Tag Archives: lists

The Type Of Person I Hate

The art teacher who draws on your picture. WTF does this person think he (or she) is doing? YES the legs are too short, NO cows don’t have the same tails as horses…  But tell me with WORDS, indicate with your finger, Most of all DO NOT DRAW ON MY PICTURE. Nobody should draw on somebody else’s picture. Even Simon Cowell wouldn’t draw on somebody else’s picture. I hate that sort of art teacher.

The person who chats with you but doesn’t listen – and then enquires about something that you’ve already explained. “Is your brother going to be there?”, YES you ignorant f*ck, I told you about two minutes ago that he is driving up with his family to be there. You’re not old, you’re not deaf and you don’t have special needs… You’re just so RUDE and SELFISH that as far as you are concerned, my words are mere punctuations, rests if you will, between your own verbal spewing. In other words, you’re not listening.

The person who dumps you romantically and then says “But we can still be friends, right?” Oh yeah, OF COURSE we can. I mean, OK, you’ve just reached into my chest, torn out my heart and spat on it… But I’d still like to hang out. Hell, I hope I’m hanging out with you when you meet someone better than me, someone you can REALLY love, it will give me something to live up to! Oh please. The only way I can be friends with an Ex who dumped me, is if five years of no contact have passed (and I’m over him), or if he has been mangled in a horrible farm-machinery accident, (which would possibly dredge  up some pity in me).

The person who tries to be “wacky” or “zany” because they cannot face how boring they are. Anyone who says “everyone at work thinks I am just CRAZY! They never know what I’m going to do next!” Should eat shit and die. I swear, that person isn’t “fun”, they are the most loathed and avoided person in the building. People who are mad don’t know it – so if you’re going around saying “I’m mad!”, what you probably mean is “I want to be funny but I’m not”. And laughing loudly in a stupid way doesn’t make you interesting either, which is why I stopped meeting Jane for coffee and started pretending that I was dead when she called.

The sort of person who says “I never watch TV”. Not people who just haven’t got time, or the money for a TV, but the person who uses this as a way to prove how CLEVER they are. Refusing to watch TV doesn’t make you any brighter than someone who refuses to read books (there are some rubbish ones in Waterstones you know), or someone who refuses to go to the cinema (because they once saw “Joe vs The Volcano”). TV is like everything else, you have to exercise some taste and frankly if you’d rather miss all the GOOD things on TV than do that, I think you’re rather stupid.

The person who says “I speak my mind”. OK, I know, I’ve just spent far too much of your time speaking my mind… But c’mon, you know the sort of person I mean. I hate it when people pretend that being insensitive is a virtue, especially if that same person gets all moody when they get some back. There is a pretty thick line between being “honest” and being “cruel” and people who decide to “speak their minds” usually know full well that they are crossing it, in big stomping boots. What they really mean is “I’m a verbal bully, with no social skills”. Or in the case of the UK “I’m from Yorkshire”.

I actually hate more people than this but I’ve said enough for one day. Who do you hate?

Ten Ways To Annoy Your Cat

Unlike dogs, (who are stupid, loyal and think everything is BRILLIANT), cats are highly-strung, selfish and supercilious. They take advantage of us and are never grateful – often spending time at a neighbour’s house, to get extra treats… So how can we get even?

Ten Ways To Annoy Your Cat

1) Discuss your cat loudly (while the cat is in the room). Repeatedly say the cat’s name and occasionally laugh. The cat will eventually look paranoid, with flat ears and shifty eyes. Job done.

2) Keep opening cans of peaches, peas, anything that isn’t cat food. The cat will greedily run to the kitchen and then look miffed. Hilarious.

3) Dress your cat up. Baby clothes are good fun, or maybe just a big, silly bow. The cat will try to  hide under the bed, in shame. Take pictures.

4) Copy your cat’s movements, when it is washing. The cat will gradually catch on, until it sits motionless, tongue half out, staring at you in angry disgust. Have fun with this idea but don’t accidentally lick your genitals, or the cat wins.

5) Whistle, in long, low, mournful notes and sit still. The cat will look confused, revolve its ears a bit and then come and try to put its head in your mouth. Stop until it goes away and then start again. Repeat until you get bored.

6) Fuss over a cuddly toy, while your cat is watching. Stroke the toy and tell it how wonderful it is, whilst completely ignoring your cat. The cat will come over and try to get your attention, finally flopping down in a jealous sulk. Leave them to fight it out.

7) Play a game called “It’s Raining”, whenever your cat finds you in the bath, or with your hands in water. The cat will get wet and angry. Pretend to be sympathetic about the unexpected weather.

8) Speak to the cat, in its own “language”, remembering to make it the most grotesque parody possible. The cat will be embarrassed and confused. With luck, you might even miaow something offensive.

9) Keep turning your head suddenly and staring at your cat intently. The cat will feel incredibly insecure and flooded with adrenaline. Priceless.

10) Post about your cat on the internet. The cat will mourn the loss of both privacy and dignity… Well, mine do anyway.

10 Random Facts About Cockneys

1) To be a proper Cockney, you must have been born in London, within earshot of the Bow Bells.

2) A good old Cockney way of donating money to charity, is via the  Pearly Kings and Queens.

3) Cockneys speak using the increasingly well-known “Rhyming Slang” and also use other unusual phrases, some of which I have translated (for Americans) HERE.

4) Cockneys eat many delicious traditional foods (they might call it “luvverly grub”), such as “Bangers and Mash”, “Tripe and Onions”, “Steak and Kidney Pie”, “Pie Mash and Liquor (gravy)”, “Jellied Eels”, “Winkles” and, of course, “Fish and Chips”.

5) In the Old Days, Cockneys would be too poor to go on a real holiday – so instead they would go Hop Picking, in Kent. Hops are used to make beer and Londoners loved working in the fields for the Summer, staying in huts and drawing a small wage. Their kids got plenty of fresh air too, away from “The Smoke”. See this short film on YouTube.

6) When it comes to having fun, Cockneys like nothing better than a good old Knees up. Which is pretty much a session of drunken dancing.

7) Back in the 1950s and 1960s, the East End of London, (where Cockneys live) was run by gangsters such as The Kray Twins.

8) Performers Chas & Dave are famous for their slightly more modern take on Cockney style music, which they (rather distressingly, to my mind) call “Rockney”.

9) Cockneys are often called “chirpy” because of their irrepressible sense of humour, in the face of poverty and hardship.

10) Because the Cockney accent sounds cool and hard, actors (or posh kids) often try to copy it. This is normally a mistake, as it is very difficult to imitate and accidentally coming out with a “Mockney” accent is shameful.

12 Annoying Things That Mothers Do

1) Remarking on your weight: Any weight you are is wrong, according to your Mum. You’re either fat, or anorexic. Sometimes you are heading for osteoporosis if you don’t have some cheese. Sometimes eating cheese will mean you are going to have a heart-attack, just like your Grandad did.

2) Flirting with your male friends: Your Mum is keen to know that she has still got it going on and your friends like to encourage her – either because she is a MILF, or because you are horrified. Or both.

3) Serving up the food you love, so often that you start to hate it: I don’t need to elaborate, do I?

4) Phoning you at the worst possible time: The last episode of a twenty-six part mystery series has just begun, OR you are a minute from the biggest orgasm of your life, OR you’re half way through getting a soufflet out of the oven, OR you’re explaining why you want a divorce to your other half… Good old Mum is certain to choose this moment to phone you. And it will be for a reason so trivial and long-winded that you’ll consider becoming a serial killer.

5) Telling you the same thing, over and over again:  If she isn’t doing that yet, give it a few years.

6) Showing people your baby photos: But not in a nice way. “Look how FAT he is there, he’s like a little Buddha!”. “Look at the lovely thick hair she had, when she was little… You wouldn’t imagine that from the way it looks now!”.

7) Telling people embarrassing things about you:  “She used to wet the bed, until her periods started and then she just stopped, isn’t that strange?”. Why the f*ck would the postman need to know that?

8) Giving you too much information, about herself: “I had really bad constipation yesterday. It got stuck half in and half out – I was on the toilet for an hour!”. Thanks Mum.

9) Buying you hideous clothes: “It’s nice and colourful, I don’t know why you always insist on wearing black”. Then she hands you a garment that would make Stevie Wonder shield his eyes, in horror. And you’re expected to wear it.

10) Bitching about your other half: Nobody is ever going to be good enough for you (according to your Mother)- even though you’ve always been a bit shit yourself (according to your Mother).

11) Making you feel like a failure (no matter how well you’ve done): ” Your Father and I are so pleased that you’ve got the Nobel Peace Prize. Obviously it isn’t like getting a proper one, you know, like for Science, or Literature. But it is still good, we aren’t disappointed at all.”

12) Adding you on Facebook: Time to move on.

For Americans: 40 Random Facts About The UK

1) People in the UK drink tea with milk.

2) When British people say “biscuits”, they are talking about what Americans call “cookies”.

3) Most British people under the age of 25 wouldn’t  recognise Benny Hill, if they were shown a picture.

4) London is not the only city in the UK.

5) “Pea-Soupers” and other forms of heavy London smog, were ended by the Clean Air Act of 1956.

6) Jack the Rippper is now presumed to be dead.

7) Princess Diana is definitely dead.

8) British people come in a wide range of ethnicities.

9) “Hogwarts” is not a real school.

10) If you ask for a packet of “rubbers” in the UK, you will get a packet of “erasers”.

11) Not everybody in the UK has met the Queen.

12) Beer is served at room temperature, in British “pubs”.

13) “Are You Being Served?” hasn’t been shown on British TV (apart from as a novelty) since 1985.

14) Cats, in the UK, are normally allowed outside.

15) Jesus is not as popular in the UK as He is in the USA.

16) It is impossible for an American to successfully imitate the Cockney accent.

17) Levi jeans are popular in the UK and are available in many shops.

18) British policemen are also known as “Bobbies”, “Coppers”, “Dibbles”, “The Sweeney” and (among criminals) “The Filth”.

19) “Pissed” in the UK means “drunk”.

20) Illegitimacy is more popular in the UK than it is in the USA.

21) Charlie Chaplin and Stan Laurel were both born in England. Johnny Depp wasn’t.

22) Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character.

23) Most Brits are bemused by the idea of “flossing”.

24) The British national dish is called “Curry”.

25) Despite rumours to the contrary, British people measure their journeys in Miles.

26) Some buildings in the UK were erected more than 200 years ago.

27) Most women in the UK would regard being called a “bitch” as a compliment.

28) British people correctly insert the letter U into many words.

29) Being softly spoken is regarded as “normal” in Britain.

30) The word “Soccer” is regarded with suspicion by Brits, who prefer to use the proper name for Football.

31) British people love to queue and businesses happily respond to that, by not providing enough check-outs, or Customer Service desks. Or Ladies toilets.

32) Brits use the word “Toilets” as if it wasn’t offensive – even though they could say “Rest Rooms”, or “Bathrooms”.

33) Tony Blair is no longer the British Prime Minister.

34) “Tipping” is a very unpopular concept in the UK and should be done rarely and begrudgingly, at no more than 10%.

35) The Underground is a complex railway system, running through tunnels, under London. Remember to mind the gap.

36) Brits tend to regard “Doctor Who” as being aimed at children.

37) Big Ben is not the name of the giant clock in London but the name of the bell inside it.

38) In the UK, “chips” are chunky batons of potato fried in oil – not thin slices of cooked potato (we call those “crisps”).

39) Buckingham Palace is much bigger in your head than it is in Real Life.

40) Kindly people in the UK will always give you directions but only if you learn to pronounce place names properly.

How To Be Attractive To Women

These tips are about making yourself more attractive to women (if you are a man). Men are awesome but most straight men are considerably less awesome without the backing of a good woman. You need to attract a woman before you can win her over – so let’s crack on, with the tips, shall we?

1) Women don’t care what you look like. They don’t. They care how you dress and present yourself but they won’t even notice that you are short, fat, bald, skinny, lanky, wearing glasses etc… If you follow my other tips. I mean, they won’t in 90% of cases, the other 10% are shallow bitches that don’t deserve you. This is a tip because just knowing it makes you more attractive.

2) Smell nice. Unless you’ve just rescued them from a fire, or you are sweating in the gym, women prefer you to be clean. Undies are washable BTW. And so are socks.

3) Wear black. It really IS that simple. Black is sexy, badass and flattering. Everybody looks better in black. And leather. Black leather. A nice full-length black leather coat is going to make you wonder where all the girls came from. Black leather trousers, however, will make you wonder where all the men came from, so give them a miss.

4) Have an arrogant posture. Really. Head up, slight swagger, exuding your (possibly fake, it doesn’t matter) confidence from every pore. Confidence is sexy. You know now that your minor physical defects don’t matter, you smell divine, you’re dressed like Neo – frankly, we’re only up to #4 and you’re already a sex GOD. Is it hot in here?

5) Manners. Have some. Then have some more. Manners are sexy.

6) Be realistic. This is going to sound harsh but not every man can date a nymphomaniac Swedish model. The wider you throw your net, the more chance you’ll have of getting a date. Give the girls with “good personalities” a chance… At the very least they’ll be practice.

7) Get a dog. Buy, borrow or steal a dog. Chicks like dogs (especially puppies). You’ll look more approachable with a dog and more lovable by association. Oh, avoid dogs that stick their heads up women’s skirts, that isn’t going to be conducive to you doing the same later.

8) Pretend you are healthy. I know you’re not. Single guys never are. I’ve never ever read a blog entry by a single man that didn’t mention at least one of his many and varied minor ailments. When you go out, dose yourself up and forget the whining. She’ll play nurse when she’s in love with you but most women aren’t actively seeking a sick man.

9) Don’t stare at women’s tits. Very important. Don’t. It is a common mistake and horribly creepy. I know you’d love a woman to gaze longingly at your dick but trust me, it isn’t the same. Practice looking cool instead, if you ignore her “assets” she might be miffed and find excuses to shove them in your face, or rub them against your arm. Wouldn’t that be more fun than furtively mumbling replies to them as she talks?

10) Talk first. You may as well and she’ll love you for it. Ask for the time, ask if you are in the right building… Asking is good, it’s an excuse to talk and it makes you seem kinda vulnerable (despite your new found sexy coolness). Don’t use a cheesy chat-up line though. Ugh.

11) Listen. Guess what my favourite subject is? Me. I know it’s a shame but it’s true. Now that you are talking, I think you should discuss her. If she DOES ask about you, be vague, keep your mystery and be brief. Never admit to being a LARPer, for instance. If you are witty you’re probably getting laid already…  If you’re not, I’m afraid quoting huge chunks of Monty Python or The Office is not the same thing. Ask her about herself, pay attention and nod.

12) Learn to play the saxophone. That isn’t a euphemism, I really mean it. Possibly the best tip of all. Saxophones are totally sexy. If you are not musical, you might want to show her your scars instead. All men have scars and girls love scars. But stick to the accidental ones.

Buying A Gift For The Woman you Love

Are you a man? Do you want to buy a gift for the woman you love – but you lack confidence in your judgement? You’ve come to the right place. I don’t want to list the pros and cons of every possible gift on the planet, so instead here are a some pertinent questions you should ask yourself before purchasing anything for her – PLUS some suggestions for gift ideas.

Your gift idea:

Is it something she has specifically asked you to get her?  Yes? Buy it then! Only a man could come here looking for better ideas than getting the “little lady” what she bloody asked for. Anything I say about gifts from this point onward is irrelevant if she has ASKED for the thing in question.

Is it something you could/would buy for a man?  Don’t buy it for the poor girl then! She is beautiful, desirable, the Queen of your Heart… Her gift should be pretty, feminine and flirty – not a surround sound system that you probably want for yourself. If you want to get her a car though, you can do that! But make it a pink one, or something.

Is it “practical”?  Buying a practical gift for a woman you are supposed to love is a bit like slapping her on the back and suggesting she joins you in a farting contest. In other words, it’s unromantic. Calendars, cruet sets, socks, household appliances – they are all like the kiss of death to love. I married a man who bought me that kind of shit and then I ran off with someone else. See?

Is it traditionally romantic?  By this I mean, is your gift going to be chocolates, flowers, diamonds, a trip to Paris or a fabulous designer handbag? If so, buy away with confidence. Women love gifts that show everyone how much you love them. “He bought me a huge bouquet!” she will tell her friends, “He bought me diamond earrings!” – and you will be the Hero in her personal Chick Flick. Somehow “He bought me a watering can” doesn’t quite compete – even if it is a really expensive one.

Is it personally romantic?  A personally romantic gift is another wonderful idea, that she can enjoy and boast about. My current boyfriend once gave me a framed strip cartoon, that he had drawn himself, telling (in a very sweet and funny way) the story of our love. Right about now any woman reading this will know exactly WHY I ran off with him. Guys, think about your woman and what makes her sigh wistfully and gaze into your eyes. A song? A film? A place? Now buy something to do with that.

Is it connected to sex? If, however, your gift idea is connected to sex in some way (an outfit, sex toys, chocolate body paint) think again. I mean, those would be perfectly good things to buy out of the blue, or possibly for a shared Anniversary… But if you are buying a gift for her Birthday or Christmas, you really should be choosing something specifically for HER and not something that slyly gets you off as a side effect. She isn’t an idiot.

Is it unique? Gifts that are hand-made are very romantic. There are so many struggling artists out there, making beautiful things to buy, and often their wares are very affordable. Choose something pretty and wrap it in tissue and ribbons – What girl could resist? Bear in mind that nothing you can buy from a garage (gas station) forecourt falls into this category.

Does it insult her?  Strange as it may seem, men often buy women gifts that insult them! She doesn’t want clothes in the wrong size (so embarrassing to admit) and clothes that fitted perfectly would be a bit creepy (or is that just me?). She doesn’t want bath products (boring, plus, she doesn’t smell of sweat) and she doesn’t want wrinkle cream. She might like a trip to a Spa but she doesn’t want a coupon for liposuction, or gym membership.  Seriously, diamonds are a better bet.

Well, I hope all that has helped. Feel free to ask questions, or add comments… I’m always open to dialogue.

Guide For Americans Visiting The UK

Blogmella’s Survival Guide For Americans Visiting The UK.

1) Start every complaint with the words “I’m really sorry”. This isn’t America, no one gives a SH*T if you are happy with the service or not. Our employees don’t have group hugs, pep talks, brainwashing sessions or sticker-charts to encourage them to be nice to the customers. On the plus side, very few of them expect much in the way of tips. If something goes wrong, like your dinner is cold or your toilet doesn’t flush… You need to say something like, “I’m really sorry but I think my dinner might be a bit too cold to eat”, or “I’m really sorry, I might not be pushing the handle properly, because I’m American and we have different toilets there, but the toilet in my room doesn’t seem to flush”. That way you might get some help. Trying to be “assertive”, shouting about your “rights” or demanding “service” will get you sneered at and your food spat in. BTW, this doesn’t just apply to Americans, this applies to EVERYONE, even Brits. This isn’t prejudice, it’s the way we DO things.

2) Look very carefully before you cross the road on foot. Drivers here do not slow down a bit and wave at you to cross (like they did for me in Seattle and Florida)…They speed up and sometimes even SWERVE here, in order to hit you. No driver in London will cut you ANY slack at all. Even if you have a walking-stick. Also, you’ll be confused because we drive on the CORRECT side of the road.

3) To be polite to OUR standards, try to say “Thank you” at least six times during any purchase.
The shop-keeper says “Can I help you?”
You hand him the item you wish to purchase and say “Thank you”.
He asks if you are paying cash, “Oh, yes, thank you”.
He hands you your change and you say “Thank you”.
He asks if you want the item in a bag, you say “Yes, thank you”.
He hands you the bagged item and you say “Thank you”.
You start to leave and he says “Bye!” ………To which you reply, “Bye! Thank you!”.

4) When you order, or ask for anything, say “Please” I was stunned in America that people ask for things and don’t say “Please” every time. It will help you to glean what little service you CAN get in London if you at least TRY to ask politely. I know some areas in America say “Please” more than others, because I’ve written about this before, but I’m telling the people who don’t, OK?

5) Don’t make a fuss. If a British person saw an elephant walking along the path towards them they would say “Oh look, an elephant…There must be a circus near here, or something.” Americans would go, “OH. MY. GOD. LOOK! LOOK! AN ELEPHANT!!! ISN’T HE ADORABLE?! GET MY CAMERA!! IS IT REAL?! AREN’T THEY FROM AFRICA?! DO THEY HAVE THOSE HERE?! MAYBE IT’S WILD…THEY HAVE HEDGEHOGS!!! etc. etc.” That’s really annoying to the British.

6) Don’t tell everybody you meet what you think of them within the first 10 minutes. British people don’t want to know how they are perceived, even if it is good news. Americans have a habit of saying “Oh my, you’re funny!”, or “You two make an ADORABLE couple!” or “Hey, you know what? You’re really clever!”, which makes us SQUIRM. Keep it to yourself, until you’ve known us for ages and until we are at least a bit DRUNK.

7) Practice drinking warm beer and eating small portions of food. You know it makes sense. And practice paying twice as much for it. I’d love to change the whole of the UK for you but it might be easier for you to lower your standards and then halve the result. That will be what you’re served.

8) Learn to say AND more often. “Go AND get”, “Go AND buy”, “Go AND eat”…I LOVE the American accent but leaving out all the ANDS is just annoying.

9) Turn the volume down. On your voice.

10) Feel the love. Brits are sarcastic, dry and often insult people, just to show them how much they like them. Before you get all offended, try grinning first and see if the British person laughs with you. They probably will. If not, feel free to create a scene, it’s not like you’ll get shot or anything (we don’t have guns).

The Skills Of Motherhood

I wrote this a long time ago, in another place… The 25 Skills Every Mother Needs:

1) Lying convincingly: An absolute MUST, this skill has multiple applications, from protecting your child’s innocence ( “Mummy was helping Daddy to mend the zip on his trousers”) to just getting your own way without a fuss (“All toy shops close at two o’clock, it’s the law”).

2) Doing homework in a way that sounds like a really clever child: God bless computers, now at least you don’t have to do the handwriting to match.

3) Changing a pooey nappy (diaper) anywhere: On a bus, at the opera, in a supermarket …Always carry the equipment and an absolute conviction that you are allowed to “do that here”. Develop speed.

4) Psychiatry: It’s really important to listen to your child and to help them to see that most worries have a practical solution. Don’t blow off their concerns but don’t make the child a wuss either… For instance, a bullied child doesn’t need lessons in self-esteem as much as they need lessons in boxing. Or running.

5) Medical Diagnosis/Care: This takes experience (it helps if you are a hypochondriac, or a medical professional). Actually, asking your own Mother for help/advice is good. It might be her one chance to be something other than an interfering old bag.

6) Making home-made Play-Doh: Google the recipe.

7) Having a silent orgasm: Nobody wants the kids to wake up in time to damage themselves mentally forever AND to watch the clean-up operation that nobody does in films. Convey your pleasure by pulling a series of grateful faces and grabbing the sheets with your fists.

8) Opening your bowels, wiping your bottom, washing your hands and being out of the bathroom in 30 seconds: Another “must learn” skill…Unless you want your child to watch you crapping, or to be out there setting fire to the cat.

9) Effective bribery: Know what they want and use this skill sparingly for best effect.

10) Talking in riddles (to other adults): Nothing is more fun than talking “over your child’s head”. Make eye contact with the other adult and use the most surreal method of telling them stuff you don’t want your kid to know.

11) Reading stories whilst secretly leaving out half the pages: Bedtimes would be so much later without it but bright kids do tend to catch on. “There once was a very hungry caterpillar, who turned into a beautiful butterfly. The end.”.

12) Checking the history of your child’s internet usage: Someone has to do it but be prepared to be shocked. My child had been watching a short art movie called “Hardcore Detention” for instance. Hmmm.

13) Teaching the facts of life, whilst not spoiling your child’s image of you as being a virgin: “How did you get ME then? By doing THAT with Daddy?!”…”No darling, I bought you in a shop and frankly I wish I gone for a more expensive baby now.” Is what I said.

14) Eating half chewed/sucked sweets (candy): Men can’t do it. Thing is, toddlers decide they don’t want to finish whatever is in their mouths at the most inopportune moments and you don’t always have a tissue.

15) Making vegetables seem like a treat: “Leave those if you like, Mummy wants to eat them anyway”.

16) Reading stories in various accents and voices: Kids don’t know your accents are crap and never be afraid to change what they say either. I’ve almost made my kids VOMIT with laughter by making lovely little characters, um, less polite than normal.

17) Not laughing when your child is being naughty in a really funny way: I can’t do this.

18) Humiliating your child in front of his/her friends: I’m brilliant at this though.

19) Making sure your teenage child has condoms, whilst simultaneously conveying that you don’t want them to have sex: “There are condoms in this drawer for anyone who needs them. I haven’t counted them either” and then FROWN.

20) Giving praise without adding some pressure: DO say “This painting is wonderful!” DON’T add “If you really practice you might be a famous artist! I could have done that but I was TOO LAZY!”.

21) Cleaning your child with spit: And a hankie.

22) Learning about/watching popular kids’ TV shows: Helps you to communicate with your child. Also, you’ll thank yourself if later in life you get a boyfriend 20+ years younger than you, as it means you can chat to him about them too.

23) Choosing, buying and wrapping a present, plus choosing a card AND getting a child to write it, all in transit to another child’s party, located 15 mins from your house: Need I say more. I’m afraid I have had a LOT of practice at this.

24) Being the Tooth Fairy and Father Christmas: Awww. It isn’t hard.

25) Dealing with tantrums: Walk away and don’t look back. They’ll soon come running. Or refer to number 9).

Eight Sex Fetishes I Won’t Be Trying

1) Scat: No, not singing nonsense in a Jazz club – I mean “scat” as in Coprophilia. Now, I’m open to new experiences and (even more useful in this context) I have no sense of smell, but I still won’t be trying this fetish.  Smearing the bedroom/myself/my lover in number twos, is not my idea of sexy (or romantic). Sticky, ugly and full of germs, human poo should either be up someone’s bottom, or down someone’s toilet. Followed by bleach. In my view the only person who should enjoy playing with poo is Christopher Robin (a joke that is funnier said aloud – try it). Never, NEVER, Google “scat” in Images, with “SafeSearch” off.

2) Water Sports: Imagine “scat” but with wee. My objections against this fetish are much the same as those against scat – but the Christopher Robin joke becomes less funny and more disturbing.

3) Bondage: Many people love to be tied up for sex but I’m not so sure. What if I get an itch? The moment I get tied up I will start worrying about getting an itch and that will make it happen, I know it. And I have the World’s smallest nostrils, so I can’t be gagged. If I tie my boyfriend up, it means I will have to do all the work during sex and that seems a little unfair – I already do all of the housework in here. So no bondage for me, unless he wants to tie me up and do a bit of Hoovering.

4) Spanking/ BDSM: I love sex, I really, really do. But at no point during an energetic bout of sex have I stopped and thought “You know what would make this more fun? Nipple clamps!”. Honestly, WTF? Pleasure and pain are linked, I know, but I’d still rather concentrate on the pleasure. I don’t even like it when my partner accidentally leans on my hair and pulls it. I’m like “OW! That hurt, you idiot!”, which isn’t at all sexy. Getting spanked before sex would annoy me, because it is illogical to be spanked for being “naughty” and then do something naughty. Getting spanked after sex would be a waste of time. And dangerous, because I’d be smoking.

5) Erotic asphyxiation: Basically means being strangled during sex. This is supposed to make orgasms more intense and stronger. Maybe I’m doing sex wrong but I don’t think I’d like my orgasms to be any more powerful than they are now – my head might explode. Added to that is the consideration that my boyfriend (who normally has a very good memory and observational skills) might be so distracted by his own orgasm that he forgets to stop strangling me, before I die. Being “out of breath” after sex = good, but being “blue in the face” = bad.

6) Splosh: This fetish is a definite no-no for me, because it is basically about wasting food, which is just wrong. Also, one of the great things about sex is that it is non-fattening, so why does some idiot have to come along and suggest  involving cake? Like all other fetishes that involve smearing yourself/others in something – it is just too messy. Ugh. And too much hard work, unless you have a broad-minded cleaning lady. Finally, think of chocolate gateaux… How on Earth could something as delicious as that be improved by adding the taste of genitals?

7) Foot/Shoe Fetish: I once put a video of my feet on YouTube, because I have an amazing ability to spread my toes very wide. One of the comments said “What r u some kind of ape?”, which was funny, but I also got offers to feature in foot porn. I didn’t take them up on it. I really can’t see anything sexy about feet and much as I admire my boyfriend’s boots and trainers, they’re hardly the stuff of wild erotic fantasy. As for me – I’m not the sort of woman who wears “bedroom shoes”, I’m more the sort of woman who wear flip-flops for seven months of the year and trainers for the other five. Also, I have the hairy toes of a Hobbit.

8) Ageplay: I am 22 years older than my beloved, so “pretending” that I am older than him would be redundant. I prefer “forgetting” about it  in the bedroom, if possible, and so does he.  On the other hand, I don’t think I can forget it for long enough to call him “Daddy” without bursting into laughter. In fact, whatever our ages were, I couldn’t imagine using that word in a sexual context… My Dad was a grumpy old git, not Keanu Reeves.

So, I guess I’m like ice-cream – just naturally Vanilla. There are other sexual things I won’t try as well, but I’ll save them for another time. If you’re good.