Tag Archives: naked

World Naked Bike Ride?

Because I am a fan of crazy naturist blogger Barry Knell , I get highly welcome advanced warnings about people intending to be naked, outside the privacy of their own homes. Remember Naked Gardening ? I thought that was bad enough but now , thanks to Barry, I have heard about Naked Bike Riding. According to Barry,

“The World Naked Bike Ride for Britain kicks off next week with Southampton and Manchester on Friday 11th June. London and Cardiff have their rides on Saturday 12th June with Brighton, Bristol and Edinburgh on 13th June. Sheffield and York follow on 19th June.

For the life of me, I cannot imagine why ANYBODY would want to ride a bike naked. Why would I, as a lady, venture forth on a bicycle, without wearing knickers (unless I intended to sell the saddle afterwards, to a Japanese business man)? The positioning of female naughty-bits is just wrong, even for cycling fully clothed. And would I really want to be hunched over the handle-bars, whizzing along, with no top and NO BRA on? I’m not as young as I used to be – my nipples could get caught in the chain.

And what about Barry? I don’t know how to put this delicately, so I’m going to come straight out with it – what does he do with his testicles, when he is riding his bike naked? They aren’t going to be cradled by nice spandex cycle shorts, he can’t leave them at home, or put them in his saddle-bag… Surely he doesn’t sit on them? So does he have to choose which side of the saddle to dangle them on? Does he stand up for the entire journey? Do they just sit on the cross-bar neatly, like super-glued plums? Does he sit on something like this?

Or is that a saddled designed for women? Oh God, the more I think about it, the less I want to think about it.

Unless you are having a shower, sitting in the bath, or having sex – being naked seems impractical, messy and dangerous. Naturists also seem to come up with ever more ludicrous things to do in the buff, which virtually guarantees  that I will continue to see them as lunatics. As a casual observer, I suppose naked bike riders passing by on Friday (I live in Manchester) will be fairly tolerable  – I might even give them a cheer, as long as the traffic keeps moving at a fair pace and the naked cyclists are reasonably fit… But I won’t be taking part. Most certainly not. In fact, I’m going to wear an extra pair of knickers, just to reassure myself.

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Naked Gardening?

I don’t know who should be more nervous, my neighbours or me… You see, next Saturday (the 8th of May) is World Naked Gardening Day. Wow.

Personally, I can’t think of a worse way to spend a day than gardening naked. In fact, just gardening would be a pretty crap way to spend a day, in my book. But why on Earth would I garden naked? Even fully clothed I always emerge from a spot of gardening covered in scratches, insect bites and gardening related injuries. And splinters. Not to mention sunburn. Also, because my garden is a little wild, I often have to use electrical tools, with sharp bits that whirl, slice and thrash about at great speed… Why would I want to use them in the nude? Everything about gardening naked is dangerous. What will they think of next? “World Welding Naked Day”, or “World Beekeeping Naked Day”? No thanks.

In addition to the danger of naked gardening, there is also the loss of dignity. Maybe I’m doing it wrong but it seems to me that gardening requires a lot of bending over, for a start. I don’t want the view from my neighbours’ gazebo to be the same one my gynaecologist sees, when I drop by for a check up. Also, if my neighbours are going to catch a glimpse of my breasts, I’d like to be sitting up, preferably with my hands behind my head. I don’t want them to see my boobs hanging down and swinging in front of my face, as I tidy my borders. Ugh.

Lastly, I’d like to point out that gardening is a hobby mostly enjoyed by the elderly. I swear, if the idea of World Naked Gardening Day catches on, I’m staying indoors next Saturday. I’m not risking a trip to the shops, if I’m likely to pass naked old retired couples, pottering about on their front lawns, looking like… Well, you know what they’re going to look like. That reminds me, I need to do the ironing when I’ve finished writing this.

I’m all for communing with nature, hugging dolphins, hiking through Tibet and all that hippie stuff… But gardening with no clothes on is just wrong. If my neighbours are reading this – you can relax now. Please say that I can too…

(A big shout out here to http://barryknell.wordpress.com/ , who wrote about this before I did).