I am now available on Twitter, as @blogmella, in case you care. I’m a bit mental and sometimes boring but at least I no longer bang on about Celebrity Big Brother (only because it has ended).

Will soon start making occasional posts on my boyfriend’s (SoylentDave) website which should be fun.

Love to you all and please look at my Blogroll – those people are awesome!

Another Shocking Post About Zombie Aid

Despite SoylentDave’s earlier efforts to expose the behaviour of Carl Whiteley and Zombie Aid, and despite an article on similar lines being published in the Manchester Evening News, it now seems moves are being made for yet another “charity” event (involving Carl) to take place.

Time for Dave to publish some more of our evidence!

Zombie Aid 2 – Carl Whiteley

Killing Zombies For Charity!

Can The Undead Be Killed?. Please check out the link and make a donation. It is as simple as paying on Amazon but it helps somebody who is severely disabled to enjoy computer games. That’s just awesome.

Zombie Aid – What’s Going On?

This article, “The Truth about Zombie Aid” deals with the activities of a guy named Carl Whiteley and his attempts to raise funds with Zombie Walks, in Manchester UK. Is Carl the best person to do this? And when he collects money, does it end up with the charities?

The Type Of Person I Hate

The art teacher who draws on your picture. WTF does this person think he (or she) is doing? YES the legs are too short, NO cows don’t have the same tails as horses…  But tell me with WORDS, indicate with your finger, Most of all DO NOT DRAW ON MY PICTURE. Nobody should draw on somebody else’s picture. Even Simon Cowell wouldn’t draw on somebody else’s picture. I hate that sort of art teacher.

The person who chats with you but doesn’t listen – and then enquires about something that you’ve already explained. “Is your brother going to be there?”, YES you ignorant f*ck, I told you about two minutes ago that he is driving up with his family to be there. You’re not old, you’re not deaf and you don’t have special needs… You’re just so RUDE and SELFISH that as far as you are concerned, my words are mere punctuations, rests if you will, between your own verbal spewing. In other words, you’re not listening.

The person who dumps you romantically and then says “But we can still be friends, right?” Oh yeah, OF COURSE we can. I mean, OK, you’ve just reached into my chest, torn out my heart and spat on it… But I’d still like to hang out. Hell, I hope I’m hanging out with you when you meet someone better than me, someone you can REALLY love, it will give me something to live up to! Oh please. The only way I can be friends with an Ex who dumped me, is if five years of no contact have passed (and I’m over him), or if he has been mangled in a horrible farm-machinery accident, (which would possibly dredge  up some pity in me).

The person who tries to be “wacky” or “zany” because they cannot face how boring they are. Anyone who says “everyone at work thinks I am just CRAZY! They never know what I’m going to do next!” Should eat shit and die. I swear, that person isn’t “fun”, they are the most loathed and avoided person in the building. People who are mad don’t know it – so if you’re going around saying “I’m mad!”, what you probably mean is “I want to be funny but I’m not”. And laughing loudly in a stupid way doesn’t make you interesting either, which is why I stopped meeting Jane for coffee and started pretending that I was dead when she called.

The sort of person who says “I never watch TV”. Not people who just haven’t got time, or the money for a TV, but the person who uses this as a way to prove how CLEVER they are. Refusing to watch TV doesn’t make you any brighter than someone who refuses to read books (there are some rubbish ones in Waterstones you know), or someone who refuses to go to the cinema (because they once saw “Joe vs The Volcano”). TV is like everything else, you have to exercise some taste and frankly if you’d rather miss all the GOOD things on TV than do that, I think you’re rather stupid.

The person who says “I speak my mind”. OK, I know, I’ve just spent far too much of your time speaking my mind… But c’mon, you know the sort of person I mean. I hate it when people pretend that being insensitive is a virtue, especially if that same person gets all moody when they get some back. There is a pretty thick line between being “honest” and being “cruel” and people who decide to “speak their minds” usually know full well that they are crossing it, in big stomping boots. What they really mean is “I’m a verbal bully, with no social skills”. Or in the case of the UK “I’m from Yorkshire”.

I actually hate more people than this but I’ve said enough for one day. Who do you hate?

8 Reasons Why Homemade Cards Suck

Call me old-fashioned but when I get a card for my birthday, or Christmas, I like that card to have been printed in a factory and bought by the sender, in a shop. Why? Because homemade cards SUCK. You probably think so too but you’re too nice to say it. Or maybe you make them yourself and are deluded enough to think homemade cards are cool. They’re not, homemade cards definitely suck – and this is why:

1) They are too heavy. People create homemade cards out of “Heavy Duty” construction paper (or something), in order to give the illusion of “quality”  and to make them seem less like a poor substitute for a  REAL greetings card. Nobody is fooled by this. Now add the weight of various pieces of stuck-on crap and  my heart can begin sinking, even before I have opened the (lumpy) envelope.

2) “Less is more”. People who make their own cards never seem to get this. I don’t want a card covered in lace, buttons, wood, glitter, foil, old ripped up wrapping paper and other bits of random recycling. I simply want a flat card, with proper printing and a proper picture, that stands up properly.

3) They are made with “time release” glue. Getting a homemade card out of the envelope, in one piece, is a bit like defusing a nail-bomb – but less rewarding. What the hell do people use to stick these things together? Spit? Of course, you can always adopt my strategy – which is to RIP the card out of the envelope, say “Oh NO! It’s broken!” and throw all the component parts straight into the rubbish bin.

4) Most people are not gifted at art. There is a reason why Hallmark employ trained graphic designers to create their cards. A quick glance, at the homemade abominations your “crafty” friends have sent you, will make that reason clear.

5) Sometimes “homemade” stretches the truth. Occasionally, people acknowledge that they fall into the category of reason #4 and decide to buy a “kit” of card-making components – which they then dutifully sit and assemble, with their “sticky until it dries” glue and an instruction sheet in front of them. WTF? That makes absolutely no sense at ALL. If someone knows they are  useless at art, and they have no ideas of their own, why don’t they just buy NORMAL bloody cards and send those?

6) You can’t throw homemade cards away (without looking like a villain). Well, I can (see #3) but it is still much harder than chucking out an old “bought” card. Being given a homemade card makes it appear that somebody has put time and effort into it,  just for you. Throwing away that little token of  love would look like rejection and ingratitude, so you’re stuck with it forever. Even though we all know that the person who made it was probably, a) bored and wanted a hobby, and b) trying to save money.

7) The writing on homemade cards is sh*t. I want a card with decent writing. I don’t want some wonky calligraphy, done in felt pen. I don’t want a cheap “gold” Happy Birthday! that has been peeled off a backing-sheet and looks totally incongruous with the rest of the card. I don’t want the words on my card to have been cut out of a magazine “kidnapper” style. In short, I want a mass-produced card.

8) Homemade cards are not funny. I only really like funny cards and I’ve never seen a homemade card that was funny. By “funny” I mean ones that I can laugh WITH… Obviously I have been sent homemade cards that I laughed AT.

It’s not just me is it? And I haven’t even mentioned the fact that my Mum buys sh*tty little homemade cards that OTHER PEOPLE have made – and then sends them to me on my birthday. WTF is THAT about?  Homemade cards truly suck.

God Is From Ghana

At the Church I go to, services are structured around  The Book Of Common Prayer and thus they tend to have a series of elements that are repeated every week. The Priest, or reader, says something and the congregation reply.

Because I am relatively new to Church, I tend to listen very carefully to the people around me, to make sure I am saying the right thing (there is a booklet but it can get confusing). I also tend to stand in the same place, in the same pew, every Sunday… And that is how I found out that Ghanaian is THE accent of Christianity.

Every week I hear the Ghanaian lady behind me (also a creature of habit about where she stands), saying her prayers etc. and it sounds PERFECT. Sometimes we have a Bible reading by an elderly Ghanaian guy and that too is absolutely awesome. God should be called “The LAAAHHHD” and nothing else. I love hearing it, it inspires me. By contrast my “Lawd” sounds utterly rubbish.

I’m still finding Church brilliant and peaceful and a joy. Sadly, I got a bit drunk at the “Bring and Share” lunch today and staggered home like a lush. I’d better say a couple of prayers to apologise to the LAAAHHHD for that, I think.