Tag Archives: men

Too Beautiful To Fancy?

I’ve spent most of my long life surrounded by men and boys. Family, friends, husbands, sons, boyfriends; I like men and I’ve hung out with them a lot. I try to understand men and boys (on the whole they aren’t that complicated) but there is one thing about seemingly straight men that surprises me every time… Their ability to zoom in on something UGLY about any woman, however beautiful she is. In fact, sometimes it seems the more gorgeous a woman is, the more they can find wrong with her.

You’ve all seen/heard it happening, I’m sure. A really striking blonde (with long hair, long legs and a sexy pout) wiggles into the room. The men all turn and stare. You whisper to the nearest guy,

“I bet you like her!” to which he replies.

 “Nah, her earlobes are slightly elongated”. WTF?

I remember once reading a meme by a bloke on LJ, who had to say which celebrity he’d most like to sleep with. His reply?

“Angelina, pre-pregnancy.” This was ages after she had given birth, by the way. Again, I can only ask “WTF?”. He wasn’t exactly a male model himself. He was a single, obese, middle-aged internet geek, actually. Angelina probably didn’t get ANY stretch marks but if she did I’m willing to bet each and every one of them was more attractive to look at than Mr. Meme. Still, he had standards… So Angelina, post-baby, was no longer any good to him.

Perhaps men have this reflex in order to protect their egos (as in, “I don’t fancy her anyway, so she ISN’T out of my league”). Not every man who has criticised a beautiful woman to me, in real-life, has been my partner – but I suppose they might have been trying to protect MY ego (being as I’m not stunning myself). Or maybe some men are just a lot harder to please than women think they are. And perhaps the aura of physical beauty that surrounds some women also attracts deeper analysis of their looks – whereas a “normal” looking girl only inspires a quick inspection and an appreciation of what she HAS got to offer “Chubby but nice tits though”).

Last but not least… Maybe what is considered “attractive” in the general sense, ISN’T what most men are into sexually?

I really don’t know.

Dave Is Going To Suffer For This!

As I write this, my boyfriend is sleeping peacefully. His hair is tousled, his mouth is slightly open and all I can hear is the gentle rhythm of his breathing. He has no idea what cold and confused misery awaits him, as soon as he wakes up. You see… I’ve just had dream about him.

In real life, of course, there is no way that I’d find Dave in a suspect embrace with my Sister In Law. They’ve only met a couple of times and whilst the atmosphere between them was cordial enough, it didn’t seem to portend hanky-panky at any point. In fact, even in the dream itself , Dave explained that he had felt “ill” and that my Sister In Law merely hugged him in order to comfort him. My Sister In Law has been happily married to my Brother for about twenty-six years, Dave has never been unfaithful to me, and like I said, it was only a dream.

I’m still going to be in a mood with him though, I know it. I’ll try not to be, obviously, but it won’t be long before I’m slamming things down, giving him dirty looks and snapping sarcastically at anything he says. Well, I wouldn’t be having bad dreams about him if he wasn’t making me insecure somehow, right? And why am I dreaming about him and Wendy anyway? There’s no smoke without fire, maybe my SUBCONSCIOUS was picking up on something between them. Also, he looked like he was lying, in that dream. Oooohhh, I can’t forget that lying face of his…

So pity poor Dave, when he wakes up. Greater fear hath no man than that he should wake up to find his girlfriend has had a dream, in which he was unfaithful. Or at least, where it looked as if he might have been considering being unfaithful. Pity Dave, who will be confused, accused and shunned by the woman he loves – all for something he didn’t actually do and didn’t even think up himself.

Then pity me, because I was the one suffering that dream and he is to blame somehow, I know it!

Manic Mormon Monday

A couple of nights ago I was out with Brandon, when I got a text from Dave (who was also out). It seems that he had been early for his bus and had struck up a conversation, with two American guys, at the bus stop. So anyway, I suddenly got a text, completely out of the blue, that said:

“I just invited some Mormons round on Monday evening”.

WHAT? That took me by surprise. I mean, I have nothing against Mormons, I love Donny Osmond… But why on EARTH would Dave invite them to our house? Talking to strange Mormons while you are waiting for a bus is  mental enough, without letting them know where you LIVE. Admittedly, a Mormon friend of mine (American) gave me the best advice a girl could ever get (“Clothes should be tight enough to show that you’re a woman but loose enough to show that you’re a LADY”) but still, I knew her on the internet – I didn’t invite her OVER.

When I got home, I took Dave to task.

“Why did you invite Mormons to come round?”

“They seemed nice and it’ll be funny”.

You’re an Atheist and I’ve just started going to the Anglican Church… They’ll be wasting their time. WE will be wasting their time.”

“No, they will be telling us about their religion and we will be learning something. You’re getting into religion, so you should be interested!”

“I’m NOT interested in being a Mormon, they wear magic underwear!”

“Stop being a bigot.”

So it looks as though we have Mormons coming to preach to us, on Monday night. Bloody hell – I can’t even offer them a cup of tea, because they might get too stimulated by it. I read up on their beliefs (on Wikipedia) and the whole thing sounds BIZARRE  but Dave wouldn’t listen – when I tried to tell him he called it a “Spoiler Alert” and put his hands over his ears.

Men.

EDIT: Hahaha! Just as I was proof-reading this, Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on the front door, with a leaflet. Thank goodness *I* answered it.

Manipulative People

One thing that makes me very tired, as I grow older, is dealing with manipulative people. When I was young I bought into all their bullshit and took their feelings to heart, even as they coldly refused to consider mine. I had a habit of romanticizing people in my head, so I tended to put a positive spin on lots of negative behaviours that people displayed… Or rather I listened to the positive spin that THEY put on being cruel, or thoughtless. I’m still not immune to all the techniques that people use to get their own way but now I quite often SEEM to be getting sucked-in, whilst really I’m just monitoring the situation and deciding how long I’m going to let it go on for.

 Here are some translations of the games people play, and the things they say, when they want you to let them get away with being inconsiderate to you:

“I’m very hard to get close to… But you’re special, I trust you.” = “You’re SO lucky that you get to listen to everything I want to say. That’s quite a privilege, so don’t blow it by saying anything I don’t want to hear.”

“I’m honest, I always speak my mind, no matter what people think.” = “I’m rude, suck it up.”

“I have a lot of things to deal with right now but at least I know I have YOU to turn to.” = “Don’t tell me any of your problems, just listen to mine.”

“Sometimes I go into myself and don’t want to talk.” = “Sometimes I have something better to do than talking to you, so don’t expect me to make time for you then.”

“You’re so good to me! You got me the only presents I got this year.” = “Thanks for the presents! See how important it is that you buy me presents!”

I’m not into birthdays and Christmas, I never buy anybody anything.” = “You’re not getting any presents back.”

“You know what I’M like…” = “I’m selfish, suck it up.”

“I never think people really WANT to talk to me… So it’s better if YOU contact ME.” = “You make all the running.”

You get the idea.

Sometimes it IS nice to be warm to someone who seems sad or lonely, whatever the reason. But often the reason they are like that, is that they don’t give a flying f*ck about anyone who isn’t pandering to them… And that means YOU, if you (in the fullness of time) try to ask for a more equal relationship. I’ve “enabled” more bad and selfish behaviour in my time than most people… Mostly because I thought that if you could show someone how good it felt to be on the receiving end of some niceness, they’d automatically want to return the pleasure. When you’ve supported someone for ages, through thick and thin and then they don’t actually care when you need some TLC, it hurts BADLY.

Don’t try to melt someone else’s heart of ice and break your own heart in the process. Lay some rules on them and limit what you will do if they don’t reciprocate.

Why “Nice” Guys Don’t Get Dates

If there is one complaint about women I hear over and over, it’s that women are forever being friends with “nice” men but still choosing to sleep with “assholes”. Why on Earth aren’t we jumping into bed with the guys who listen to our problems, ask after our health and “care” about us?

“She only wants me as a friend but she dates guys who treat her badly!” exasperated men cry, “Why is she sleeping with guys who give her the run-around and want her for sex? I LISTEN to her, I UNDERSTAND her, I like her for WHO SHE IS!”.

To them it’s a mystery but to me it’s obvious. Friendship isn’t sexy.

A guy who spends hours cultivating a friendship with a girl, listening to her insecurities and differentiating himself from the rabid pack of sex-hunting monsters that he regards/portrays his fellow men as – then whines because she doesn’t want to sleep with him, is a hypocrite. But she has taken him at his word.

Sorry “Nice Guy”…you’re all after the same thing buddy but he (Nasty Guy) chose giving her something to chase and you chose listening to her problems. Bad luck, he had a better strategy because now she’s shagging him and tomorrow you’ll be hearing how “it’s lunchtime and he still hasn’t phoned”. But see, he didn’t go after HER as much as you do, he was HONEST about his wayward attitude and she LOVED it, he was exciting, a challenge and she’s thinking about how to keep him interested. You on the other hand are trapped in your little sympathy game and, in order to keep it up, you have to be available… So you aren’t going to be chased. You’re just THERE. You lose.

You say that you LISTEN to women, that you UNDERSTAND them,  but how many times have women told you that you are “TOO NICE” to date? What part of “TOO NICE” didn’t you understand? If a strategy isn’t working you have to change it, or suffer the same results over and over.

“But I AM nice!” you cry, “I DO want a girl to be close to, I don’t want to play mind-games!”. I know baby, I know… I want to get slim by eating cheese but it ain’t gonna happen. Mind-games, flirting, being hard to get, looking self-assured etc. are part of a MATING RITUAL. Once she fancies you, you can risk being friends (slowly) but at first you need to be the PRIZE. Friends are a kind of “consolation prize” and that isn’t sexy. No sex.

Oh, I know I’ll get lots of you telling me off and I know that the rules change as time passes and we all get older and wiser (or more desperate). There will be exceptions to the “rule”… Online relationships tend to develop a little differently because the sexual tension is enhanced by not being together, for instance.

But on the whole I’d say my observations are true. “Nice Guys” don’t get dates because they give their attention away for free, because they started off by being dishonest about (or not knowing) what they wanted and because they have seriously dispersed their “mystery” by sharing too much. Then along comes a silent guy with a motor-bike and a few notches on his headboard and the girls are more interested in him… After all, he’s less like another girl.

Porn Aimed At Heterosexual Men

As you might have guessed, I’m reasonably broad-minded about porn. As long as the subjects are adult, human and not being coerced, I don’t have a problem with it. In fact, you boys will be relieved to know that I’m giving you permission, here and now, to look at as much porn as you like. But I have a request… Please can you campaign to change the names of the pictures?
See, you’re all very quick to tell us ladies that you like to see “real” looking women in porn, that you like natural boobs, that you find bigger girls sexy, that you’re turned on by older women etc (aren’t you NICE?) but then you go and use websites that label their pictures in, well frankly, rather disrespectful ways. I mean, these ways aren’t just insulting to the women involved, they say something about YOU too… I would especially question the decision to click on links that say things like the examples I’ve listed below :

Ugly, drunk, older woman, who is crazy for cock. I actually saw hundreds of pictures called things like that. A friend explained that “Men like to see women they feel they could actually HAVE”. Oooh Kaaay, but if you crave to see a woman like that naked, why not just go to a bar?… You’ll be fighting them off. You’ll have a real live woman and she’ll have some cock! Everyone will be happy. If you MUST look at her on the internet, why not ask the site to call her “unconventionally attractive, mature, party girl, who enjoys sex”? Doesn’t that sound nicer? I still don’t understand why you’d click, to look at someone you’ve been warned is “ugly”. Hell, I caught the bus this morning and practically everyone on there was ugly. Granted though, most of them were not manipulating their genitals (as far as I could see).

Stupid, drunk, fat slut, on sofa. See, this to me sounds like a nightmare end to an evening. How are you going to get rid of her? Will she take the hint if you call a taxi? I know if you’re a lonely guy, this might be an opportunity for sex but is it really the basis for a FANTASY? I mean you want to masturbate about having sex with someone STUPID, as well as drunk? Please, for your own sakes, aim higher (not like that, I mean have higher aspirations). As for the girl…Why not just say “Voluptuous, and willing girl, on sofa”?

Granny sucks like a Teen.  As far as I remember, we don’t have to teach our Grandmothers how to suck anything, so why would we want them to “Suck like a teen”? Wouldn’t that be a less reliable suck? Plus, Grannies can often take their teeth out, which must be a bonus. Surely it would be more exciting to have a Granny who sucked in a way appropriate to her age. Or a teen who sucked like a granny.

Blonde Granny Cockslap. Since I’m old enough to have grandchildren myself (and my boyfriend is 22 years my junior), I’m not going to argue that older women can’t be sexy… But why can’t they just say “mature”? Is it really that IMPORTANT that she has grandchildren? And WTF does “cockslap” mean? Have I missed this aspect of cocks? Finally, I can’t help thinking that “Blonde Granny Cockslap” was someone who Rupert The Bear visited once, I’m sure she had a house in Nutwood, next-door to Bill The Badger.

Blah, blah blah (cut for taste), whore with big saggy boobs. You want her to be a whore (the oldest profession in the World), you want her to have big boobs… But really, do these sites have to label them “saggy”? How rude is that? She’s doing her best! If you don’t want them fake and you DO want them big, at least have the manners to accept where they’ve landed and to patronize sites that do the same.

Perhaps I’m being a little too girlie about this but if women are going to be generous enough to share their most glorious assets with you and to display them on various items of furniture (mostly sofas) for your delight – I really think it would be nicer if we didn’t call them horrid things. What do you think?

How To Be Attractive To Women

These tips are about making yourself more attractive to women (if you are a man). Men are awesome but most straight men are considerably less awesome without the backing of a good woman. You need to attract a woman before you can win her over – so let’s crack on, with the tips, shall we?

1) Women don’t care what you look like. They don’t. They care how you dress and present yourself but they won’t even notice that you are short, fat, bald, skinny, lanky, wearing glasses etc… If you follow my other tips. I mean, they won’t in 90% of cases, the other 10% are shallow bitches that don’t deserve you. This is a tip because just knowing it makes you more attractive.

2) Smell nice. Unless you’ve just rescued them from a fire, or you are sweating in the gym, women prefer you to be clean. Undies are washable BTW. And so are socks.

3) Wear black. It really IS that simple. Black is sexy, badass and flattering. Everybody looks better in black. And leather. Black leather. A nice full-length black leather coat is going to make you wonder where all the girls came from. Black leather trousers, however, will make you wonder where all the men came from, so give them a miss.

4) Have an arrogant posture. Really. Head up, slight swagger, exuding your (possibly fake, it doesn’t matter) confidence from every pore. Confidence is sexy. You know now that your minor physical defects don’t matter, you smell divine, you’re dressed like Neo – frankly, we’re only up to #4 and you’re already a sex GOD. Is it hot in here?

5) Manners. Have some. Then have some more. Manners are sexy.

6) Be realistic. This is going to sound harsh but not every man can date a nymphomaniac Swedish model. The wider you throw your net, the more chance you’ll have of getting a date. Give the girls with “good personalities” a chance… At the very least they’ll be practice.

7) Get a dog. Buy, borrow or steal a dog. Chicks like dogs (especially puppies). You’ll look more approachable with a dog and more lovable by association. Oh, avoid dogs that stick their heads up women’s skirts, that isn’t going to be conducive to you doing the same later.

8) Pretend you are healthy. I know you’re not. Single guys never are. I’ve never ever read a blog entry by a single man that didn’t mention at least one of his many and varied minor ailments. When you go out, dose yourself up and forget the whining. She’ll play nurse when she’s in love with you but most women aren’t actively seeking a sick man.

9) Don’t stare at women’s tits. Very important. Don’t. It is a common mistake and horribly creepy. I know you’d love a woman to gaze longingly at your dick but trust me, it isn’t the same. Practice looking cool instead, if you ignore her “assets” she might be miffed and find excuses to shove them in your face, or rub them against your arm. Wouldn’t that be more fun than furtively mumbling replies to them as she talks?

10) Talk first. You may as well and she’ll love you for it. Ask for the time, ask if you are in the right building… Asking is good, it’s an excuse to talk and it makes you seem kinda vulnerable (despite your new found sexy coolness). Don’t use a cheesy chat-up line though. Ugh.

11) Listen. Guess what my favourite subject is? Me. I know it’s a shame but it’s true. Now that you are talking, I think you should discuss her. If she DOES ask about you, be vague, keep your mystery and be brief. Never admit to being a LARPer, for instance. If you are witty you’re probably getting laid already…  If you’re not, I’m afraid quoting huge chunks of Monty Python or The Office is not the same thing. Ask her about herself, pay attention and nod.

12) Learn to play the saxophone. That isn’t a euphemism, I really mean it. Possibly the best tip of all. Saxophones are totally sexy. If you are not musical, you might want to show her your scars instead. All men have scars and girls love scars. But stick to the accidental ones.