation of what she HAS got to offer “Chubby but nice tits though”).

Last but not least… Maybe what is considered “attractive” in the general sense, ISN’T what most men are into sexually?

I really don’t know.

Why “Nice” Guys Don’t Get Dates

If there is one complaint about women I hear over and over, it’s that women are forever being friends with “nice” men but still choosing to sleep with “assholes”. Why on Earth aren’t we jumping into bed with the guys who listen to our problems, ask after our health and “care” about us?

“She only wants me as a friend but she dates guys who treat her badly!” exasperated men cry, “Why is she sleeping with guys who give her the run-around and want her for sex? I LISTEN to her, I UNDERSTAND her, I like her for WHO SHE IS!”.

To them it’s a mystery but to me it’s obvious. Friendship isn’t sexy.

A guy who spends hours cultivating a friendship with a girl, listening to her insecurities and differentiating himself from the rabid pack of sex-hunting monsters that he regards/portrays his fellow men as – then whines because she doesn’t want to sleep with him, is a hypocrite. But she has taken him at his word.

Sorry “Nice Guy”…you’re all after the same thing buddy but he (Nasty Guy) chose giving her something to chase and you chose listening to her problems. Bad luck, he had a better strategy because now she’s shagging him and tomorrow you’ll be hearing how “it’s lunchtime and he still hasn’t phoned”. But see, he didn’t go after HER as much as you do, he was HONEST about his wayward attitude and she LOVED it, he was exciting, a challenge and she’s thinking about how to keep him interested. You on the other hand are trapped in your little sympathy game and, in order to keep it up, you have to be available… So you aren’t going to be chased. You’re just THERE. You lose.

You say that you LISTEN to women, that you UNDERSTAND them,  but how many times have women told you that you are “TOO NICE” to date? What part of “TOO NICE” didn’t you understand? If a strategy isn’t working you have to change it, or suffer the same results over and over.

“But I AM nice!” you cry, “I DO want a girl to be close to, I don’t want to play mind-games!”. I know baby, I know… I want to get slim by eating cheese but it ain’t gonna happen. Mind-games, flirting, being hard to get, looking self-assured etc. are part of a MATING RITUAL. Once she fancies you, you can risk being friends (slowly) but at first you need to be the PRIZE. Friends are a kind of “consolation prize” and that isn’t sexy. No sex.

Oh, I know I’ll get lots of you telling me off and I know that the rules change as time passes and we all get older and wiser (or more desperate). There will be exceptions to the “rule”… Online relationships tend to develop a little differently because the sexual tension is enhanced by not being together, for instance.

But on the whole I’d say my observations are true. “Nice Guys” don’t get dates because they give their attention away for free, because they started off by being dishonest about (or not knowing) what they wanted and because they have seriously dispersed their “mystery” by sharing too much. Then along comes a silent guy with a motor-bike and a few notches on his headboard and the girls are more interested in him… After all, he’s less like another girl.

Porn Aimed At Heterosexual Men

As you might have guessed, I’m reasonably broad-minded about porn. As long as the subjects are adult, human and not being coerced, I don’t have a problem with it. In fact, you boys will be relieved to know that I’m giving you permission, here and now, to look at as much porn as you like. But I have a request… Please can you campaign to change the names of the pictures?
See, you’re all very quick to tell us ladies that you like to see “real” looking women in porn, that you like natural boobs, that you find bigger girls sexy, that you’re turned on by older women etc (aren’t you NICE?) but then you go and use websites that label their pictures in, well frankly, rather disrespectful ways. I mean, these ways aren’t just insulting to the women involved, they say something about YOU too… I would especially question the decision to click on links that say things like the examples I’ve listed below :

Ugly, drunk, older woman, who is crazy for cock. I actually saw hundreds of pictures called things like that. A friend explained that “Men like to see women they feel they could actually HAVE”. Oooh Kaaay, but if you crave to see a woman like that naked, why not just go to a bar?… You’ll be fighting them off. You’ll have a real live woman and she’ll have some cock! Everyone will be happy. If you MUST look at her on the internet, why not ask the site to call her “unconventionally attractive, mature, party girl, who enjoys sex”? Doesn’t that sound nicer? I still don’t understand why you’d click, to look at someone you’ve been warned is “ugly”. Hell, I caught the bus this morning and practically everyone on there was ugly. Granted though, most of them were not manipulating their genitals (as far as I could see).

Stupid, drunk, fat slut, on sofa. See, this to me sounds like a nightmare end to an evening. How are you going to get rid of her? Will she take the hint if you call a taxi? I know if you’re a lonely guy, this might be an opportunity for sex but is it really the basis for a FANTASY? I mean you want to masturbate about having sex with someone STUPID, as well as drunk? Please, for your own sakes, aim higher (not like that, I mean have higher aspirations). As for the girl…Why not just say “Voluptuous, and willing girl, on sofa”?

Granny sucks like a Teen.  As far as I remember, we don’t have to teach our Grandmothers how to suck anything, so why would we want them to “Suck like a teen”? Wouldn’t that be a less reliable suck? Plus, Grannies can often take their teeth out, which must be a bonus. Surely it would be more exciting to have a Granny who sucked in a way appropriate to her age. Or a teen who sucked like a granny.

Blonde Granny Cockslap. Since I’m old enough to have grandchildren myself (and my boyfriend is 22 years my junior), I’m not going to argue that older women can’t be sexy… But why can’t they just say “mature”? Is it really that IMPORTANT that she has grandchildren? And WTF does “cockslap” mean? Have I missed this aspect of cocks? Finally, I can’t help thinking that “Blonde Granny Cockslap” was someone who Rupert The Bear visited once, I’m sure she had a house in Nutwood, next-door to Bill The Badger.

Blah, blah blah (cut for taste), whore with big saggy boobs. You want her to be a whore (the oldest profession in the World), you want her to have big boobs… But really, do these sites have to label them “saggy”? How rude is that? She’s doing her best! If you don’t want them fake and you DO want them big, at least have the manners to accept where they’ve landed and to patronize sites that do the same.

Perhaps I’m being a little too girlie about this but if women are going to be generous enough to share their most glorious assets with you and to display them on various items of furniture (mostly sofas) for your delight – I really think it would be nicer if we didn’t call them horrid things. What do you think?

Feng Shui Of The Penis

I am the original author of this article. I posted it on LiveJournal in May 2006 and now I have posted it here. Recently I noticed somebody else using it online, to earn themselves some money. They didn’t ask, credit, link or pay me… In fact they claimed to have written it themselves! Bad Karma for them I think. May all their wind-chimes be mute and every penis they look at DROP OFF.

Literally translated as wind and water, Feng Shui is based on the Taoist belief that our bodies and everything around us are comprised of a constant flowing energy called ch’i. Feng Shui (pronounced Fung Shway) is a 5000-year-old Chinese art form designed to enhance the harmony between people and their environments. Originally used by Chinese emperors to maintain power and increase wealth, Feng Shui has been used to improve many areas of our lives…

But it has taken ME, Blogmella,  to apply that knowledge to the penis. It seems to me that I am the perfect person to write about this subject, since I have spent many hours (mostly online) studying penises, and many minutes (again online) studying Feng Shui. Below I have some simple tips for you (or your loved-one) to follow, in order to bring the power and benefits of Feng Shui to one of the greatest gifts of the Universe…The penis.

  • It is best to choose under-garments that allow ch’i to flow freely around the penis. Boxer shorts are excellent for allowing ch’i to flow but make sure that there are one or two small buttons on the fly, to keep out negative energy.
  • Tight underwear, such as “briefs”, tend to trap ch’i causing unhealthy stagnation in the Love Gua.
  • Thongs signify impared wisdom.
  • Cotton is a must in all masculine undergarments. Nylon when exposed to everyday friction, turns ch’i into static electricity, increasing the risk of a large blue spark disrupting the harmony of the penis.
  • Those men who wish to “go commando” (wearing no underwear at all) leave themselves “exposed” to negative energy. This can only really be kept at bay by tying a wind-chime on the penis, or constantly facing North.
  • It is good luck to urinate on a cat.
  • Green undies symbolize “Wood”, which is good news for all penis owners.
  • Pink undies promote “Love and Relationships”, which is good news for camp penis owners.
  • Never masturbate directly at a mirror, as this could reflect your burst of ch’i straight back at you, exploding your penis.
  • If you must sit in front of a mirror when masturbating, offset it slightly, so that you can disperse your ch’i (and possibly see anyone coming in behind you). Alternatively you could place something between yourself and the mirror, to absorb your energy; such as a plant, an ornament, a willing friend, or a wind-chime.
  • Arranging a symbolic object such as a camera, or webcam, to point at your penis is a good way to increase Wealth and Friendships.
  • Do not let long, narrow objects, such as bannisters or beams (known as “poison arrows” in Feng Shui) point towards your penis. A possible exception to this rule might be a long, narrow, wind-chime.
  • Goldfish are often used in Feng Shui to absorb negative energy. Dangling your penis in a fish tank will allow the fish to “suck out” your bad luck. Get the pet shop owner’s permission first though.
  • Put a couple of small crystals into the end of a condom before wearing it and align your partner with a door before having sex. She (or he) will thank you later.
  • If you are having sex in a toilet cubicle, put the seat down to avoid absorbing negative energy.
  • Avoid allowing your penis to face a bacon-slicer, as bladed objects can slice through ch’i.
  • Windows are a source of natural light, which is good for the penis. Take advantage of this healing light as often as possible. Nosey neighbours may be distracted by hanging a wind-chime in the window.


That has covered a lot of what I wanted to say but feel free to comment, give further advice, or ask questions. I’m here to share my wisdom.

How To Be Attractive To Women

These tips are about making yourself more attractive to women (if you are a man). Men are awesome but most straight men are considerably less awesome without the backing of a good woman. You need to attract a woman before you can win her over – so let’s crack on, with the tips, shall we?

1) Women don’t care what you look like. They don’t. They care how you dress and present yourself but they won’t even notice that you are short, fat, bald, skinny, lanky, wearing glasses etc… If you follow my other tips. I mean, they won’t in 90% of cases, the other 10% are shallow bitches that don’t deserve you. This is a tip because just knowing it makes you more attractive.

2) Smell nice. Unless you’ve just rescued them from a fire, or you are sweating in the gym, women prefer you to be clean. Undies are washable BTW. And so are socks.

3) Wear black. It really IS that simple. Black is sexy, badass and flattering. Everybody looks better in black. And leather. Black leather. A nice full-length black leather coat is going to make you wonder where all the girls came from. Black leather trousers, however, will make you wonder where all the men came from, so give them a miss.

4) Have an arrogant posture. Really. Head up, slight swagger, exuding your (possibly fake, it doesn’t matter) confidence from every pore. Confidence is sexy. You know now that your minor physical defects don’t matter, you smell divine, you’re dressed like Neo – frankly, we’re only up to #4 and you’re already a sex GOD. Is it hot in here?

5) Manners. Have some. Then have some more. Manners are sexy.

6) Be realistic. This is going to sound harsh but not every man can date a nymphomaniac Swedish model. The wider you throw your net, the more chance you’ll have of getting a date. Give the girls with “good personalities” a chance… At the very least they’ll be practice.

7) Get a dog. Buy, borrow or steal a dog. Chicks like dogs (especially puppies). You’ll look more approachable with a dog and more lovable by association. Oh, avoid dogs that stick their heads up women’s skirts, that isn’t going to be conducive to you doing the same later.

8) Pretend you are healthy. I know you’re not. Single guys never are. I’ve never ever read a blog entry by a single man that didn’t mention at least one of his many and varied minor ailments. When you go out, dose yourself up and forget the whining. She’ll play nurse when she’s in love with you but most women aren’t actively seeking a sick man.

9) Don’t stare at women’s tits. Very important. Don’t. It is a common mistake and horribly creepy. I know you’d love a woman to gaze longingly at your dick but trust me, it isn’t the same. Practice looking cool instead, if you ignore her “assets” she might be miffed and find excuses to shove them in your face, or rub them against your arm. Wouldn’t that be more fun than furtively mumbling replies to them as she talks?

10) Talk first. You may as well and she’ll love you for it. Ask for the time, ask if you are in the right building… Asking is good, it’s an excuse to talk and it makes you seem kinda vulnerable (despite your new found sexy coolness). Don’t use a cheesy chat-up line though. Ugh.

11) Listen. Guess what my favourite subject is? Me. I know it’s a shame but it’s true. Now that you are talking, I think you should discuss her. If she DOES ask about you, be vague, keep your mystery and be brief. Never admit to being a LARPer, for instance. If you are witty you’re probably getting laid already…  If you’re not, I’m afraid quoting huge chunks of Monty Python or The Office is not the same thing. Ask her about herself, pay attention and nod.

12) Learn to play the saxophone. That isn’t a euphemism, I really mean it. Possibly the best tip of all. Saxophones are totally sexy. If you are not musical, you might want to show her your scars instead. All men have scars and girls love scars. But stick to the accidental ones.

Buying A Gift For The Woman you Love

Are you a man? Do you want to buy a gift for the woman you love – but you lack confidence in your judgement? You’ve come to the right place. I don’t want to list the pros and cons of every possible gift on the planet, so instead here are a some pertinent questions you should ask yourself before purchasing anything for her – PLUS some suggestions for gift ideas.

Your gift idea:

Is it something she has specifically asked you to get her?  Yes? Buy it then! Only a man could come here looking for better ideas than getting the “little lady” what she bloody asked for. Anything I say about gifts from this point onward is irrelevant if she has ASKED for the thing in question.

Is it something you could/would buy for a man?  Don’t buy it for the poor girl then! She is beautiful, desirable, the Queen of your Heart… Her gift should be pretty, feminine and flirty – not a surround sound system that you probably want for yourself. If you want to get her a car though, you can do that! But make it a pink one, or something.

Is it “practical”?  Buying a practical gift for a woman you are supposed to love is a bit like slapping her on the back and suggesting she joins you in a farting contest. In other words, it’s unromantic. Calendars, cruet sets, socks, household appliances – they are all like the kiss of death to love. I married a man who bought me that kind of shit and then I ran off with someone else. See?

Is it traditionally romantic?  By this I mean, is your gift going to be chocolates, flowers, diamonds, a trip to Paris or a fabulous designer handbag? If so, buy away with confidence. Women love gifts that show everyone how much you love them. “He bought me a huge bouquet!” she will tell her friends, “He bought me diamond earrings!” – and you will be the Hero in her personal Chick Flick. Somehow “He bought me a watering can” doesn’t quite compete – even if it is a really expensive one.

Is it personally romantic?  A personally romantic gift is another wonderful idea, that she can enjoy and boast about. My current boyfriend once gave me a framed strip cartoon, that he had drawn himself, telling (in a very sweet and funny way) the story of our love. Right about now any woman reading this will know exactly WHY I ran off with him. Guys, think about your woman and what makes her sigh wistfully and gaze into your eyes. A song? A film? A place? Now buy something to do with that.

Is it connected to sex? If, however, your gift idea is connected to sex in some way (an outfit, sex toys, chocolate body paint) think again. I mean, those would be perfectly good things to buy out of the blue, or possibly for a shared Anniversary… But if you are buying a gift for her Birthday or Christmas, you really should be choosing something specifically for HER and not something that slyly gets you off as a side effect. She isn’t an idiot.

Is it unique? Gifts that are hand-made are very romantic. There are so many struggling artists out there, making beautiful things to buy, and often their wares are very affordable. Choose something pretty and wrap it in tissue and ribbons – What girl could resist? Bear in mind that nothing you can buy from a garage (gas station) forecourt falls into this category.

Does it insult her?  Strange as it may seem, men often buy women gifts that insult them! She doesn’t want clothes in the wrong size (so embarrassing to admit) and clothes that fitted perfectly would be a bit creepy (or is that just me?). She doesn’t want bath products (boring, plus, she doesn’t smell of sweat) and she doesn’t want wrinkle cream. She might like a trip to a Spa but she doesn’t want a coupon for liposuction, or gym membership.  Seriously, diamonds are a better bet.

Well, I hope all that has helped. Feel free to ask questions, or add comments… I’m always open to dialogue.