Tag Archives: birthdays

8 Reasons Why Homemade Cards Suck

Call me old-fashioned but when I get a card for my birthday, or Christmas, I like that card to have been printed in a factory and bought by the sender, in a shop. Why? Because homemade cards SUCK. You probably think so too but you’re too nice to say it. Or maybe you make them yourself and are deluded enough to think homemade cards are cool. They’re not, homemade cards definitely suck – and this is why:

1) They are too heavy. People create homemade cards out of “Heavy Duty” construction paper (or something), in order to give the illusion of “quality”  and to make them seem less like a poor substitute for a  REAL greetings card. Nobody is fooled by this. Now add the weight of various pieces of stuck-on crap and  my heart can begin sinking, even before I have opened the (lumpy) envelope.

2) “Less is more”. People who make their own cards never seem to get this. I don’t want a card covered in lace, buttons, wood, glitter, foil, old ripped up wrapping paper and other bits of random recycling. I simply want a flat card, with proper printing and a proper picture, that stands up properly.

3) They are made with “time release” glue. Getting a homemade card out of the envelope, in one piece, is a bit like defusing a nail-bomb – but less rewarding. What the hell do people use to stick these things together? Spit? Of course, you can always adopt my strategy – which is to RIP the card out of the envelope, say “Oh NO! It’s broken!” and throw all the component parts straight into the rubbish bin.

4) Most people are not gifted at art. There is a reason why Hallmark employ trained graphic designers to create their cards. A quick glance, at the homemade abominations your “crafty” friends have sent you, will make that reason clear.

5) Sometimes “homemade” stretches the truth. Occasionally, people acknowledge that they fall into the category of reason #4 and decide to buy a “kit” of card-making components – which they then dutifully sit and assemble, with their “sticky until it dries” glue and an instruction sheet in front of them. WTF? That makes absolutely no sense at ALL. If someone knows they are  useless at art, and they have no ideas of their own, why don’t they just buy NORMAL bloody cards and send those?

6) You can’t throw homemade cards away (without looking like a villain). Well, I can (see #3) but it is still much harder than chucking out an old “bought” card. Being given a homemade card makes it appear that somebody has put time and effort into it,  just for you. Throwing away that little token of  love would look like rejection and ingratitude, so you’re stuck with it forever. Even though we all know that the person who made it was probably, a) bored and wanted a hobby, and b) trying to save money.

7) The writing on homemade cards is sh*t. I want a card with decent writing. I don’t want some wonky calligraphy, done in felt pen. I don’t want a cheap “gold” Happy Birthday! that has been peeled off a backing-sheet and looks totally incongruous with the rest of the card. I don’t want the words on my card to have been cut out of a magazine “kidnapper” style. In short, I want a mass-produced card.

8) Homemade cards are not funny. I only really like funny cards and I’ve never seen a homemade card that was funny. By “funny” I mean ones that I can laugh WITH… Obviously I have been sent homemade cards that I laughed AT.

It’s not just me is it? And I haven’t even mentioned the fact that my Mum buys sh*tty little homemade cards that OTHER PEOPLE have made – and then sends them to me on my birthday. WTF is THAT about?  Homemade cards truly suck.

What On Earth Is Brandon Doing To This Cat?

Today is Brandon’s birthday! My baby son is fifteen today… How time flies. To celebrate, I’m posting a few pictures:

My hopes for his future –

Perhaps Brandon will become a proctologist

My memories of taking him to see Father Christmas –

He knows if you've been bad or good

How he sees himself –

Brandon owns this t-shirt in real life

And his love of animals –

Zuul has decided not to press charges

Just a magical glimpse there, into the joy of Motherhood and the wonderful task of bringing up Brandon. May he live long and prosper!