Tag Archives: love

Manipulative People

One thing that makes me very tired, as I grow older, is dealing with manipulative people. When I was young I bought into all their bullshit and took their feelings to heart, even as they coldly refused to consider mine. I had a habit of romanticizing people in my head, so I tended to put a positive spin on lots of negative behaviours that people displayed… Or rather I listened to the positive spin that THEY put on being cruel, or thoughtless. I’m still not immune to all the techniques that people use to get their own way but now I quite often SEEM to be getting sucked-in, whilst really I’m just monitoring the situation and deciding how long I’m going to let it go on for.

 Here are some translations of the games people play, and the things they say, when they want you to let them get away with being inconsiderate to you:

“I’m very hard to get close to… But you’re special, I trust you.” = “You’re SO lucky that you get to listen to everything I want to say. That’s quite a privilege, so don’t blow it by saying anything I don’t want to hear.”

“I’m honest, I always speak my mind, no matter what people think.” = “I’m rude, suck it up.”

“I have a lot of things to deal with right now but at least I know I have YOU to turn to.” = “Don’t tell me any of your problems, just listen to mine.”

“Sometimes I go into myself and don’t want to talk.” = “Sometimes I have something better to do than talking to you, so don’t expect me to make time for you then.”

“You’re so good to me! You got me the only presents I got this year.” = “Thanks for the presents! See how important it is that you buy me presents!”

I’m not into birthdays and Christmas, I never buy anybody anything.” = “You’re not getting any presents back.”

“You know what I’M like…” = “I’m selfish, suck it up.”

“I never think people really WANT to talk to me… So it’s better if YOU contact ME.” = “You make all the running.”

You get the idea.

Sometimes it IS nice to be warm to someone who seems sad or lonely, whatever the reason. But often the reason they are like that, is that they don’t give a flying f*ck about anyone who isn’t pandering to them… And that means YOU, if you (in the fullness of time) try to ask for a more equal relationship. I’ve “enabled” more bad and selfish behaviour in my time than most people… Mostly because I thought that if you could show someone how good it felt to be on the receiving end of some niceness, they’d automatically want to return the pleasure. When you’ve supported someone for ages, through thick and thin and then they don’t actually care when you need some TLC, it hurts BADLY.

Don’t try to melt someone else’s heart of ice and break your own heart in the process. Lay some rules on them and limit what you will do if they don’t reciprocate.

Are These The Worst Flirting Tips Ever?

I was looking around online (to see what other Wisdom is out there) when I noticed a link to some of the most inane flirting advice I’ve ever seen. Really, I’m sure there are robots that could think of warmer, more flirty banter than this. Ms. Liz H. Kelly has had a book PUBLISHED on the strength of her advice… But if I couldn’t do better than her I’d give up.

So to make myself feel better, I’ve written replies (or my reactions, where replies are too painful to contemplate) to the 10 email flirting questions, that she thinks will help “ignite sparks online”, when sent in response to a potential date’s Profile. Or something. Silly bitch.

Where did you get that fantastic smile?
Cringeworthy and completely unanswerable, in any serious way. What are you supposed to say? “Genetics.” or “I’d just got laid.” spring to mind. This is the sort of approach that lonely, desperate people use, thus making certain that they will still be lonely and desperate tomorrow, and the day after.

What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why?
Mint choc chip. “Why?” WTF? Who (over the age of three) says “why” to that? How the f*ck do I know? Genetics again? Any exchange that starts with this question is going nowhere, faster than courgette soup goes through my bowels. Really, is that the most interesting aspect of my fabulous existence that you can come up with to examine?

What is the most romantic place that you’ve been on a date?
This question is just WRONG. It asks me to cast my mind back to a unique situation, where I was in love with SOMEONE ELSE. Seriously, we haven’t even met yet  and I’m thinking about my old boyfriend already. At least say “…that we could GO on a date together” and make it about the future and about US.

What would you do if we got stuck in a snow storm in the mountains?
“Try to radio for help. Dig a cave in the snow and try to make my rations last. Try to hit the correct balance between maintaining warm blood around my major organs (by resting) and keeping frostbite out of my toes and fingers (by moving). I might write a will or a goodbye note to my loved ones. Are you there? Oh OK, I might kill you and eat you to survive.”

If you were going to take me out for a romantic evening, what would we do?
Something cheap.

What is your favorite thing to do with a partner for fun?
Sex. Or in your case, bowling.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
OK, this question isn’t quite as bad. It doesn’t try to force things by saying “romantic” for a start. It sort of tempts me to say “I’m not sure, remind me where you are again…” though. And then leave them to work out whether I’m planning on visiting them, or planning to put as much distance between us as possible.

How long have you played guitar? (Ask about something in their profile.)
Possibly the LEAST interesting reaction when you find out that someone plays guitar. It would be better to ask what type of music they play, whether they sing too, if they’ve ever performed to an audience…But just “How long have you…” is dull. And DULL. It’s like “I’ll ask you the question that will elicit the shortest answer, that way I won’t have too much to read or remember before we get to f*cking”.

Wow, is that your cute golden retriever? (Compliment something in their photograph.)
My replies would be “NO, it’s my MOTHER!”, or “WTF? How did THAT get in my picture?”.

When are we going to meet to find out whether we would ever want to kiss each other? (Depending on the person, you can sound cute using this one)
Depending on the person. Like depending on whether or not they have special needs. If a woman said this to a man…Meh, he might not care, I mean it opens the door to some possible physicality. But if a man said this to me I’d translate it as, “When am I going to find out if you’re pretty enough to deserve my attention and whether you’ll put out or not.”

Responding to profiles with flirty emails IS a challenge, I’m sure, but the tips that Ms. Kelly has come up with are PAINFUL. They’re like the ANTI-FLIRT. Don’t do it, back away from the keyboard…Heh.

Separated At Birth…

My boyfriend, SoylentDave, asleep.

When Dave is asleep, he doesn’t wear his glasses. Awww, he looks cute in this picture…

But if I eat too much cheese before bed, I have  nightmares that he will turn into…

The elf from the Leerdammer cheese advert

The terrifying ginger elf, in the Leerdammer adverts!

Nooooo! Hold the Leerdammer cheese at supper-time ! Keep the EVIL away from me!

Why “Nice” Guys Don’t Get Dates

If there is one complaint about women I hear over and over, it’s that women are forever being friends with “nice” men but still choosing to sleep with “assholes”. Why on Earth aren’t we jumping into bed with the guys who listen to our problems, ask after our health and “care” about us?

“She only wants me as a friend but she dates guys who treat her badly!” exasperated men cry, “Why is she sleeping with guys who give her the run-around and want her for sex? I LISTEN to her, I UNDERSTAND her, I like her for WHO SHE IS!”.

To them it’s a mystery but to me it’s obvious. Friendship isn’t sexy.

A guy who spends hours cultivating a friendship with a girl, listening to her insecurities and differentiating himself from the rabid pack of sex-hunting monsters that he regards/portrays his fellow men as – then whines because she doesn’t want to sleep with him, is a hypocrite. But she has taken him at his word.

Sorry “Nice Guy”…you’re all after the same thing buddy but he (Nasty Guy) chose giving her something to chase and you chose listening to her problems. Bad luck, he had a better strategy because now she’s shagging him and tomorrow you’ll be hearing how “it’s lunchtime and he still hasn’t phoned”. But see, he didn’t go after HER as much as you do, he was HONEST about his wayward attitude and she LOVED it, he was exciting, a challenge and she’s thinking about how to keep him interested. You on the other hand are trapped in your little sympathy game and, in order to keep it up, you have to be available… So you aren’t going to be chased. You’re just THERE. You lose.

You say that you LISTEN to women, that you UNDERSTAND them,  but how many times have women told you that you are “TOO NICE” to date? What part of “TOO NICE” didn’t you understand? If a strategy isn’t working you have to change it, or suffer the same results over and over.

“But I AM nice!” you cry, “I DO want a girl to be close to, I don’t want to play mind-games!”. I know baby, I know… I want to get slim by eating cheese but it ain’t gonna happen. Mind-games, flirting, being hard to get, looking self-assured etc. are part of a MATING RITUAL. Once she fancies you, you can risk being friends (slowly) but at first you need to be the PRIZE. Friends are a kind of “consolation prize” and that isn’t sexy. No sex.

Oh, I know I’ll get lots of you telling me off and I know that the rules change as time passes and we all get older and wiser (or more desperate). There will be exceptions to the “rule”… Online relationships tend to develop a little differently because the sexual tension is enhanced by not being together, for instance.

But on the whole I’d say my observations are true. “Nice Guys” don’t get dates because they give their attention away for free, because they started off by being dishonest about (or not knowing) what they wanted and because they have seriously dispersed their “mystery” by sharing too much. Then along comes a silent guy with a motor-bike and a few notches on his headboard and the girls are more interested in him… After all, he’s less like another girl.

How To Survive Being Dumped

Being dumped, by somebody you love, is one of the worst feelings in the world. How can you rebuild your life and your self-esteem, after this horrible blow? Fear not, because I have listed below a few positive steps you can take, to help mend your broken heart:

1) Remember the Bad Times. There must have been SOME bad times, like when you had that argument over the price of cat-litter, or when you tried to build an Ikea bedside cabinet together and it ended up being thrown against the wall. You can enjoy fond memories later, when you are mended… Right now you have to concentrate on the uncomfortable, unhappy mess you were often in. And don’t mull over who was to blame either, this isn’t about justice or making amends. This is about remembering their contorted, angry face, or the smell of their drunken vomit, or their rude remarks to your friends. Or just the simple coldness of feeling like they weren’t cuddling you BACK. Re-live the horror of the Bad Times… Spend at least five minutes really LIVING the feelings again, every time you feel that yearning emptiness. Then tell yourself that at least you’ll never have to do THAT again. Not with them anyway. What a relief.

2) Dwell on Your Ex’s Bad Habits. Nobody is perfect, least of all the miserable piece of shit that just dumped you. No longer will you have to endure them nose-picking, throat-clearing, farting, complaining, leaving the lid off the toothpaste, leaving the toilet seat up, blocking the drain with hair – you know the sort of thing. You’re free of the irritations of having them around. Don’t picture your Ex gazing across a candle-lit meal at you… Picture them scratching their ass and looking for the car keys.

3) Avoid Drink and Drugs. Dulling your senses to the pain of separation is a bad idea. Drink eventually makes you maudlin; you’ll become a “victim” in your own eyes. You’ll end up afraid to lose your prop, like you were afraid to lose your lover –  and you’ll prolong the agony too. Do your broken heart “cold-turkey”, face it head on and keep a clear head, because you have to think of the future. You have to see what you just got rid of and enjoy the feeling of your new freedom. Popping pills and gazing at the bottom of another empty glass won’t mend your heart.

4) Do Something to Change Your Life in a Positive Way. Get a new hairstyle, join a club or class, arrange weekends away at friends houses, lose weight, flirt with someone online. FORCE yourself to participate in life. And look GOOD too, nice clothes, clean hair, polished shoes. However crumpled you feel inside, you need to give your ego something to live up to. And should you accidentally bump into your Ex it will be a much better feeling for you if they look like they lost a “hottie”.

5) Refuse to Feed Your Fears. “You’ll never find anyone else” they say, “You’re ugly and fat… Loser”. Don’t listen. People DO find someone else – there are plenty of people out there who can love us, whoever we are. The idea that we all have ONE special person is a wicked and cruel lie. As long as we are prepared to embrace people and be open to connection, there is no reason that we cannot find love again. You feed your fears by saying them aloud “I’ll never find anyone else,” to friends etc… Don’t. If you want someone else you’d be better off saying “know anyone single I can ask out?”. Having said that, don’t rush into another serious relationship, get some space first.

6) Get Rid of Your Ex’s Stuff Quickly. Give it back as soon as possible and get your stuff back too. “Stuff” keeps you connected and you don’t want a connection to someone dumb enough to dump you. If s/he won’t collect it quickly, sell it. And remember all those photos where you look like shit but your Ex looks great? You can tear them up now.

7) Buy a Vibrator Or a Pile of Porn. You’ve got more idea how to make yourself orgasm than your Ex did anyway.

Just in case you ask; You MIGHT be able to be friends with your Ex at some point in the future but you have to stop loving them too much first.

Small Talk Made Easy

Like washing and using the toilet, small talk is a skill you have to master, if you want to make new friends. In fact, if you are making new online friends, you could probably get away with just the small talk. Sadly, small talk is not a skill that comes naturally to some people. In order to give advice on this subject, I have constructed the following (entirely fake) Question & Answer thingy. Enjoy, I hope it helps:

Why should I waste my time on trivial conversation? Because “trivial” means “safe” and safe means you, and the other person (or people) you are talking to, get to develop a positive vibe – with a minimal possibility of falling out. Networking can be great fun and very rewarding, if you keep it light. Small talk “breaks the ice”, and lays the foundations for future relationships.

Should I talk to people who don’t interest me much? Of course! You might join an evening class (for instance) and not really see anyone there that you want to get closer to – That doesn’t mean you should sit in the corner and not talk. By making small talk, you can create a positive aura around yourself, so that you feel “welcome” and get included more. If you miss a week, someone might lend you their notes. If a new person (someone you do want to know better) joins later, they will see how you fit in and feel safe to hang out with you. Which is all much nicer than you being seen as an “outsider” or “loner”. Not every relationship has to be intense.

OK, how can I impress people with my small talk? Woah, stop right there! Unless you are Oscar Wilde, this really is the wrong approach to take. Small talk isn’t about immediately impressing people, it is about making them comfortable around you and open to further interactions. Setting out to impress people too quickly puts pressure on you – which might result in you talking too much, boasting (ugh), or saying something mental.

What can I use as an opening gambit? This is not as tricky as it sounds, because whoever you are talking to is already going to have a massive amount in common with you. Yes, really. You may be fatter, taller, younger, or more interested in Cthulhu than they are – but you are both human. Take advantage of this similarity, by introducing yourself and asking their name. LISTEN to that name, you will need it. Ask them how they got to the venue, how they met the host, Whether they are as nervous as you are (and grin). Human questions, not too taxing on the intellect but warm and friendly. Avoid questions with one word answers (think about what you might ask before leaving home, I do), because you want to get a chance to LISTEN. The most important thing is that you listen to their replies and take an interest.

How can I continue the conversation, if it dries up? Well, some conversations end naturally and you might want to cut and run with an “I guess I should mingle – we must catch up later…”, or something. If you want to carry on interacting though, why not suggest a short break from talking (like “Would you like me to get you a drink?” or “Shall we go up to the buffet?” ) whilst considering another topic. Perhaps you’ve seen a good film lately, or read a good book. Short silences are allowed too – The other person might even say something of their own, if you allow time for that.

Are there any things I should avoid? Yeah, loads! Talking about religion or politics, bitching about other people in the room, complaining about your health – DON’T. Unless you are very relaxed about being funny, don’t try to suddenly become a comedian – that is so painful to watch. Never repeat huge chunks of any kind of TV or cinema script. Don’t get too personal, or go on and on. Small talk, remember?

What if they really don’t seem to like me? If the person you are talking to is clearly bored, or unfriendly, don’t let it upset you too much. Cut and run baby, life is too short to care about people with bad taste. And anyone who doesn’t like you has BAD TASTE, remember that. Confidence is important in everything.

What if no one ever seems to like me? Read through this post again, check your breath and have a good think about the circles you’ve been trying to move in. If you are clean, confident and you don’t bang on for hours about geeky shit, or try to hang out with “A” list celebrities… Maybe you just need more practice. Talk to a couple of strangers every day. Or see a therapist.

How can I improve my small talk? It is really important that you leave the house sometimes, if you want to be interesting. Do things, learn things, be in touch with popular culture. Learn to relax and don’t use drink as a social lubricant (it makes you ugly and boring). Avoid drugs too. Don’t pry but DO take a positive interest in anyone you meet. Watch their reactions, discuss things that make them look happy.

Good hunting!

Buying A Gift For The Woman you Love

Are you a man? Do you want to buy a gift for the woman you love – but you lack confidence in your judgement? You’ve come to the right place. I don’t want to list the pros and cons of every possible gift on the planet, so instead here are a some pertinent questions you should ask yourself before purchasing anything for her – PLUS some suggestions for gift ideas.

Your gift idea:

Is it something she has specifically asked you to get her?  Yes? Buy it then! Only a man could come here looking for better ideas than getting the “little lady” what she bloody asked for. Anything I say about gifts from this point onward is irrelevant if she has ASKED for the thing in question.

Is it something you could/would buy for a man?  Don’t buy it for the poor girl then! She is beautiful, desirable, the Queen of your Heart… Her gift should be pretty, feminine and flirty – not a surround sound system that you probably want for yourself. If you want to get her a car though, you can do that! But make it a pink one, or something.

Is it “practical”?  Buying a practical gift for a woman you are supposed to love is a bit like slapping her on the back and suggesting she joins you in a farting contest. In other words, it’s unromantic. Calendars, cruet sets, socks, household appliances – they are all like the kiss of death to love. I married a man who bought me that kind of shit and then I ran off with someone else. See?

Is it traditionally romantic?  By this I mean, is your gift going to be chocolates, flowers, diamonds, a trip to Paris or a fabulous designer handbag? If so, buy away with confidence. Women love gifts that show everyone how much you love them. “He bought me a huge bouquet!” she will tell her friends, “He bought me diamond earrings!” – and you will be the Hero in her personal Chick Flick. Somehow “He bought me a watering can” doesn’t quite compete – even if it is a really expensive one.

Is it personally romantic?  A personally romantic gift is another wonderful idea, that she can enjoy and boast about. My current boyfriend once gave me a framed strip cartoon, that he had drawn himself, telling (in a very sweet and funny way) the story of our love. Right about now any woman reading this will know exactly WHY I ran off with him. Guys, think about your woman and what makes her sigh wistfully and gaze into your eyes. A song? A film? A place? Now buy something to do with that.

Is it connected to sex? If, however, your gift idea is connected to sex in some way (an outfit, sex toys, chocolate body paint) think again. I mean, those would be perfectly good things to buy out of the blue, or possibly for a shared Anniversary… But if you are buying a gift for her Birthday or Christmas, you really should be choosing something specifically for HER and not something that slyly gets you off as a side effect. She isn’t an idiot.

Is it unique? Gifts that are hand-made are very romantic. There are so many struggling artists out there, making beautiful things to buy, and often their wares are very affordable. Choose something pretty and wrap it in tissue and ribbons – What girl could resist? Bear in mind that nothing you can buy from a garage (gas station) forecourt falls into this category.

Does it insult her?  Strange as it may seem, men often buy women gifts that insult them! She doesn’t want clothes in the wrong size (so embarrassing to admit) and clothes that fitted perfectly would be a bit creepy (or is that just me?). She doesn’t want bath products (boring, plus, she doesn’t smell of sweat) and she doesn’t want wrinkle cream. She might like a trip to a Spa but she doesn’t want a coupon for liposuction, or gym membership.  Seriously, diamonds are a better bet.

Well, I hope all that has helped. Feel free to ask questions, or add comments… I’m always open to dialogue.