Tag Archives: age

Eight Sex Fetishes I Won’t Be Trying

1) Scat: No, not singing nonsense in a Jazz club – I mean “scat” as in Coprophilia. Now, I’m open to new experiences and (even more useful in this context) I have no sense of smell, but I still won’t be trying this fetish.  Smearing the bedroom/myself/my lover in number twos, is not my idea of sexy (or romantic). Sticky, ugly and full of germs, human poo should either be up someone’s bottom, or down someone’s toilet. Followed by bleach. In my view the only person who should enjoy playing with poo is Christopher Robin (a joke that is funnier said aloud – try it). Never, NEVER, Google “scat” in Images, with “SafeSearch” off.

2) Water Sports: Imagine “scat” but with wee. My objections against this fetish are much the same as those against scat – but the Christopher Robin joke becomes less funny and more disturbing.

3) Bondage: Many people love to be tied up for sex but I’m not so sure. What if I get an itch? The moment I get tied up I will start worrying about getting an itch and that will make it happen, I know it. And I have the World’s smallest nostrils, so I can’t be gagged. If I tie my boyfriend up, it means I will have to do all the work during sex and that seems a little unfair – I already do all of the housework in here. So no bondage for me, unless he wants to tie me up and do a bit of Hoovering.

4) Spanking/ BDSM: I love sex, I really, really do. But at no point during an energetic bout of sex have I stopped and thought “You know what would make this more fun? Nipple clamps!”. Honestly, WTF? Pleasure and pain are linked, I know, but I’d still rather concentrate on the pleasure. I don’t even like it when my partner accidentally leans on my hair and pulls it. I’m like “OW! That hurt, you idiot!”, which isn’t at all sexy. Getting spanked before sex would annoy me, because it is illogical to be spanked for being “naughty” and then do something naughty. Getting spanked after sex would be a waste of time. And dangerous, because I’d be smoking.

5) Erotic asphyxiation: Basically means being strangled during sex. This is supposed to make orgasms more intense and stronger. Maybe I’m doing sex wrong but I don’t think I’d like my orgasms to be any more powerful than they are now – my head might explode. Added to that is the consideration that my boyfriend (who normally has a very good memory and observational skills) might be so distracted by his own orgasm that he forgets to stop strangling me, before I die. Being “out of breath” after sex = good, but being “blue in the face” = bad.

6) Splosh: This fetish is a definite no-no for me, because it is basically about wasting food, which is just wrong. Also, one of the great things about sex is that it is non-fattening, so why does some idiot have to come along and suggest  involving cake? Like all other fetishes that involve smearing yourself/others in something – it is just too messy. Ugh. And too much hard work, unless you have a broad-minded cleaning lady. Finally, think of chocolate gateaux… How on Earth could something as delicious as that be improved by adding the taste of genitals?

7) Foot/Shoe Fetish: I once put a video of my feet on YouTube, because I have an amazing ability to spread my toes very wide. One of the comments said “What r u some kind of ape?”, which was funny, but I also got offers to feature in foot porn. I didn’t take them up on it. I really can’t see anything sexy about feet and much as I admire my boyfriend’s boots and trainers, they’re hardly the stuff of wild erotic fantasy. As for me – I’m not the sort of woman who wears “bedroom shoes”, I’m more the sort of woman who wear flip-flops for seven months of the year and trainers for the other five. Also, I have the hairy toes of a Hobbit.

8) Ageplay: I am 22 years older than my beloved, so “pretending” that I am older than him would be redundant. I prefer “forgetting” about it  in the bedroom, if possible, and so does he.  On the other hand, I don’t think I can forget it for long enough to call him “Daddy” without bursting into laughter. In fact, whatever our ages were, I couldn’t imagine using that word in a sexual context… My Dad was a grumpy old git, not Keanu Reeves.

So, I guess I’m like ice-cream – just naturally Vanilla. There are other sexual things I won’t try as well, but I’ll save them for another time. If you’re good.

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Six Irritating Lies That (I Assume) Are Supposed To Cheer Us Up.

1) “Diets don’t work”: People love to spout this nonsense (especially fat people) but it just isn’t true. Sensible diets work perfectly well and the effects last for as long as the dieter is willing to continue being sensible. The trouble is, we are surrounded by tasty junk food and so we tend to fall off the wagon. That doesn’t prove anything about diets “not working”, it just proves that pizza tastes better than raw carrot. People who try to convince us that what we eat cannot change our body shape, for any significant length of time, are often walking examples of the opposite – their diets of KFC and cake having inflated them to mammoth proportions for YEARS. So, next time a fat person tells you “diets don’t work” just say “Well yours obviously has, you’re huge”.

2) “Size isn’t important”: Guys…It is. Sorry. Of course, the availability of a satisfyingly large penis isn’t the be all and end all of every sexual encounter (these things are more complex than that) but it really, REALLY, helps and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

3) “Age is just a number”: Nobody wants to believe this more than I do (my partner is a man 22 years my junior) but sadly, age DOES count. Good nutrition, plenty of exercise, and an awareness of current popular culture, can all keep a person vital and interesting but “young”? No. Gravity, hormones and general wear and tear still make a vast difference …Even to someone who is “good for her age”, like me. Plastic surgery can change a person’s appearance but probably only to the extent that they look different to other humans their age (which is not the same as looking young). Believe me, the more time I spend naked with my boyfriend, the less I can imagine surgery making my body as youthful as his. That would take a miracle. Also, I cannot bear people who say things like “I may be fifty but inside I am still the same person I was when I was a teenager!”. Really? To me that smacks of having Special Needs. I mean come ON, surely any normal person would be ashamed not to have moved on emotionally during decades of life experience?

4) “Women find bald men sexy”: No, GAY MEN find bald men sexy. Women might accept a guy being bald if he is built like Vin Diesel, or if he has the charm of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, but generally speaking women like a man with hair.

5) “Love means never having to say you are sorry”: What? I really don’t get this at all. Love is about passion, spending time together, exploring new avenues of communication, forging two lives into one future…And during all that the people involved never hit a situation where one has to apologise to the other? Rubbish. Owning a slave means never having to say you are sorry…Being in love means you’re saying it quite a bit – or sulking until the other person says it (for a change).

6) “What Goes Around, Comes Around”: Two words – Simon Cowell. The guy is an asshole but he seems to be doing pretty well on it. Call me when he is ripped apart by flying monkeys (or some other vile fate) and I will reconsider this “karma” based lie.