Tag Archives: Mormons

How I Resisted Becoming A Mormon

Last night, the Mormons came to visit us. As I mentioned  in a previous entry, Dave had invited them, after talking to them at a bus stop… Which freaked me out slightly (when I found out) but nobody in this house is normal, so I just went with it.

The Mormons arrived early and looked VERY young. Clean-cut, polite, friendly boys, in ties (of course), who smiled with the serene faces of people who KNEW they had the answer. Brandon mostly hid upstairs, getting ready for Cadets but stopping intermittently, to sit with his head in his hands, going “What the hell are my parents doing NOW?”. By the time Bran left, the Mormons had settled in and he was glad to get away.

The Mormon approach to evangelism seems to be made up of three things – spreading the gospel (according to Joseph Smith), a bit of gentle hypnotism and some hard sales techniques:

The gospel part of it was… I don’t want to be too rude but frankly I thought it was funny. Please look into it for yourselves. I love the idea that after The Ascension, Jesus didn’t just go to Heaven – He flew to America and taught Americans all the same stuff he had taught before, including a reprise of the Sermon on the Mount.

The “sales” part of the visit was very off-putting. The Mormons kept trying to dictate to US what was going to happen. They asked us if we would be prepared to be baptised into their Church, if we believed their scriptures. The obvious answer to that is “yes”. But then they somehow ignored the IF and started arranging for us to be visited three times a week, to be prepared for baptism on the 24th of July. WTF? We put paid to that notion, saying they could leave their literature and a telephone number, but nothing else should be planned yet. The last time I experienced somebody trying to “close a deal” in that way was years ago, when an American neighbour was brow-beating me into buying cleaning goods, from Amway International. It didn’t work then.

The scariest part of their visit came in the middle. It was the part where they seemed to be trying some hypnosis techniques on us. We had to read part of their scriptures with them and then close our eyes and listen to the next part. We were told in advance that as we sat there, eyes closed, we would feel the Holy Spirit filling us and making us feel wonderful. I think that’s called “the power of suggestion”. Then one of them described a scene and asked us to imagine we were there and what it felt like (which seemed like another classic hypnotic technique, to me).

He told the story of Joseph Smith, being visited by God and Jesus. A pillar of light descending, two “Personages” appearing, brightness and glory all around ending with “… hear Him!” and then a loooong silence. All this time I had been sitting there, eyes closed, thinking “They’re trying to hypnotise us!” – so (and when I told David this, after the event, he said it was proof that I was utterly insane) I filled my mind with the most silly, funny, unlikely “message” the Holy Spirit could give me.

“DO YOU WANT SOME SAUSAGES?” I imagined the fake “Holy Spirit” asking. “DO YOU WANT SOME SAUSAGES? DO YOU WANT SOME SAUSAGES? DOYOUWANTSOMESAUSAGES? DOYOUWANTSOMESAUSAGES?”. By this brilliant method, I made myself immune to hypnotic suggestion, blocked out any artificially induced “revelations” and also made myself laugh a bit (inside). Dave actually did do what they asked but didn’t “feel” anything much. As he said later; the Catholic Church had been trying to brain-wash him all through school and that hadn’t worked either.

Finally they left, giving us a pile of literature and a quick prayer on the way out. They were nice enough but being Mormon isn’t for us, which I think they knew. When Brandon got home from Cadets (however) we did pretend to be newly converted Mormons, for at least five minutes. You should have seen the look on his face – it made the whole evening worth it.

Manic Mormon Monday

A couple of nights ago I was out with Brandon, when I got a text from Dave (who was also out). It seems that he had been early for his bus and had struck up a conversation, with two American guys, at the bus stop. So anyway, I suddenly got a text, completely out of the blue, that said:

“I just invited some Mormons round on Monday evening”.

WHAT? That took me by surprise. I mean, I have nothing against Mormons, I love Donny Osmond… But why on EARTH would Dave invite them to our house? Talking to strange Mormons while you are waiting for a bus is  mental enough, without letting them know where you LIVE. Admittedly, a Mormon friend of mine (American) gave me the best advice a girl could ever get (“Clothes should be tight enough to show that you’re a woman but loose enough to show that you’re a LADY”) but still, I knew her on the internet – I didn’t invite her OVER.

When I got home, I took Dave to task.

“Why did you invite Mormons to come round?”

“They seemed nice and it’ll be funny”.

You’re an Atheist and I’ve just started going to the Anglican Church… They’ll be wasting their time. WE will be wasting their time.”

“No, they will be telling us about their religion and we will be learning something. You’re getting into religion, so you should be interested!”

“I’m NOT interested in being a Mormon, they wear magic underwear!”

“Stop being a bigot.”

So it looks as though we have Mormons coming to preach to us, on Monday night. Bloody hell – I can’t even offer them a cup of tea, because they might get too stimulated by it. I read up on their beliefs (on Wikipedia) and the whole thing sounds BIZARRE  but Dave wouldn’t listen – when I tried to tell him he called it a “Spoiler Alert” and put his hands over his ears.

Men.

EDIT: Hahaha! Just as I was proof-reading this, Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on the front door, with a leaflet. Thank goodness *I* answered it.