Too Beautiful To Fancy?

I’ve spent most of my long life surrounded by men and boys. Family, friends, husbands, sons, boyfriends; I like men and I’ve hung out with them a lot. I try to understand men and boys (on the whole they aren’t that complicated) but there is one thing about seemingly straight men that surprises me every time… Their ability to zoom in on something UGLY about any woman, however beautiful she is. In fact, sometimes it seems the more gorgeous a woman is, the more they can find wrong with her.

You’ve all seen/heard it happening, I’m sure. A really striking blonde (with long hair, long legs and a sexy pout) wiggles into the room. The men all turn and stare. You whisper to the nearest guy,

“I bet you like her!” to which he replies.

 “Nah, her earlobes are slightly elongated”. WTF?

I remember once reading a meme by a bloke on LJ, who had to say which celebrity he’d most like to sleep with. His reply?

“Angelina, pre-pregnancy.” This was ages after she had given birth, by the way. Again, I can only ask “WTF?”. He wasn’t exactly a male model himself. He was a single, obese, middle-aged internet geek, actually. Angelina probably didn’t get ANY stretch marks but if she did I’m willing to bet each and every one of them was more attractive to look at than Mr. Meme. Still, he had standards… So Angelina, post-baby, was no longer any good to him.

Perhaps men have this reflex in order to protect their egos (as in, “I don’t fancy her anyway, so she ISN’T out of my league”). Not every man who has criticised a beautiful woman to me, in real-life, has been my partner – but I suppose they might have been trying to protect MY ego (being as I’m not stunning myself). Or maybe some men are just a lot harder to please than women think they are. And perhaps the aura of physical beauty that surrounds some women also attracts deeper analysis of their looks – whereas a “normal” looking girl only inspires a quick inspection and an appreciation of what she HAS got to offer “Chubby but nice tits though”).

Last but not least… Maybe what is considered “attractive” in the general sense, ISN’T what most men are into sexually?

I really don’t know.

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How To Be Attractive To Women

These tips are about making yourself more attractive to women (if you are a man). Men are awesome but most straight men are considerably less awesome without the backing of a good woman. You need to attract a woman before you can win her over – so let’s crack on, with the tips, shall we?

1) Women don’t care what you look like. They don’t. They care how you dress and present yourself but they won’t even notice that you are short, fat, bald, skinny, lanky, wearing glasses etc… If you follow my other tips. I mean, they won’t in 90% of cases, the other 10% are shallow bitches that don’t deserve you. This is a tip because just knowing it makes you more attractive.

2) Smell nice. Unless you’ve just rescued them from a fire, or you are sweating in the gym, women prefer you to be clean. Undies are washable BTW. And so are socks.

3) Wear black. It really IS that simple. Black is sexy, badass and flattering. Everybody looks better in black. And leather. Black leather. A nice full-length black leather coat is going to make you wonder where all the girls came from. Black leather trousers, however, will make you wonder where all the men came from, so give them a miss.

4) Have an arrogant posture. Really. Head up, slight swagger, exuding your (possibly fake, it doesn’t matter) confidence from every pore. Confidence is sexy. You know now that your minor physical defects don’t matter, you smell divine, you’re dressed like Neo – frankly, we’re only up to #4 and you’re already a sex GOD. Is it hot in here?

5) Manners. Have some. Then have some more. Manners are sexy.

6) Be realistic. This is going to sound harsh but not every man can date a nymphomaniac Swedish model. The wider you throw your net, the more chance you’ll have of getting a date. Give the girls with “good personalities” a chance… At the very least they’ll be practice.

7) Get a dog. Buy, borrow or steal a dog. Chicks like dogs (especially puppies). You’ll look more approachable with a dog and more lovable by association. Oh, avoid dogs that stick their heads up women’s skirts, that isn’t going to be conducive to you doing the same later.

8) Pretend you are healthy. I know you’re not. Single guys never are. I’ve never ever read a blog entry by a single man that didn’t mention at least one of his many and varied minor ailments. When you go out, dose yourself up and forget the whining. She’ll play nurse when she’s in love with you but most women aren’t actively seeking a sick man.

9) Don’t stare at women’s tits. Very important. Don’t. It is a common mistake and horribly creepy. I know you’d love a woman to gaze longingly at your dick but trust me, it isn’t the same. Practice looking cool instead, if you ignore her “assets” she might be miffed and find excuses to shove them in your face, or rub them against your arm. Wouldn’t that be more fun than furtively mumbling replies to them as she talks?

10) Talk first. You may as well and she’ll love you for it. Ask for the time, ask if you are in the right building… Asking is good, it’s an excuse to talk and it makes you seem kinda vulnerable (despite your new found sexy coolness). Don’t use a cheesy chat-up line though. Ugh.

11) Listen. Guess what my favourite subject is? Me. I know it’s a shame but it’s true. Now that you are talking, I think you should discuss her. If she DOES ask about you, be vague, keep your mystery and be brief. Never admit to being a LARPer, for instance. If you are witty you’re probably getting laid already…  If you’re not, I’m afraid quoting huge chunks of Monty Python or The Office is not the same thing. Ask her about herself, pay attention and nod.

12) Learn to play the saxophone. That isn’t a euphemism, I really mean it. Possibly the best tip of all. Saxophones are totally sexy. If you are not musical, you might want to show her your scars instead. All men have scars and girls love scars. But stick to the accidental ones.