Tag Archives: scat

Unpredictable Things That Make My Flesh Crawl

In a moment of masochism, I decided to write about the things that make my flesh crawl. Not things like vomit or blood, not “Jackass” type things… Just things that other people probably wouldn’t guess could turn me off so badly. Or something. Anyway, here they are:

1) Women dressed as men. By this I do NOT mean women wearing trousers, women wearing ties, or even butch lesbians with suits and crew-cuts. Or even bona-fide, pre-op transsexuals. I mean “normal” women wearing fake moustaches. Oh My God. I’m sure I’ve seen Lucille Ball, or somebody, dressed as Charlie Chaplin… Ughhhh, I can hardly type I’m cringing so badly. And didn’t Kim Basinger dress as a man, with a fake moustache, in “9 1/2 Weeks”? *shiver*. Fake beards, fake sideburns, ugh. Any type of fake facial hair on a woman is just revolting. Especially if she is otherwise feminine and even wearing lipstick. Yuck.

2) Electronic “voices” in music. Like when Cher goes “One more time”. Noooo, no more times PLEASE! I think Herbie Hancock used a “Vocoder”, or so I’m told, to pollute his music with “Is it a guitar talking?” effects. I know I’ve heard others. Ewwww! WHY am I doing this to myself? I feel sick just thinking about it! I think I’ve got this revulsion because I heard “Sparky’s Magic Piano” too much, as a child. Damn near shit my pants every time it came on the radio. That is one evil record.

3) Old people rapping. You must have seen it, on kids’ TV shows that try to be “hip” with an older character, or maybe on a show where the host decides to be “cool”… Somebody kill me. Old people should do anything they enjoy, hang-gliding, bondage, line dancing, anything. Anything but child-molesting and rapping. Please.

4) Scat. No, not playing with poo – I can handle hearing about that, even if it isn’t my bag. No, I mean SCAT as in some pillock standing with a Jazz band going “Wee do be do bop, hee shoe be shoo wop. Babba dee babbadee WOO!”, like the most irritating, disgusting “Blogmella, please come and punch me in the face” loser on the entire planet. I officially feel like I’m going to blow chunks now but I must be brave…Let’s go on…

5) Men in V neck sweaters, with no shirt or T-shirt underneath. No. Please. As an example – Michael Douglas in “Romancing the Stone”, when he dances with Kathleen Turner, in “Disco Dad” stylee. And he has a horrible thin sweater with nothing under it but his chafing nipples and the impending possibility of a spark igniting the nylon fabric, as his chest hair becomes statically charged. I sat watching between my fingers saying “Tell me when this bit is over…”. I swear, it was making me ill. And all the time that V showed us that there was nothing underneath. Ewwww!

6) “The Scent Of A Woman”. Possibly the most off-putting film ever made. I HATE Al Pacino now. I couldn’t sleep with him for a million pounds. Every time he said “Hoo haa!”… ARRGGHHHH. My Granddad was blind, I have nothing against blind people but that film was about the most creepy weirdo I’ve ever seen. Must Not Vomit On Keyboard.

7) Pillow fights. I don’t mind the idea of people hitting each other with pillows, that’s allowed – UNLESS THE PILLOWS HAVE FEATHERS IN THEM. How could ANYONE risk the pillow splitting and the air filling with FEATHERS?! And they do it in film and on TV, like it’s just normal, or like it’s funny or romantic. It is utterly disgusting. Imagine feathers going into your nose or mouth…Oh lord, I’ve never typed an entry where I suffered so much just THINKING about the subject matter. Ugh.

8) Gospel Rock. Starts out OK, lulls you into a false sense of security and then has some cheesy, unnerving chorus about Jesus. The first time it happens it is almost FUNNY it’s so bad. But after that the full horror sets in and I realize that ANY God related rock tune could be played to me in Room 101 and be assured to have the desired effect. “Why should the Devil have all the best tunes?” is a stupid question, that we could apply to drugs, whisky, or hookers. There are plenty of perfectly good hymns about Jesus, go to Church and sing them. Gospel Rock is the spiritual rapist of the music world, getting you to groove along for a bit and then slipping Christ into you when you least expected Him. Creepy. And enough to turn you Atheist forever.

OK, I’ve had enough. I need a cup of tea. Do you have any weird turn-offs?

EDIT: And now my BOYFRIEND is slagging me off in his journal, just because I’m not a fan of ugliness!

From My Stats…

Top Searches
blogmella, “fanboy wife”, scat sex with my partner, someone who is disabled handbags, attractive phrases on girls handbag

This is how people find me?!

(Thanks for the readers, Fanboy Wife)

EDIT: to add the latest search term – “constant arguing after fishtank feng shui”. HAHAHA!

Eight Sex Fetishes I Won’t Be Trying

1) Scat: No, not singing nonsense in a Jazz club – I mean “scat” as in Coprophilia. Now, I’m open to new experiences and (even more useful in this context) I have no sense of smell, but I still won’t be trying this fetish.  Smearing the bedroom/myself/my lover in number twos, is not my idea of sexy (or romantic). Sticky, ugly and full of germs, human poo should either be up someone’s bottom, or down someone’s toilet. Followed by bleach. In my view the only person who should enjoy playing with poo is Christopher Robin (a joke that is funnier said aloud – try it). Never, NEVER, Google “scat” in Images, with “SafeSearch” off.

2) Water Sports: Imagine “scat” but with wee. My objections against this fetish are much the same as those against scat – but the Christopher Robin joke becomes less funny and more disturbing.

3) Bondage: Many people love to be tied up for sex but I’m not so sure. What if I get an itch? The moment I get tied up I will start worrying about getting an itch and that will make it happen, I know it. And I have the World’s smallest nostrils, so I can’t be gagged. If I tie my boyfriend up, it means I will have to do all the work during sex and that seems a little unfair – I already do all of the housework in here. So no bondage for me, unless he wants to tie me up and do a bit of Hoovering.

4) Spanking/ BDSM: I love sex, I really, really do. But at no point during an energetic bout of sex have I stopped and thought “You know what would make this more fun? Nipple clamps!”. Honestly, WTF? Pleasure and pain are linked, I know, but I’d still rather concentrate on the pleasure. I don’t even like it when my partner accidentally leans on my hair and pulls it. I’m like “OW! That hurt, you idiot!”, which isn’t at all sexy. Getting spanked before sex would annoy me, because it is illogical to be spanked for being “naughty” and then do something naughty. Getting spanked after sex would be a waste of time. And dangerous, because I’d be smoking.

5) Erotic asphyxiation: Basically means being strangled during sex. This is supposed to make orgasms more intense and stronger. Maybe I’m doing sex wrong but I don’t think I’d like my orgasms to be any more powerful than they are now – my head might explode. Added to that is the consideration that my boyfriend (who normally has a very good memory and observational skills) might be so distracted by his own orgasm that he forgets to stop strangling me, before I die. Being “out of breath” after sex = good, but being “blue in the face” = bad.

6) Splosh: This fetish is a definite no-no for me, because it is basically about wasting food, which is just wrong. Also, one of the great things about sex is that it is non-fattening, so why does some idiot have to come along and suggest  involving cake? Like all other fetishes that involve smearing yourself/others in something – it is just too messy. Ugh. And too much hard work, unless you have a broad-minded cleaning lady. Finally, think of chocolate gateaux… How on Earth could something as delicious as that be improved by adding the taste of genitals?

7) Foot/Shoe Fetish: I once put a video of my feet on YouTube, because I have an amazing ability to spread my toes very wide. One of the comments said “What r u some kind of ape?”, which was funny, but I also got offers to feature in foot porn. I didn’t take them up on it. I really can’t see anything sexy about feet and much as I admire my boyfriend’s boots and trainers, they’re hardly the stuff of wild erotic fantasy. As for me – I’m not the sort of woman who wears “bedroom shoes”, I’m more the sort of woman who wear flip-flops for seven months of the year and trainers for the other five. Also, I have the hairy toes of a Hobbit.

8) Ageplay: I am 22 years older than my beloved, so “pretending” that I am older than him would be redundant. I prefer “forgetting” about it  in the bedroom, if possible, and so does he.  On the other hand, I don’t think I can forget it for long enough to call him “Daddy” without bursting into laughter. In fact, whatever our ages were, I couldn’t imagine using that word in a sexual context… My Dad was a grumpy old git, not Keanu Reeves.

So, I guess I’m like ice-cream – just naturally Vanilla. There are other sexual things I won’t try as well, but I’ll save them for another time. If you’re good.