Tag Archives: humor

The Type Of Person I Hate

The art teacher who draws on your picture. WTF does this person think he (or she) is doing? YES the legs are too short, NO cows don’t have the same tails as horses…  But tell me with WORDS, indicate with your finger, Most of all DO NOT DRAW ON MY PICTURE. Nobody should draw on somebody else’s picture. Even Simon Cowell wouldn’t draw on somebody else’s picture. I hate that sort of art teacher.

The person who chats with you but doesn’t listen – and then enquires about something that you’ve already explained. “Is your brother going to be there?”, YES you ignorant f*ck, I told you about two minutes ago that he is driving up with his family to be there. You’re not old, you’re not deaf and you don’t have special needs… You’re just so RUDE and SELFISH that as far as you are concerned, my words are mere punctuations, rests if you will, between your own verbal spewing. In other words, you’re not listening.

The person who dumps you romantically and then says “But we can still be friends, right?” Oh yeah, OF COURSE we can. I mean, OK, you’ve just reached into my chest, torn out my heart and spat on it… But I’d still like to hang out. Hell, I hope I’m hanging out with you when you meet someone better than me, someone you can REALLY love, it will give me something to live up to! Oh please. The only way I can be friends with an Ex who dumped me, is if five years of no contact have passed (and I’m over him), or if he has been mangled in a horrible farm-machinery accident, (which would possibly dredge  up some pity in me).

The person who tries to be “wacky” or “zany” because they cannot face how boring they are. Anyone who says “everyone at work thinks I am just CRAZY! They never know what I’m going to do next!” Should eat shit and die. I swear, that person isn’t “fun”, they are the most loathed and avoided person in the building. People who are mad don’t know it – so if you’re going around saying “I’m mad!”, what you probably mean is “I want to be funny but I’m not”. And laughing loudly in a stupid way doesn’t make you interesting either, which is why I stopped meeting Jane for coffee and started pretending that I was dead when she called.

The sort of person who says “I never watch TV”. Not people who just haven’t got time, or the money for a TV, but the person who uses this as a way to prove how CLEVER they are. Refusing to watch TV doesn’t make you any brighter than someone who refuses to read books (there are some rubbish ones in Waterstones you know), or someone who refuses to go to the cinema (because they once saw “Joe vs The Volcano”). TV is like everything else, you have to exercise some taste and frankly if you’d rather miss all the GOOD things on TV than do that, I think you’re rather stupid.

The person who says “I speak my mind”. OK, I know, I’ve just spent far too much of your time speaking my mind… But c’mon, you know the sort of person I mean. I hate it when people pretend that being insensitive is a virtue, especially if that same person gets all moody when they get some back. There is a pretty thick line between being “honest” and being “cruel” and people who decide to “speak their minds” usually know full well that they are crossing it, in big stomping boots. What they really mean is “I’m a verbal bully, with no social skills”. Or in the case of the UK “I’m from Yorkshire”.

I actually hate more people than this but I’ve said enough for one day. Who do you hate?

My Date With Davros (Leader Of The Daleks)

As I mentioned in my post YESTERDAY, I had a date last night – with Davros, leader of the Daleks. What an evening! Davros is quite a guy.

Davros likes sushi

 We decided to meet up for sushi, since Davros had never tried it before and I like it so much. We made plans over the phone – so Davros agreed to wear a pink rose in his buttonhole, in case I didn’t recognise him. I carried a copy of  Woman’s Weekly, so he would know me.

At the start of the date, Davros was a little shy. He is often stared at in public, because of the negative image he was given on Doctor Who.

“It was all about the editing” he told me later, “They deliberately made me look bad.”

I felt rather sorry for him and certainly found him to be a complete gentleman. He was very attentive to my every need and even threatened to DESTROY a waitress, when she forgot my drink. Bless him. He liked sushi and since he only has one arm, it was perfect for him to just pop in his mouth.

We soon got chatting and found out we have loads in common. Davros likes cats and has a ginger tom called Simon. We both dislike spiders. Like me, Davros is an avid Manchester United supporter – he frequently joked that local rivals Manchester City should be “EXTERMINATED!” which was hilarious. In the end though, I had to ask him to lower his voice. He is very loud when he gets excited and I know that’s just part of his Kaled culture, but as I told him,

“You’re not on Skaro now and you’re not in America either – so keep the volume down!”.

Davros couldn’t guess my star sign and was amazed to hear that I am an Aries! He was very pleased and couldn’t wait to point out that as a Sagittarius his sign is compatible with mine. Sometimes I could see quite a twinkle in his cybernetic eye.

Of course, Davros also has a serious side and I have to admit, we did discover some huge areas of difference. Politically we are poles apart – I’m a “bleeding-heart liberal”, whereas Davros wants to control the entire Universe by wiping out any race, or individual, who stands in his way. He is a science geek and can hold forth on many areas of science, especially genetic engineering and biological warfare. In contrast, I got a “C” in my Biology ‘O’ Level and used to be an active member of the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament. We still had a lovely chat though.

In the end, Davros and I decided to be “just friends”. He was much nicer than I expected and much more charming than you might imagine. If I learned anything from my time with him, it is that you shouldn’t judge somebody until you have actually met them and that just because somebody is Supreme Overlord of the Daleks, it doesn’t automatically make them a bad person.

(Picture from Daleklinks)

Watching The Dating Channels

A couple of Brandon’s friends stayed over on his birthday, so yesterday morning (when they had all woken up) I fried up some eggs and bacon, gave them all mugs of tea and put the TV on. We watched a quiz show but after that everything on ordinary TV was boring… So we started watching  Gay Rabbit Chat & Date  and Rabbit Chat & Date  instead.

I find it sad that there are so many lonely people out there – but gawd knows, you can see why some of them are on their own. One guy was the ugliest bloke I’ve ever seen, in make-up and a wig, with eyebrows drawn half-way up his head. His message? “Looking 4 black male” – we all agreed blackmail was more on the cards. Then there was the “str8 guy” who wanted to date a transvestite. Maybe I’m old-fashioned but my definition of  “str8” doesn’t include men who have sex with men in dresses. Lots of very pretty young boys wanted to date men who were “up to 80″… How broad-minded of them!

On non-gay Rabbit, there were two men (looking for “laydeez” ) in sunglasses and reflective safety jackets – They had obviously decided to take their dating profile pictures whilst emptying dustbins, (or completing their court ordered Community Service). Lots of women seem to have gone for “sexy” and totally forgotten about “dignified” in their pictures. As ever, the fatter the women, the more “bubbly” they claimed to be. Far too many people were “LUKIN” for love. Aaaarrrrgh. And the ages… If the ages on EITHER of the dating channels are to be believed, some people have clearly had a lot of worry in their lives.

The biggest hit of the morning though was this message (no picture),

I AM DAVROS, LEADER OF THE DALEKS. I HAVE FAILED IN MY MISSION. I HAVE FAILED. I MUST BE EXTERMINATED. PLEASE EXTERMINATE ME! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

Hahaha!

Brandon’s friend Ben (who seems to be str8) said the biggest turn off about the parade of mingers on both channels was their “terrible English”. I’m glad to see that the kids Brandon hangs out with aren’t shallow and ARE geeky. I think the most childish person watching was probably me.

 Now, I have to go, sorry. Don’t tell Dave but I have a date with a Dalek.

What On Earth Is Brandon Doing To This Cat?

Today is Brandon’s birthday! My baby son is fifteen today… How time flies. To celebrate, I’m posting a few pictures:

My hopes for his future –

Perhaps Brandon will become a proctologist

My memories of taking him to see Father Christmas –

He knows if you've been bad or good

How he sees himself –

Brandon owns this t-shirt in real life

And his love of animals –

Zuul has decided not to press charges

Just a magical glimpse there, into the joy of Motherhood and the wonderful task of bringing up Brandon. May he live long and prosper!

The Part Of My Body Most Likely To Make Me A Fortune

On more than a couple of occasions my nipples have been described as “perfect”, which is pretty hot when you think about it – although admittedly one of the people saying that was a midwife. A male school teacher once told me that my hands were the prettiest he had ever seen (at the time I didn’t understand how inappropriate that was), which was flattering. And my legs… Well, they’re shot now but they used to be dreadfully long and sexy, as everyone pointed out. 

So which part of my body has always been the most likely to earn me a fortune? Let me show you: 

Spreading them for the boys

That’s right, my FEET. Some people cannot get enough of foot fetish porn and by “some” I mean MILLIONS. I reckon I’m standing on a fortune with these babies and their extraordinary flexibility. If I filmed myself wiggling them in a cream cake, I’d be selling the DVDs and buying a MANSION with the profits. I once posted my toe-spreading ability on YouTube and was invited to London for a photographic encounter, of the porn magazine kind.  I didn’t go, which is why I am still alive and not buried under a rapist’s patio. 

Not everyone finds my feet sexy though (I know that is hard to believe). One person replied to my YouTube video “What r u some kind of ape?” – a hurtful remark that I shall never quite  recover from. Also my boyfriend says things like, 

“JESUS CHRIST, will you cover your disgusting feet up! I feel sick!” which I can’t help interpreting as somewhat negative

So anyway, I strongly believe my feet are my fortune and if the current recession continues, I shall have to cash in on their incredible powers of seduction. Not in the flesh, obviously, just a few tasteful photographs and some arty films. I know a lot of people might JUDGE me and say it isn’t right but then again, keeping such glorious assets under wraps could be seen as selfish, couldn’t it?

10 Things I Think I Know About Canadians and Canada

As you all know, I am England’s biggest expert on Americans and America. I am. So isn’t it strange that I’m virtually clueless about Canada? This, to me, would indicate that Canadians need to try harder with promoting their country. In order to demonstrate to them how much harder they need to try, I am going to list ten things I know about Canadians and Canada, off the top of my head. I won’t Google, I won’t cheat in any way… Let’s go:

1) Canadians sell chocolate at the airport. I know this because we stopped at a Canadian airport once (for an hour) on the way to America – and I bought some chocolate.

2) Canadians have guns. But unlike Americans they never shoot anyone.

3) Canadians never lock their doors. I think I’m getting these ideas from Michael Moore.

4) Canadians like Ice Hockey. So do I! But here in the UK, that makes me a freak.

5) Alanis Morissette is Canadian. She probably thinks that is somehow “ironic”.

6) It snows in Canada. But that’s OK, because Canadians are prepared for snow. I feel guilty because this list is making Canadians sound a bit boring. I’m sure they are just “differently interesting” really.

7) Canadians usually have a moose head on the wall. See? Not boring.

8) Canadians say “aboot”. But other than that they just sound like Americans with the volume turned down.

9) Canadians eat “poutine”. I have no idea what it is though. I’m not going to Google it, I’ve come this far without cheating. Most national dishes are famous for more than just the name! Why don’t I know what this is?

10) Canadians want to be British (yay!) or French (boo!). Basically they’re happy to be seen as anything other than American. Or Canadian.

And that’s just aboot all I know aboot Canada and Canadians. Oh wait, I know Mounties “always get their man”. Whatever.

CANADIANS: I’ve met some of you and I love you but MAKE YOUR DAMN MARK! Don’t let America leave you to play the part that New Zealand plays, to the mouthy Australians. Don’t be the same as Belgium is, compared to France. Let’s take the “O” out of “O Canada” and replace it with a “Hell YEAH!”.

Twilight Cat

Actually, as vampires go, Zuul looks a lot more like good old-fashioned Dracula.