The Website I Can’t Stay Away From

Here it is folks –

http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/ 

I love this website and I visit it almost every day. Why? Because it has a clean, simple beauty. I can look at this website and find out something interesting about almost anywhere in the World. No political bias, no religious opinions, no stupid blogger trying to be funny… The World Clock just tells the time. And it tells it like it is.

If I’m surfing the internet at bedtime, I can look at the World Clock and go “Wow! People in New York are just leaving work!”. Then I’ll scan through and see that in Kuala Lumpur they are just sitting down to breakfast. And Dubai? They are probably already fast asleep.

It isn’t just the times though. Did you know there is a place called Tegucigalpa? No, nor did I. Anadyr? Never heard of it. Sometimes I just look at place names and think “I KNOW SOMEONE WHO LIVES THERE!” and feel all important and smug.

The World Clock has other features but I don’t bother too much with those. I just like seeing what time it is, somewhere else. What? It is very, very cool.

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My Date With Davros (Leader Of The Daleks)

As I mentioned in my post YESTERDAY, I had a date last night – with Davros, leader of the Daleks. What an evening! Davros is quite a guy.

Davros likes sushi

 We decided to meet up for sushi, since Davros had never tried it before and I like it so much. We made plans over the phone – so Davros agreed to wear a pink rose in his buttonhole, in case I didn’t recognise him. I carried a copy of  Woman’s Weekly, so he would know me.

At the start of the date, Davros was a little shy. He is often stared at in public, because of the negative image he was given on Doctor Who.

“It was all about the editing” he told me later, “They deliberately made me look bad.”

I felt rather sorry for him and certainly found him to be a complete gentleman. He was very attentive to my every need and even threatened to DESTROY a waitress, when she forgot my drink. Bless him. He liked sushi and since he only has one arm, it was perfect for him to just pop in his mouth.

We soon got chatting and found out we have loads in common. Davros likes cats and has a ginger tom called Simon. We both dislike spiders. Like me, Davros is an avid Manchester United supporter – he frequently joked that local rivals Manchester City should be “EXTERMINATED!” which was hilarious. In the end though, I had to ask him to lower his voice. He is very loud when he gets excited and I know that’s just part of his Kaled culture, but as I told him,

“You’re not on Skaro now and you’re not in America either – so keep the volume down!”.

Davros couldn’t guess my star sign and was amazed to hear that I am an Aries! He was very pleased and couldn’t wait to point out that as a Sagittarius his sign is compatible with mine. Sometimes I could see quite a twinkle in his cybernetic eye.

Of course, Davros also has a serious side and I have to admit, we did discover some huge areas of difference. Politically we are poles apart – I’m a “bleeding-heart liberal”, whereas Davros wants to control the entire Universe by wiping out any race, or individual, who stands in his way. He is a science geek and can hold forth on many areas of science, especially genetic engineering and biological warfare. In contrast, I got a “C” in my Biology ‘O’ Level and used to be an active member of the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament. We still had a lovely chat though.

In the end, Davros and I decided to be “just friends”. He was much nicer than I expected and much more charming than you might imagine. If I learned anything from my time with him, it is that you shouldn’t judge somebody until you have actually met them and that just because somebody is Supreme Overlord of the Daleks, it doesn’t automatically make them a bad person.

(Picture from Daleklinks)

Watching The Dating Channels

A couple of Brandon’s friends stayed over on his birthday, so yesterday morning (when they had all woken up) I fried up some eggs and bacon, gave them all mugs of tea and put the TV on. We watched a quiz show but after that everything on ordinary TV was boring… So we started watching  Gay Rabbit Chat & Date  and Rabbit Chat & Date  instead.

I find it sad that there are so many lonely people out there – but gawd knows, you can see why some of them are on their own. One guy was the ugliest bloke I’ve ever seen, in make-up and a wig, with eyebrows drawn half-way up his head. His message? “Looking 4 black male” – we all agreed blackmail was more on the cards. Then there was the “str8 guy” who wanted to date a transvestite. Maybe I’m old-fashioned but my definition of  “str8” doesn’t include men who have sex with men in dresses. Lots of very pretty young boys wanted to date men who were “up to 80″… How broad-minded of them!

On non-gay Rabbit, there were two men (looking for “laydeez” ) in sunglasses and reflective safety jackets – They had obviously decided to take their dating profile pictures whilst emptying dustbins, (or completing their court ordered Community Service). Lots of women seem to have gone for “sexy” and totally forgotten about “dignified” in their pictures. As ever, the fatter the women, the more “bubbly” they claimed to be. Far too many people were “LUKIN” for love. Aaaarrrrgh. And the ages… If the ages on EITHER of the dating channels are to be believed, some people have clearly had a lot of worry in their lives.

The biggest hit of the morning though was this message (no picture),

I AM DAVROS, LEADER OF THE DALEKS. I HAVE FAILED IN MY MISSION. I HAVE FAILED. I MUST BE EXTERMINATED. PLEASE EXTERMINATE ME! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

Hahaha!

Brandon’s friend Ben (who seems to be str8) said the biggest turn off about the parade of mingers on both channels was their “terrible English”. I’m glad to see that the kids Brandon hangs out with aren’t shallow and ARE geeky. I think the most childish person watching was probably me.

 Now, I have to go, sorry. Don’t tell Dave but I have a date with a Dalek.

Dried Fish Snacks

When I was a care-worker, I often worked with a Chinese girl (from Hong Kong) called Sam. This is her:

Chinese people are awesome

 Like every single Hong Kong Chinese person I’ve ever met, Sam was AWESOME. I’ve never seen anyone work so hard, or smoke so hard. That girl could roll and wash a client twice her size, single-handed and FAST. She could smoke, drive and swear in broken English, all at the same time as flipping the middle-finger at other drivers and filling in her time-sheets. Brilliant. She was funny too, and generous. She once gave me  a present, just to be kind…

Fish snacks are "different"

I must say, these strips of leathery dried cod were slightly less than “delicious”. On the other hand, they weren’t “horrible”. The best word to describe them would be “different”, or maybe “interesting”. I like food, so I ate quite a few, before everyone else in my house came running into the room.

“What the f*ck is that SMELL?” they all yelled.

Because I have no sense of smell at all (due to a childhood illness) I hadn’t realised that dried cod strips reek of…. Well, dried cod. I finished the packet and never ate them again.

As for Sam – I still think she is awesome. I want to come back as a Chinese person, after I die. Chinese people from Hong Kong are the coolest people in the world.

What On Earth Is Brandon Doing To This Cat?

Today is Brandon’s birthday! My baby son is fifteen today… How time flies. To celebrate, I’m posting a few pictures:

My hopes for his future –

Perhaps Brandon will become a proctologist

My memories of taking him to see Father Christmas –

He knows if you've been bad or good

How he sees himself –

Brandon owns this t-shirt in real life

And his love of animals –

Zuul has decided not to press charges

Just a magical glimpse there, into the joy of Motherhood and the wonderful task of bringing up Brandon. May he live long and prosper!

The Part Of My Body Most Likely To Make Me A Fortune

On more than a couple of occasions my nipples have been described as “perfect”, which is pretty hot when you think about it – although admittedly one of the people saying that was a midwife. A male school teacher once told me that my hands were the prettiest he had ever seen (at the time I didn’t understand how inappropriate that was), which was flattering. And my legs… Well, they’re shot now but they used to be dreadfully long and sexy, as everyone pointed out. 

So which part of my body has always been the most likely to earn me a fortune? Let me show you: 

Spreading them for the boys

That’s right, my FEET. Some people cannot get enough of foot fetish porn and by “some” I mean MILLIONS. I reckon I’m standing on a fortune with these babies and their extraordinary flexibility. If I filmed myself wiggling them in a cream cake, I’d be selling the DVDs and buying a MANSION with the profits. I once posted my toe-spreading ability on YouTube and was invited to London for a photographic encounter, of the porn magazine kind.  I didn’t go, which is why I am still alive and not buried under a rapist’s patio. 

Not everyone finds my feet sexy though (I know that is hard to believe). One person replied to my YouTube video “What r u some kind of ape?” – a hurtful remark that I shall never quite  recover from. Also my boyfriend says things like, 

“JESUS CHRIST, will you cover your disgusting feet up! I feel sick!” which I can’t help interpreting as somewhat negative

So anyway, I strongly believe my feet are my fortune and if the current recession continues, I shall have to cash in on their incredible powers of seduction. Not in the flesh, obviously, just a few tasteful photographs and some arty films. I know a lot of people might JUDGE me and say it isn’t right but then again, keeping such glorious assets under wraps could be seen as selfish, couldn’t it?

Who’s Who Of Doctor Who

I am probably one of the few people on the intarweb who can truthfully say that she has watched EVERY series of Doctor Who (until 2005), when it was originally transmitted. Quite impressive huh? Obviously the bitter side to that boast is the fact that it proves how OLD I am, but hey, I’m always exploiting the whole “experienced older woman” thing for all it’s worth, and it generally works wonders, so who cares?

Since I am in such an enviable position, I have decided to give you my take on each Doctor in turn. Some I liked, some I didn’t. Some I fancied, some made me want to be sick. Whatever else it will be a fun post BUT, much as I’d like to give lots of nerdy/geeky young men hard-ons… It won’t be chock full of obscure “facts” about the Doctor. Mostly because I can’t remember shit like that and partly because I find it boring. If you’d like facts, Wikipedia has covered Doctor Who to a degree that is almost frightening.

So here we go then… My take on the ten incarnations of Doctor Who, as I grew up with them.

First Doctor, played by William Hartnell (1963–1966): A scary old man, with straggly white hair, who shouted at his assistant. I was between the ages of five and eight (inclusive) during this period and William Hartnell made me hide behind the sofa FAR MORE than any of the monsters he encountered. His travelling companion was a fifteen year old relative named Susan and looking back, she probably had to wipe his arse and mash up his dinners and stuff, between adventures. NOT my favourite Doctor but he gets a prize for being the First One. He also gets a prize for managing to be visible, even on our blurry old black and white TV.

Second Doctor, played by Patrick Troughton (1966–1969): I was thrilled when Doctor Who regenerated into THIS lovely man. Patrick Troughton was a funny and friendly Doctor, who played the recorder (like I did at the time) and only frowned when he was thinking, or shouting at Daleks. He was also black and white but I think we had a better TV by then. I liked his clothes and he had a dark “Beatles” haircut that looked cool. I was only eleven when he stopped being Doctor Who but I’m pretty sure I found him sexy. What? Country girls get a lot of fresh air and live close to nature! Anyway, he is one of my absolute favourite Doctors.

Third Doctor, played by Jon Pertwee (1970–1974): Oh dear, NOT such a good Doctor. With his frilly shirt and white, curly hair, Jon Pertwee played the first “camp” Doctor Who but sadly he was as bossy as William Hartnell and rather too fond of himself for my liking. Plus, I was between the ages of twelve and sixteen and found MOST things “Pathetic!” at the time. I expect I wanted Marc Bolan to be Doctor Who. Jon Pertwee’s Doctor liked a man in uniform and seemed to be in love with human soldier Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart. I think they hung out in the bushes behind the Tardis, even though INSIDE the Tardis he had a young female “companion” in hot pants. Hmmm. At least he was in colour.

Fourth Doctor, played by Tom Baker (1974–1981): OK, NOW we are talking! This is the REAL Doctor Who, folks! King of the crocodile smile, wearer of the 20ft long scarf, he travelled through time and space, handing out Jelly Babies and mocking the various blobs, tin cans and humanoids that he battled with on a weekly basis. From barely legal to the age of twenty one, I WANTED him badly. But the old dog was actually banging his assistant in “real life”! He even married her for a while! Tom Baker took the Doctor that Patrick Troughton had so lovingly created, forgot the whole Jon Pertwee era, and built on the idea of a quirky, naughty Doctor, with a slight madness in his eyes… Only he did it with the throttle of the Tardis in one hand and his assistant’s ass in the other. God, I loved him.

Fifth Doctor, played by Peter Davison (1981–1984): Meh. Too young, too boring, too clean-cut and too weedy. I had two little babies in this era and I’d have loved some escapism, but the bland Doctor Who that Davison created wasn’t doing it for me. I think I was still hankering after Tom though. The only good news is that by now my TV had a REMOTE CONTROL! I still watched Doctor Who but I usually sat reading the Betterware catalog (or something) at the same time. My early 20s… Not sure I made the best use of them.

Sixth Doctor, played by Colin Baker (1984–1986): In an attempt to recover Doctor Who from the blandness that was Peter Davison’s Doctor, the BBC decided to launch Colin Baker (no relation to Tom) on the nation. He had a porky little face, blonde curly hair and clothes that were almost “drag”. He looked like the love-child of Miss Piggy and a circus clown. I’ve tried to remember more about him, really I have but I had two toddlers, no money and a distaste for the desperately crappy image of Doctor Who, which was now becoming a joke. On the bright side, I now had a VIDEO RECORDER!

Seventh Doctor, played by Sylvester McCoy (1987–1989, 1996): The BBC wanted to kill Doctor Who off and this was the stupid twat they decided to do it with. If you doubt me, observe that Bonnie Langford was his assistant. Surely the Public would let them forget Doctor Who now that this NIGHTMARE had come to pass? Dark days. No new technological developments on my TV either.

Eighth Doctor, played by Paul McGann (1996): BACK BY PUBLIC DEMAND! A brief but sexy return of Doctor Who, played by Paul McGann. At last we saw a Doctor kissing his assistant! Yay! At thirty eight I had two grown up sons, who liked Doctor Who and a newborn baby son, who liked milk. I’d have dragged Paul McGann naked into the TARDIS anytime. The plot wasn’t bad either. An all too short lived blast of Who but it kept the faith alive until… (Oh and we now had SATELLITE TV!) …

Ninth Doctor, played by Christopher Eccleston (2005): A leather-clad Doctor, who could smile like the menacing Tom Baker and seduce his assistant, her mother and some American bloke he bumped into… Whilst realistically saving the World. The Doctor was BACK and as a housewife of forty-seven, I heartily approved of a fit, slightly insane but very passionate Doctor Who. The size of Ecclestone’s ears meant he wasn’t just a pretty face. Heh. Bloody marvellous and triumphant return of The Doctor! And in (you guessed it) SURROUND-SOUND!

Tenth Doctor, played by David Tennant (2005–I stopped watching): Cute but I finally got  bored with the whole idea of watching it, because too much was going on in my own life. And it is a show for CHILDREN, after all.