Today, I decided to make an audio post. I thought it would be a new and fun thing to do. Hmmm… It turned out to be a bit of a struggle. Luckily, the lovely SoylentDave came to my rescue, so here it is (hosted on his website).
Me talking! Yay!
(Only just over two minutes long.)
I will almost certainly be played by Bette Midler. I know she is thirteen years older than me – but I haven’t had plastic surgery.
I suspect Bette will let her roots grow out a bit if she pretends to be me. She will probably flatten her hair and wipe her make-up off too.
Basically she needs to look like a woman who never expects to be photographed.
Of course, if the film is an animation, I will be played by a potato…
Here is a list of amazing, fascinating and possibly sometimes disturbing, facts about me. In no particular order:
- I have absolutely no sense of smell.
- I once had a huge Bartholin’s cyst, in my vagina. The operation that cured it was called a marsupialisation. I was seven months pregnant at the time.
- I am allergic to courgettes (zucchini).
- I used to rescue unwanted and abandoned pet rats. Sadly, I have cats now (also rescues).
- I can ski, if a little slowly.
- I can crew a yacht and a catamaran.
- I can’t drive though.
- My boyfriend is only two months older than my oldest son.
- I can spread my toes like an ape.
- My Dad was cremated wearing a Victorian costume.
- I once levitated, in front of a very religious old Greek lady – and she started crossing herself , in horror.
- As a child I slept almost motionless, because I was afraid that the teddies in my bed would get suffocated.
- I could read before I started school.
- I survived a hideous car crash (in Florida), with minor injuries. People who came to help us thought we would be dead.
- The first baby I gave birth to weighed ten pounds.
- I have “double-jointed” fingers.
- I’ve performed stand-up comedy at about 80 gigs.
- I once held a man’s hand while he died.
- I lost my virginity, aged 21, on my (first) wedding night.
- When I was 12, I secretly sprinkled itching powder on my Maths teacher’s head. It didn’t work though.
- Despite dating a few hippies, I have never tried a single illegal drug.
- I once slid 100 yards along an icy road on my arse, along with my (crashed) moped.
- I have never had sex with anyone older than me.
- I have climbed several (small) mountains and some sea cliffs.
- As an adult, my weight has fluctuated by about 60 pounds, over the years.
- BBC Radio 4 once paid me to talk about the Oscars.
- One night, I had to change into a nurse’s uniform (for a comedy gig) in a tiny dressing room – full of male comedians, who were all reading pornographic magazines.
- I am partly Jewish, partly Irish and I think there is a hint of Gypsy in my past too. All of these “parts” are quite far back though.
- I know how to change a colostomy bag and have, several times.
- My first son talked very early and by two and a half years old, I had taught him the art of sarcasm.
- I have owned two dogs but I have NEVER been able to control one. Dogs laugh in my face, because I am too nice. I win though, because they’re both dead now.
- I am left-handed, left-footed, my left tit is bigger than the right one and my left armpit gets hairier.
- At school, I failed my Cycling Proficiency Test. Twice.
- I spent six months as a vegetarian, in the year 2000.
- I used to be a practicing Buddhist.
- I have flawless control over my gag reflex.
- One of the best weeks of my life was spent snowed-in, at home, with an open fire.
- All three of my sons are tall, good-looking and funny (thanks to me).
- I went to London, on the day of Princess Diana’s funeral. I watched the procession and then the service, on the screens in Hyde Park.
- I have no sisters and one (younger) brother who couldn’t be more different to me if he tried.
Posted in lists, Me
Tagged Me, random facts
I absolutely LOVE searching around WordPress (and other blogs), looking for new things to enjoy. There are so many gifted and talented people out there (plus a few amusing nutters) putting such fascinating content into the public domain, free of charge and at the click of a button. Awesome.
Lots of people, however, have very disappointing “About” pages. I like reading “About” people. It doesn’t have to be a vast essay (mine isn’t) but when you read somebody’s blog, it is nice to know something about where they are coming from. Screw Barthes and his stupid “Death of the Author” theory, I need to “know” you. Even if you have a passion about a single subject, and focus an entire blog exclusively on that subject, it is pleasing to understand the origins of your love-affair. Or at least have an inkling.
If I come to your blog, taste a little sample of your genius, crave to explore your essence and click on “About”… There is no greater smack in the face than seeing:
This is an example of a WordPress page, you could edit this to put information about yourself or your site so readers know where you are coming from. You can create as many pages like this one or sub-pages as you like and manage all of your content inside of WordPress..
What are you THINKING? You can’t even be bothered to write anything about yourself? Maybe that in itself says something about you… But it isn’t enough for me.
I know that sometimes people adopt alternative personas online. I think this is perfectly valid and I don’t need to have people explain to me that they are not all they seem. BUT, if somebody is going to construct an online identity, they should at least be consistent. One “About” I came across said this: “I don’t plan on going out of my way to specify which stories are fact, or which are fiction. That will be up to you to figure out – or not.” Well thanks for the warning, I suppose. I don’t want to have to engage with someone and then pick out the random lies, thanks. Even though I sometimes tweak reality a tiny bit, to make better reading… Either I get to know Real You, or Fake You – I don’t have the energy for both.
So that’s it really. If you haven’t written “About” yourself, do it NOW. I’m waiting.
Posted in Blogging
Tagged about, Barthes, being bossy, Blogging, investigating, lies, Me, reading, reality, searching, WordPress, writing, you